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October 9, 2003
The Iranian
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Question
* Worried about sex
Hello Abjeez,
I am an avid reader of your column, who consistantly supports your advice, and
now I am in much need of some! I am a 19 year old Iranian girl, I lost
my virginity to my first love at 18, and now I am dating an Iranian man, who
I love very much, and look to build a life with. Being a non-virgin never
really bothered me, I had never decided that I wanted to wait for marriage, as
I could have never imagined expereincing only one man my entire life.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 10 months, we began having
sex four months ago, at first very sporadically, but slowly it became
on a more regular basis. So I have a couple of questions about
this new venture in my life (before dating my b/f I had only had sex
twice, with the same guy).
1) After having sex with my b/f I am constantly wondering how he feels
about it, if he thinks less of me for having had sex before, and if he truley
loves making love to me. I love making love to him, and feel great about
it. We have a very open relationship, and so I have asked him these things
before, and he answers that he doesn't think less of me at all, and that he
loves having sex with me... but I still wonder if he's simply saying that to
appease me.
2) We have protected sex, with condoms, but I am not on birth
control, because I am terrified of my parents finding out, what is a
better form of preventing an unexpected pregnancy in my situation (I
live at home, not on campus)?
3) Could you possibly explain the rythm method to me, or let me know
where I can find accurate information about it?
4) Any other advice for or against this pre-marital sex relationship
I have built... I would love some motherly advice, that doesn't come
from my mother.
I would also like to let you know that aside from the sex, we do have a very
strong relationship, we are truley best friends, our parents are best friends,
and we have known eachother since child hood, I'm just worried about this new
dimension we have added to the relationship.
Thank you so much for your time. I am very uch looking forward to hearing from
you. I do not mind my message to be posted on the internet, as long as
it is confidential, as this is an extremely private matter.
Sincerely,
Confused
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Confused,
Thank you for your letter and your kind words. We hope we can continue
to help you with making the decision that is most right for yourself. You have
brought up a lot of issues, let's try to deal with them one by one.
We feel that there is no universal answer whether it is right or wrong to have
pre marital sex. It is absolutely your choice over your own body whether
you want to engage in sex or not, and pre-marital sex is an individual decision:
what YOU feel is morally and emotionally right, not what OTHERS feel is right
for you.
We abjeez would however like to qualify that by saying that age, especially
for a woman, is definitely a factor in your ability to make a reasoned,
well-informed, mature decision. A lot of teen-agers unfortunately
rush into sex without having the emotional maturity to deal with the
consequences , especially if the relationship subsequently self-destructs.
While you may have made the decision to have sex with your boyfriend out of
your own volition, we feel there may have been some negative effects
on you that you are not ready to identify or deal with. After all you were
only 18 at the time, and this was a man you considered "your first love" yet
it seems after a couple of times that you were sexually active with him, the
relationship came to an abrupt end. We don't know the details of
that, but it may be that either you or your ex ended up regretting making that
move.
You waited some time before getting involved sexually again, and it is good
that you want to take things slow. However, It seems you are harboring
some guilty feelings after taking your relationship with your new boyfriend
to the next level so that makes us think you were not ready yet. Seems
you associate sex with feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and seeking the constant
reassurance of your boyfriend.
While some of that may be attributed to your relative inexperience,
it may also be a result of more deep rooted feelings of shame, which
should not be associated with sex. The fact that you wonder whether
he thinks "less of you" shows that you connect the act of sex
with feelings of self worth, and you may feel degraded in your own eyes
about having engaged in pre-marital sex. We suggest that you should
not engage in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just
because you are not a virgin anymore, does not mean you are expected
to be sexually active.
The fact that you are "terrified" about your parents finding out
you are having sex leads us to believe they have raised you, unfortunately,
with a mindset that sex is dirty, forbidden and something to be ashamed of.
Look deep within yourself and ask yourself what is the root of your negative
emotions and talk it out, either with a close friend or if you are too shy
about revealing your feelings, you can write it down in a diary for yourself
and try to analyze yourself. You can also browse the shelves of your
local bookstore and find some good books that can help you deal with your emotions.
As to the issue of birth control, birth control pills alone are not enough
to protect you from Sexually Transmitted Diseases, which often can go undetected
in your partner so even if he feels perfectly healthy, there is no telling. Unless
you are 100% sure that he has always had protected sex with his previous
partners and all of his previous partners also had protected sex with their
partners etc... then you can not take anough precautions...
You should really talk to a doctor, in fact, since you are sexually active,
you should go get checked up at least once a year, have a pap smear and discuss
your birth control options with your doctor. Since you are 19 years old,
we believe that you are no longer considered a minor and so the Doctor is not
allowed to discuss your health with anyone else unless you give him/her
permission to. Check with the doctor before your appointment begins to ensure
total privacy.
About your question on the rhythm method, or calendar method, it is not a very
reliable method of pregnancy prevention because it is based on three assumptions:
• that ovulation occurs fourteen days before the beginning of
menstruation, plus or minus two days
• that sperm remain viable for three days
• that the ovum survives for twenty-four hours. For a woman with very regular
cycles, she needs merely to count backwards from the first day of her period
to locate the day on which she ovulated.Using these three assumptions ovulation
can be predicted and sexual intercourse can be avoided. However, due to the inconsistencies
in month-to-month ovulation and actual cycle times and length, the rhythm method
is not recommended unless the woman has an extremely predictable cycle.
Again, you should discuss this issue with your doctor to find out what
is right for you. But again, please be aware that the rythm method, alone,
does not protect you from STDs.
We hope that this has been helpful and
that you will engage in a lot of thought and inform yourself before you
decide whether you even want to continue being
sexually active.
Wishing you the best,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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