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October 9, 2003
The Iranian
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and comments
Question
* Never had a boyfriend
Dear Abjeez,
I love your column and I think you give great advice. Keep up the good work :)
Here's my problem: I'm 19 years old and I've never had a boyfriend.
Many people find me attractive (they either tell me/show me or let my
friends now) so I'm assuming that I am attractive. I'm also intelligent,
have a good personality, and am a genuinely nice person. I'm not at all
trying to sound conceited so don't take it the wrong way. I'm just trying
to figure out why I am in this position. I'm an assertive person and
I have a strong personality (when guys bother me or my friends I give
them a piece of my mind) but I'm generally a very nice person.
I've gone on dates before but I've never been interested enough to
date the guy. And sometimes when guys find out that I've never had a
boyfriend they don't believe me and I think they think I'm lying
Another thing: I'm definitely not flirtatious (it's just not me! I'm
not comfortable with flirting) and I love shy guys (big problem since
they never make any moves! Or maybe they just don't like my type?).
There was one guy that I talked to EVERY night for hours for about
a month and because he was so shy I figured he liked me since we talked
every night and we kept getting closer and then when he found out how
I felt about him he completely freaked out! It was sooooo weird and after
that I decided I would never assume someone likes me unless they say
so themselves.
Anyways, I'm really worried about myself and I just want to know if
you can help me figure it out. Let me know if you need more information
or anything.
Oh yeah and there is this shy guy I'm feelin right now but I don't
know how to find out how he feels about me. Got any suggestions? Shy
guys are so difficult! am I cursed in the dating world or something?
Thanks,
Always solo
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear Solo,
Thank you for your letter and your kind words to us. We are glad you
enjoy this column and it helps you or entertains you.
To be 19 and not have a boyfriend should not worry you so much. We don't
want to minimize your problem. But we want to let you know this is not
the result of some flaw in your character or an anomaly that needs to be instantly
corrected. You are doing exactly what a lot of girls your age should
be doing but they don't due to peer pressure, lack of self esteem etc. You
are taking things sloooowww, and that is a godd thing.
To date boys and figure out that they are not compatible with you and therefore
not pursuing a romantic relationship shows a great deal of self-knowledge
and maturity. A lot of girls your age may feel the pressure of having a boyfriend
just for the sake of being a couple and they will stick with someone even if
it is not an emotional, intellectual or romantic fit for them.
So what if guys don't believe you when you tell them you have not had a boyfriend? The
persons who take the care and time to get to know you will know what is the
truth and what is false. You don't need anyone's approval or even belief
for the terms that you have decided to live your life on.
It is also okay not to be flirtatious. Flirting is a natural thing that
will come to you once you meet someone you are romantically interested in. Flirting
can take many forms, it doesn't have to be an aggressive sexually charged overture.
A lot of people flirt through humor for example. To have the ability
of making someone laugh may ignite the first sparks of romantic interest.
It was brave of you to let your true feelings known to the boy you
were interested in. The fact that he "freaked" out on you is
unfortunate but not a sign that you should change your personality, and close
yourself off. Don't let the actions of others stifle what seems to be
your bubbly, lively and positive personality.
If you like someone who is shy, you have to be patient and let them come out
of their shell. Romance is not something that you can make happen by
your will, words or actions, it has to happen gradually. Why don't you
build a solid friendship so that there is no pressure and the shy guy gradually
feels more comfortable around you, in opening up to you. A lot of romances
blossom after a friendship.
On the other hand, don't mistake shyness with clear signs that someone is not
interested in you romantically. There is a difference though it may be
slight because guys usually are not too direct when it comes to their feelings. Their
actions speak louder than words.
We wish you the best and are sure you will eventually find someone who can
not only become your boyrfriend but your best friend as well
Take Care,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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