April 23, 2004
iranian.com

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Question

* Meekhaam beekhiyaal sham

Dear Abjeez,

I am sensitive person and normally don't want to hurt any body and I try to respect people's beliefs but sometimes it bothers me and think that I shouldn't let people's ideas affect in my life. I can not let what they say go into my mind and keep thinking why they said that? Sometimes their conversations are in my mind and bothers me although I didn't follow what they said.

How can I stop this sensitivity and try not to think what I've heard from people? And why are their words are important to me? I really want to help myself and begholeh maroof BEEKHIYAAL sham.

Many thanks for your help,

Hassas

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Hassas,

Being sensitive is not a flaw, rather we wish more people could be sensitive because it is both an intense self-awareness as well as awareness of others around you. From being sensitive, we can shed a tear at the beauty of a piece of art or a landscape given to us by Mother Nature, we can also empathize with our fellow human beings who are in dire circumstances. Sensitivity is rather lacking in this world! The flip side is that when we are sensitive we are also sensitive to the bad. So hurtful comments, mean spirited people, ugly deeds and things will likely demoralize and sadden us.

There is a difference between being sensitive and over-sensitive. You have to look at it in terms of proportionality. Whether your reaction to comments of those around you are too extreme or overly long lasting for something that may have been said in jest, in pasing and without the intention to hurt you. On the other hand, you have to figure out whether you are simply seeing those comments and words as what they are, hurtful statements intended to criticize, and demoralize you.

Oftentimes, people who tend to throw hurtful words and comments do so because it gives them a feeling of superiority or a secret joy to see how much power they wield over you and then when you react and or confront them with their behavior their easiest self defense is that you are being "too sensitive."

Most often than not, when we feel hurt or demoralized it is because the words and comments directed at us were done with bad intent. So you have to think about the intention of the person who has said those particular words that have affected you so deeply. And if the person consistently and repeatedly engages in such a pattern with you, then it is best to avoid that person altogether because it is they who have a flaw in their character and not you.

If you are a sensitive person you cannot will yourself into becoming a "bikhyaal" or careless person. The best defense of a sensitive person is to develop a hardshell so that people can not see how vulnerable they are. But with that hard shell protection also comes an isolation that may leave you with a dire need for intimate connection with someone else.

We hope that you do not leave the ranks of the sensitive in this world, they are fast dwindling!

Our best,

Abjeez

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