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April 14, 2004 Send us your questions and comments Question * Depression & driving Dearest Abjeez: I am a very sad, very lonely 22 year old woman who hates everything about herself. Every day, I feel this pain inside of me. I feel like a complete failure, my mind is always saying, "loser". I absolutely hate myself. My depression has always been there, ever since I was 13. Note that I actually manifested depression at 13, but I always had some tender pain inside of me. My depression was never seriously acknowledged by my parents and only recently have I even been able for them to take me to the doctor. Even then, it was not a psychiatrist, only a GP who wrote my a prescription for a drug I also thought I would be a good candidate for Paxil. The reasons for my depression were never really endogenous -- the lack of freedom in my life was the cause of my depression. After all, I always knew where it stemmed from -- directly and indirectly. My parents. My mother is American; my father Iranian. My father ran the show and imposed a lifestyle that is completely (in)compatible in this society. His rules left me culturally lacerated and deeply lonely. I could never join sports because of his strict dress code, I could never spend the night at other people's homes, I could never go to school dances, other people's parties and worst of all, Christmas was forbidden. I would spend every holiday break so depressed because my mother and brothers felt so sad that they could have no Christmas. My face was pressed against a window when I saw other children celebrating, getting gifts. No one had any idea how alone I was. I was deprived, and my mother could do nothing about it. I was never really a good student -- until the tenth grade. I was especially weak in mathematics and science, which you will probably be surprised to know as you read farther down and know more about me. Being a teenager was especially awful. Not only does it suck to grow up, but imagine growing up with all these cultural problems? I felt that I would be doomed. I would be dependent on my parents for the rest of my life, with no end out. Of course, I always had to stay home. I was confined to my dad's office (he is a college professor and he would badger and practically force me to study at the library). Never once did he ever think or suggest or permit if I asked him to do something fun, a movie, a party. I felt very hopeless. At the time, I was not doing well in chemistry. So I had to make sure to really look at that. The more I did, however, the more I fell in love with chemistry. I studied it voraciously, on top of all my other subjects. Around that time, being a 15 year old, there was lots of talk about college and good grades and having a great future. I studied so hard! I taught myself how to study. I was determined to go to a good college and get out of this mess by never having to become dependent on my parents. In that sense, my wish came true but my heart is still filled with failure: I am a fourth year pharmacy student who will graduate in 2005. Here is why I am screwed up (an alternative choice of wording, believe me, I can swear): I have no idea how to take care of myself. Worst of all, what really makes me a f*** up is that I have no driver's license. When I was eighteen, my father began to teach me how to drive. It was terrible, I was even more terrible. My father always told me I had no judgment, no sense of what was going on around me. For instance, when merging into traffic, I was always scared to go in and would never get in until traffic was almost dead. I was always unsure about when you stop. I could never get the beat of when to stop at the yellow light and either I would stop in the middle of the intersection or run a red light. Of course, I was bashed about that. And I never could get it right, so it was an ongoing thing. One day, I finally mustered up the courage to take my driving test in the hopes that if I could get it, then I could learn driving on my own without my father's negative energy. I assumed that I would pass my driving test because I would not feel my father near me. I was wrong. I failed the test, all because I was overly cautious. Because I got tired of sweaty palms at the wheel, nightmares of fatal car accidents the night before I had to drive anywhere and a sense of panic and pain always with me before I got into the car, I stopped driving. My grades improved because I walked into the classroom with less trembling and my grades improved. My father, as always, drives me around. After all, he is a professor at the same university that I go to. He absolutely hates it because sometimes we have to stay on campus for long hours to meet both his schedule and my schedule. I feel like a burden. I am stuck. I tried counseling. The lady was often quiet because she had no idea what to say to me. She should say to me, "Well, if you could do pharmacy, then why can't you drive? You overcame those obstacles. Can't you apply that to this?" My reply, "Learning to study did not require my father being next to me. It was static. There was not a car involved -- that was dynamic. You couldn't leave that situation and study in your room and learn to drive competently." I get very, very upset if anybody ever tells me