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September 19, 2003
The Iranian
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Question
* Dad or the divorcee?
Dear Abjeez,
First of all let me thank you for your fantastic job. The Abjeez section
is my favorite in Iranian.com.I try to follow all of your comments and to be
honest
with you, in my opinion, they
are flawless. I admire your proper perspective of various issues. SO
I believe your comments on my problem are trustworthy.
Here is the story: I met my boyfriend about 8 months ago. He is Iranian and got
divorced after a short marriage two years ago (as far as I know his wife
turned out to be a lesbian and his mother-in-law was a pain in the neck
all the time).
Anyhow after going out for six months, our relationship became serious
and I introduced him to my parents. My mom seemed to be OK with him but
my dad rejected him right off the bat. This is exactly what my dad said
: "man nemipasandam ke dokhtari ro ke mesle dasteh gol (!) baa
khoone del bozorg kardam, baa pesary ezdevaaj kone ke ghablan ezdevaaj
karde!... farhange man ejaaze nemide."
On the other hand I love my boyfriend. I don't know exactly what love
means, but I can tell that I have never liked any guy that much. I find him
very honest, caring and family oriented. At the beginning, the fact that
he is a divorcee didn't bother me that much but after having feelings
for him, it is getting under my skin!
So, I don't know what to do. I love my father and WHATEVER he
says is respectful for me BUT even the thought of breaking up with
my boyfriend is extremely painful!
Your prompt help is really appreciated.
Wondering
 Reply
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:
Dear "Wondering",
Thank you for your letter and your encouraging comments. We are glad
that youenjoy our advice column and that it helps you in some way.
As we have said previously, we firmly believe that marriage is the strongest
union between two people, involving not only love and passion, but also respect,
commitment, and yes, compatibility. Although traditionally, Iranian marriages
are a transaction between two families, we believe that two married people
have to really come into their own, and stand as an independent unit with the
least interference of outside parties (even if they are well meaning), in order
to succeed.
After all, getting married means investing your whole life, your thoughts,
your feelings, your hopes and wishes into your life partner, that you will
stand back to back and support and protect each other against the unruly currents
of the world.
Parental advice may be wise and even instructive however it is the two of you
and only you who can ultimately make the decision whether to join your life
together. You have to understand that, while parents may be well meaning,
you cannot live and abide by their ideas and standards once you are married. They
may still think of you as their baby, who is incapable of fending for herself. Or
they may simply balk at the idea of "losing" you to a stranger after
all they have done to raise you.
You should alleviate their concerns by telling them what a good job
they have done in raising you, so good in fact that you are now ready
to think for yourself. Your parents are not going to
be married to your mate. You are. So you have to think about
what your own criteria are. Your own idea of what is right
and wrong for you. Of what will make you happy.
Here, it is not so important what your father thinks of your husband's past
marriage, it is what you think that should matter. If you have any doubts
as to this union, now is the time to explore them, to identify your concerns, discuss
them with your boyfriend, and eventually, you have to evaluate whether you
will be happy with your choice. Because after you get married is not
the time to bring up these types of problems, which you knew about going in.
Why do you have concerns about your husband's previous marriage? Other
than the less flattering words about his ex spouse and ex mother in law , which
no doubt came from his naturally one-sided description, what is it exactly
that bothers you about his being divorced. Is it simply a social stigma,
as your father has described? Or is there something more? Is his
ex-wife still involved in his life? Are there children of the marriage? Do
you think he contributed in his own way to the demise of his marriage? Maybe
what you fear is the long term success of your union with someone who had once
pledged his eternal life to someone else and then reneged on his vows after
a short time.
Please understand that marriage needs complete trust between two people. It
is a life time commitment. If you have some doubts, and as you yourself
have pointed out, you don't know what love means yet, don't rush into marriage. This
does not mean you have to break up with your boyfriend. Simply take your
time and get to know him more, once the fires of infatuation have somewhat
lowered and you can more objectively figure out whether this is the person
who will make you happy and with whom you are ready to found a family of your
own.
We wish you the best of luck and we are sure you make the right decision for
yourself and your mate.
Our best,
Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti
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