March 1, 2004
The Iranian

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Question

* Sex & heroine

Dear Abjeez,

Over the past three months, my boyfriend's interest in sex has dwindled to the point of not wanting to have sex at all. I have tried everything to arouse him, sexy lingerie, toys, aphrodisiacs. I thought he may be cheating on me so to test him, I offered to have a threesome with him and another woman, but he did not bite. I still love him and know that he loves me too. We are both young (in our twenties) and attractive and we never had this problem until three months ago!

One thing I should mention is that a few months ago, he started dabbling in heroine but it is only a weekend habit. I don't know that much about drugs as I am not a user myself. (I don't even smoke!) Could that be part of the problem with his sex drive?

Frustrated

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Frustrated:

It is interesting that you chose to characterize your problem as a "sex" problem and only brought up the issue of heroin use at the very end of the letter, almost as an afterthought.
We don't know if you genuinely are this naÔve about heroin or you have chosen to put your head in the sand, but our primary suggestion to you is that you need to re-evaluate your priorities. The problem you are having in the sex department is only a symptom of a much bigger problem which is your boyfriend's heroin use.

Although all drugs are addictive and potentially destructive, heroin is uniquely dangerous. Compared to other drugs, heroin is extremely addictive. Many users claim to have been addicted after their first time. Additionally, it is lethal. Users often die a very painful death from "O.D.ing", which is the depression of breathing but also can be due to the rapid and sudden flooding of the lungs with fluid. It can cause also you to vomit while unconscious, which can lead to suffocation. Other than resulting in death from O.D. , you are also at high risk of contracting HIV from an infected needle.

Please also get yourself tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases because as his partner, he is putting you at risk too.

Other long-term effects are collapsed veins, infection of heart lining or valves, abscesses and liver disease. A film that is highly effective in conveying the destructiveness of this drug is Trainspotting, rent it if we still haven't convinced you.

You are wrong if you think your boyfriend is not cheating on you. The power of the heroin is such that often addicts refer to it as their "mistress". Your boyfriend doesn't need to have sex with you because "he already is." In other words, your favors have been replaced by the euphoric highs provided by heroin. Please don't be fooled into thinking he has kept this as a week-end hobby only. You have to realize that he will lie to you in order to keep his drug habit protected.

Although this advice may seem harsh, our suggestion is that you should distance yourself from him. This may seem selfish and it may be hard for you to end the relationship or at least turn it platonic but remember that it was he who first took the step to destroy your relationship when he started shooting up.

If you want to help him, you wil do it from a distance, by advising him to get himself into a drug recovery clinic such as methadone or a rapid detox program as well as joining a twelve-step recovery group such as Narcotics Anonymous. Better yet tell his family about it, because they have a right to know what is happening and it is primarily their responsibility to help him. But please know that you are helpless to force him to change, only he can make this decision.

You should ask yourself if this was the same man that you fell in love with and whether it was a big dream of yours to go out with a junkie when you met him. If you do not take this step now, you may change your mind later when you see him O.D. for the first time. We hope you realize before that what you need to do for your own emotional health and safety.

Yours sincerely,

Abjeez

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