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November 21, 2003
The Iranian
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Question
* Sigheh in Japan
I'm a 38-year-old (but look 28) American English teacher living
in Japan and I think I'm in love with a 21-year-old Iranian engineering
student. In America, our relationship wouldn't be such a big deal, but what
should I do? Give up now before my heart really breaks? I suppose
his conservative Iranian upbringing has closed his mind forever (made him hopelessly
close-minded.)
We have been having a romantic relationship since October 12, but he's already
stated that he could never marry me. He has a scholarship to study in Japan
for 5 years and he said we could be together for this time only. He's a
practicing Muslim and he asked me to convert to Islam. I agreed, and he performed
the conversion. I'd like to think he might change his mind about
the future and come to love me one day and ask me to be his wife, not just "sigheh".
Unlucky in Love
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear "Unlucky in Love":
You are asking us whether you should give up now before your heart breaks but
we think it is already broken. For, what worst blow to it could there
be than have the man you love (or at least think you love) put such suffocating
conditions and sacrifices on it, only to give nothing in return.
Asides from the hypocrisy of converting to a religion just because he made
it a condition, and engaging in a relationship that many Iranians believe to
be nothing more than a "legal" form of prostitution, he has also
stated to you in clear terms that he will not marry you. Of course, in
general, the fact that a man is not ready to enter marriage is not a reflection
of something lacking in his character.
Many persons make the choice not to marry because they are not ready,
or they are focusing on other aspects of their lives, or maybe they feel
they are just not cut out for it. But in your case, this man is
not telling you he is not ready to marry, he is boldly telling you that
it is YOU he will not marry. He has no problem having sex with
you for five years then go on with his life without you and hopefully
marry the virginal bride of his dreams, but he will not marry you. In
other words, you are not his marriage material!
Why oh why if not for "love" (notice the quotes) would you agree
to be treated this way by this man? In any abusive relationship (and
this is a situation where we see a lot of emotional abuse) there is a 2 way
street: One person inflicts the abuse and the other tolerates it.
Please stop asking yourself whether one wondrous day this gem of a man will
change his mighty mind and ask you to be his wife and start asking yourself
why you would put yourself in such a situation that this man, who is emotionally
completely cut off from you, seems like the ideal mate?
The age difference of course is but one other factor that makes this relationship
problematic but we don't believe age by itself is a determining factor. Rather
it is the uneven emotional control in the relationship that has us concerned.
Please think about whether it is really love you feel for this man or simply
lust? Is the physical side of the relationship worth the emotional beating
you are taking every day and which he will happily inflict on you for the next
five years. Please don't be under the illusion that you will change him
and why would you want to?
When you love someone, it just happens naturally, and there is no need
to change anything in that person, you love the flaws and the qualities
equally. Staying in a relationship with the goal of changing the
person is akin to chasing ghosts. The phantom ideal man that you
have always dreamed of in your mind is not real and will always be out
of your grasp.
Please make the decision that is most emotionally healthy for you.
We wish you the best,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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