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October 28, 2003 Send us your questions and comments Question * Ally McBeal eating disorder I am 17. I have a best friend, she is an amazing friend. We go to the same school, we have lunch together and we always spend time together except when she has skating practice. She is an amazing ice-skater and I think she will be on the Olympic one day. What I am writing about is I am not sure if she has a problem or maybe I am freaking out for nothing. She has always been the skinniest girl but this year, she does not eat at the cafe anymore. She brings her own lunch and it is just carrots and celery. Also I have heard her in the bathroom coughing and it sounded like maybe she was puking but she denies it. Her face has become really pale and even some kids are making fun of her calling her Snow White and Ally McBeal. I did not mention anything to her but because we had a class on annorexia and bolimia I was wondering do you think anything is going on? And what should I do to help her? Thanks a lot! S. Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear S, Figure-skating, despite all the frilly costumes and romantic music, is a tough competitive sport. Your friend may be feeling the pressure to succeed professionally and maybe she feels that the less weight she has, the easier it would be for her to accomplish the difficult ice-skating moves. But how do you figure out if these signs translate into an eating disorder, especially if she does not want to open up? The hardest thing in the world is to try to help someone who is in an addiction and does not want to be helped. Firstly, you have to be very understanding, and express your support. It already sounds like you will have no problem with your caring attitude. Try saying: "I care about you, I heard you throwing up, and I'm worried that you are causing harm to your body. I'd like to help you find help. I'm here for you. You can tell me anything..." This may be a better approach than saying, for example, "You're sick" or "You need to eat" because it may put your friend on the defensive. Also timing is everything. Choose a time and place where there will be no interruptions and no need to hurry. Most importantly, do not confront her in front of others as, again, she will be put on the defensive and even lash out at you if she feels you are embarrassing her. Just like any other homework, you should do your research before going to her. Go to your guidance counselor at school and get information such as brochures, community resource, doctor or treatment program. It may also help to offer to accompany her to a treatment center, clinic, or therapist if she is hesitant about going. Also encourage her to speak with her family or a trusted adult so she can get their support. In the end, you have to prepare yourself for disappointment. The chances of an eating disordered person admitting they have a problem when first confronted are pretty slim (no pun intended). Take comfort in the fact that she at least will know you're watching and that you care about her so that she can come to you when she IS ready. Learning to accept your limitations, without giving up, will help to keep you from blaming yourself should your efforts fail to produce a desirable outcome. Keep in mind that people typically need to hear things several times before they are ready to take action and make a change.
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