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November 21, 2003
The Iranian

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Question

* Sigheh in Japan
 
I'm a 38-year-old  (but look 28) American English teacher living in Japan and I think I'm in love with a 21-year-old  Iranian engineering student. In America, our relationship wouldn't be such a big deal, but what should I do?  Give up now before my heart really breaks? I suppose his conservative Iranian upbringing has closed his mind forever (made him hopelessly close-minded.)
 
We have been having a romantic relationship since October 12, but he's already stated that he could never marry me. He has a scholarship to study in Japan for 5 years and he said we could be together for this time only. He's a practicing Muslim and he asked me to convert to Islam. I agreed, and he performed the conversion.   I'd like to think he might change his mind about the future and come to love me one day and ask me to be his wife, not just "sigheh".

Unlucky in Love

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear "Unlucky in Love":
 
You are asking us whether you should give up now before your heart breaks but we think it is already broken.  For, what worst blow to it could there be than have the man you love (or at least think you love) put such suffocating conditions and sacrifices on it, only to give nothing in return.
 
Asides from the hypocrisy of converting to a religion just because he made it a condition, and engaging in a relationship that many Iranians believe to be nothing more than a "legal" form of prostitution, he has also stated to you in clear terms that he will not marry you.  Of course, in general, the fact that a man is not ready to enter marriage is not a reflection of something lacking in his character. 

Many persons make the choice not to marry because they are not ready, or they are focusing on other aspects of their lives, or maybe they feel they are just not cut out for it.  But in your case, this man is not telling you he is not ready to marry, he is boldly telling you that it is YOU he will not marry.  He has no problem having sex with you for five years then go on with his life without you and hopefully marry the virginal bride of his dreams, but he will not marry you.  In other words, you are not his marriage material!
 
Why oh why if not for "love" (notice the quotes) would you agree to be treated this way by this man?  In any abusive relationship (and this is a situation where we see a lot of emotional abuse) there is a 2 way street:  One person inflicts the abuse and the other tolerates it.
 
Please stop asking yourself whether one wondrous day this gem of a man will change his mighty mind and ask you to be his wife and start asking yourself why you would put yourself in such a situation that this man, who is emotionally completely cut off from you, seems like the ideal mate?
 
The age difference of course is but one other factor that makes this relationship problematic but we don't believe age by itself is a determining factor.  Rather it is the uneven emotional control in the relationship that has us concerned.   
 
Please think about whether it is really love you feel for this man or simply lust?  Is the physical side of the relationship worth the emotional beating you are taking every day and which he will happily inflict on you for the next five years.  Please don't be under the illusion that you will change him and why would you want to? 

When you love someone, it just happens naturally, and there is no need to change anything in that person, you love the flaws and the qualities equally.  Staying in a relationship with the goal of changing the person is akin to chasing ghosts.  The phantom ideal man that you have always dreamed of in your mind is not real and will always be out of your grasp.
 
Please make the decision that is most emotionally healthy for you.

We wish you the best,

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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