that I should drive because I am in pharmacy school. The two do not relate. I cannot whip out my pharmacy license and get a driver's license for it, can I? Please do not tell me that, because I obviously don't have what I need. I tried Paxil. That's an antidepressant that also helps with panic disorders. It is often indicated in panic disorders. It helped some, but not a whole lot. So I stopped taking it. Besides, after nearly ten years of untreated depression, I could handle it without drugs. Xanax to calm down the anxiety would put me to sleep and can't sleep and drive at the same time. My mother? She told me that I have never given up on anything but this. That I told myself that I cannot do it. That I quit and never tried to drive again. That I am being ridiculous. I have pleaded with her that the whole experience was traumatic and that I have to go to driving school. She tells me to wait after school gets out. Yeah, I forgot to mention that my father says driving school is about paying "fifty dollars an hour to have somebody show you how to steer a wheel; a driving school won't teach you judgment and that's what you don't have." I tried having friend teach me how to drive. That does not work either for a variety of reasons: 1.) driving takes practice and you can only do it once or twice a week at best 2.) I don't want to total their cars and worry about their insurance 3.) the last lady who tried to help me said that I was "full of nerves" and that I was overly cautious and that "scared her". She wasn't mean to me, but she really couldn't help me. I have tried so many things to start driving again and when I say this to my mother, she tells me that I have given up and that is it my problem. Next year, I have to do clinicals. And I can't drive. I am the only person who cannot drive. As my father once said, "You will depend on people to take you around for the rest of your life." What can I do? I feel so hopeless! Abjeez write: Dear Depressed: If you feel there is something more in you that requires counseling, therapy or anything else, you have to take an active part in healing yourself. There is nothing preventing you from speaking to a school counselor to get referred to potential therapists, doctors, or psychologists that may help you with your problem. Just because one counselor did not seem to help, that doesnít mean you are limited to her. Maybe she was not the good fit for you. There are organizations like the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) that offer over 1000 peer-run support groups nationwide where you will find comfort and direction in a confidential and supportive setting. Finding the right professional counseling for you may be only a click of the internet or phone call away. There are some things that we suggest would go a long way to start the voyage to emotional recovery. While we are sorry to hear that you grew up with a clash of cultures due to your mixed Iranian and American heritage, we want to point out that there are many in the same spot as you, and who have learned to extract the positive aspects that this union of cultures can bring rather than just the negatives. We do not know where you live but if there are young Iranian-Americans
around, it may be useful to start connecting with them and start friendships
because who else would better relate to you and your dilemmas. They may
even point out to you the half full part of the glass rather than the
half empty part you have focused on. We always believe that negative reaffirmation makes whatever the problem worse. First of all you have to stop engaging in this type of attitude. YES, you can do it. With help from a professional, and/or help from your peers, you have to break the addiction, developed over years, like smoking, and just as addictive and nefarious. Every time that you feel yourself engaging in the ìpoor meî attitude, you need to stop yourself and immediately contact your support group or counselor. If they are not immediately available to you, go out there and run for an hour, or shoot some basketball, or go to a movie with a friend, whatever it is that will distract you from this. Better yet why donít you volunteer at a soup kitchen or a womenís
shelter to really appreciate that while life has not handed you all roses,
you at least have the potential of changing all that. For some people,
even those simple choices are all but gone. Also, we are not sure if you are supporting yourself, in case your parents
are covering your tuition, we suggest you further gain independence by
getting a job, and/or a student loan and support yourself through the
rest of school. Not only will you gain independence but it will go a
long way to your feelings of self worth. There is nothing like acquiring
skills, and getting a job well done to make you feel better about your
contribution to society. There is nothing so liberating as sitting your butt down on a subway
or bus and having someone else take care of the rigors of the road while
you sit back, relax and plunge into your juicy novel, write in your diary
or listen to your walkman. No mass transport in your city? There must
be roads right ? Get a bicycle and ride yourself around to class (it
should be especially bike friendly on a university campus).
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