October 2, 2003
The Iranian

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Question

* Shunned like damaged goods
 
Is there any hope for a beautiful and single 38-year-old woman who teaches English as a second language abroad of ever finding Mr. Right who has a good heart and isn't over 40?Seems like I'm considered "damaged goods" and shunned by every good man...

Shunned

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear Shunned,
 
They say luck is when opportunity meets preparation.  We venture to say love is a lot like that. By opportunity, we mean that the better caliber of people you surround yourself with, the more opportunity you have to meet your Mr. Right.  If the men who have shunned you did so out of a concept that you are "damaged goods" can they really be called good men? 

You do not elaborate on what you mean by "damaged goods" but whatever has happened in your past, whether you have been divorced, or are a single mom, or have had a string of boyfriends longer than Julia Roberts, there is no basis for likening a human being to "damaged goods" like sour milk or rotten potatos.  Anyone who even includes that express in in their outlook on life is someone who reduces a living breathing human being with all his/her characetristics, qualities, facets, personality etc to a merchandise. 

Secondly, by preparation, we mean that you have to be prepared to accept love into your life.  That is not just your idea of "Mr. Right" is.  For example, the criteria that Mr. Right should not be over 40 reduces your opportunity to meet the mate who will make you happy.  This is an unfair and unrealistic criteria. 

Are you doing the same thing that you complain men of doing?  For example, how would you feel if the man who you love would cross you off as damaged goods because you are over 30?  This is just as arbitrary. 

We abjeez have countless of times warned against the trend to idealize "Mr. or Miss Right" in one's head with page upon page of lists of minute criteria down to whether they drink Coke or Pepsi, as if one was entering into a goods and services contract. 

To invent a phantom image of the ideal mate is the biggest obstacle to finding real love because one is always bound to be disappointed if he or she does not fit exactly into our idea of what is worthy of us. 

Yes, the fantasizing about an ideal mate boils down to ego.  Loving someone is to go beyond ego and to learn to love them for their flaws just as we love them for their qualities. 

If you have the right combination of opportunity and preparation there is no reason why you would not find the mate who will make you happy, will appreciate you and who will fulfill you. 

We wish you the best,

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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