April 7, 2004
iranian.com

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* Who is "najib" and who is not?

Dear Abjeez:

I have been reading your answers to many problems of others, which is really nice. I also have a problem and don't know how to get the answer. if u could please help me. I am dating an Iranian girl (she is my girlfreind since 7 months).

By the way I am 29 years old and she is 22, and we were both grew up in Germany and still do. I always had this image of Iranian girls that they want to mary and very conservative you know... But before meeting her I had two other girlfirends 24 and 26 years of age and they were exactly the opposite: we had sex on our first or second date, and they were not conservative att all -- actually the contrary.

They were even open for more sexual experiences than my ex-European girlfriends (which actually surprised me). They were absolutely open for speaking about sex and other experinces with sex. And I know that one of the, later cheated on her boyfriend ; I'm sure about that.

This girl who I am dating now is a bit more hard to get. We selpt with each other after 3 months of dating. She has had BF's since she was 15 and had sex at that same (she is very very good looking). She says she has changed and doesn't want to make the mistakes she did before. She has told me she had sex with 5 other guys before me (she is 22 now).

I am not a type of guy who would say no it's not good that girls have boyfriends and have sex before marriage but I don't like it either that they start so early (I statred at hte age of 17 and had 6 girlfriends and others just for fun -- u know, sex). She also mentioned that her first experinece wasn't good at all. (The guy was very aggresseive and they had no feelings.)

Anyway my questions are:

1. about Iranian girls generally how can I see the differences of who is "najib" and who is not, and really it's hard to tell that by going out on a date or two or even talking to them.(probably I am dumb) :), and who to trust among theses grils as girlfriends and probably later for marriage.

2. about my girlfriend now I have feelings for her, and when we have sex she always tells me that I am sometimes too wild and she needs more feelings, but I see during sex that she also enjoys me being wild with her. She always mentions these after sex but in a very soft way. So I really don't know what she likes?

Please advise me about the my girlfriend how she is and what kind of girl is she compared to all of my Iranain girl expeienced.

Many thanks for your time :)

A.M.

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear A.M.:

Thank you for your letter.

We don't know exactly what you mean by the word "najib". We know that the word can be loosely translated as "pure" but we are not sure if you mean you are looking for someone who is a physical virgin or for someone who is "pure" of heart.

We definitely think that whether it is for a romantic relationship or for marriage, you have to look at all aspects of a person, not just their sexual history, to determine whether it will be a good match for you. In order to have a successful marriage or relationship, you need to have love AND compatibility, trust and intimacy.

And you already know the answer to achieve that. Communication is key. How else will you get to know a person? Please don't call yourself "dumb", just because you may have mistaken someone's true feelings in the past does not mean that you are "dumb." You have to take your mistakes and learn and grow from them.

In the case of your girlfriend, it seems that unfortunately she has succumbed to something all too common which is peer pressure. From what you say, it seems that she engaged in sex way too young, when she was still a child, and that the experience was brutal, aggressive and unloving. Furthermore, she harbors regrets about her past behavior and it seems she is now finally old enough to recognize and change this self-destructive behavior of giving her body mind and soul as a result of pressure and without love.

It is a good idea to take things slow and also to try to talk more with your girlfriend so you can create trust and intimacy between each other. Your girlfriend's past experience has created some conflicting feelings about sex. While, as you say, she seems to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex, this may be only a fleeting sensation to be replaced by longer lasting and negative feelings afterwards. Communication with her is the only key to ensure that you are not together perpetuating the cycle of peer pressure.

Just because she has had five past boyfriends in seven years does not mean that your girlfriend is necessary emotionally comfortable or even ready to engage in sex even if she expresses momentary pleasures while in the midst of the act.

If you care about her, you will tell her that she does not have to do anything she does not want to. It may be that the past experiences she had are so traumatic that she has not been able to get over them and she keeps associating the act of sex with aggression and indifference.

Encourage her to seek some help in dealing with these issues whether it is through self-exploration or with the help of a counselor.

We wish you the best,

Abjeez

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