February 19, 2004
The Iranian

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* Problem? We are both girls

Dear Abjeez,

Please please don't use my real name. What I have to say shames me immensely. It happened last Saturday night when as usual, I was out partying with my best friend and getting drunk, high, etc. Anyway, we both took a cab to my house and she ended up sleeping over -- in my bed. I can't believe it but we ended up fooling around big-time. Problem? We are both girls.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with gays but I never considered myself one. To tell you the truth, the morning after and ever since, I have felt really odd and uncomfortable towards her and outright avoiding her. One thing I am sure of: I don't want that same thing to happen again. We used to go get drunk pretty much every night after school but now I'm worried about getting drunk with her. If she comes back wanting the same thing to happen, how do I let her down without hurting her?

Confused

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Confused:

Thank you for your letter and we want to reassure you that we always keep the anonymity of our readers.

The first thing that worries us is that you say you are used to getting drunk "every night" and that you also get high, which we assume is also every night. We do not know how old you are but even if you are of drinking age, we do not think you are engaging in responsible behavior.

We strongly recommend that you evaluate how the alcohol and drugs are making you take the wrong choices in life and putting you in not only embarrassing situations but potentially dangerous ones as well. We are not condemning you merely because you engaged in bisexuality with your best friend although we deal with that later on, but rather we would have the same attitude if you had ended up fooling around with some strange man you had met and picked up at the bar.

Although of course, nobody but you can take the decision to get yourself in a substance abuse recovery program, our first and foremost advice is that you engage in some deep internal self-evaluation, preferably with a counselor, to figure out if you are controlling your life or if you are being controlled by the substances you imbibe.

To admit that you have a problem is the most difficult step and to get help is the bravest thing you can do. Try talking to someone close to you, whether in your family, or a teacher at school, or guidance counselor. We do not know the root of your reliance on alcohol and drugs but please note that your behavior seems outside the norms of the partying that most young people do, especially because it is making you fall into situations that you would not normally choose if sober.

Which brings us to your relationship with your best friend. First of all, do not assume that she is interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with you. She may very well have the same substance abuse problems as you (it makes sense because addicts tend to hang around other addicts who can justify and enable their own addiction). She may have woken up the next morning just as embarrassed as you and not planning to duplicate this event. If truly you are interested in keeping the friendship, instead of letting it die down and avoiding her, you will set a time to have a direct talk with her about what happened and your feelings about it.

If on the other hand, your friend has hopes of developing something further in that direction with you, you have to be clear with her that you are not interested.

This may signal the end of your friendship, but as we have said before, we question how healthy this friendship is to begin with since you seem nothing more than "partying" companions.

We are not sure if you are ready to take this advice to heart or if you are simply concerned about getting on with your hard partying. We hope that this event makes you at the very least reflect on the path that you are taking in your life and decide whether it is worth it to continue in that direction.

Yours sincerely,

Abjeez

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