January 13, 2004
The Iranian

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Question

* No sweet romance

Dear Abjeez,

It seems as if all of your entries include love problems. I, also, have such a problem. I am 25 years old and a student in law school. I have dated a few men in my days, but none have ever progressed to a serious point because I have begun to realize that I am completely afraid of commitment, despite the fact that I would like to fall in love and be married one day.

I met a guy early this past year who from the very first days, pursued me relentlessly. I had just gotten out of a relationship and did not want to jump into another, which we spoke about and we remained friends. Our relationship grew over the following months, we spoke on the phone nearly every day and he was truly one of my best friends during those times.

We began to date early in August. This man talks a 'big game' in that he is so honorable, caring and asserted from day one that he is 'not like other guys.' Never once did he offer to take me out to dinner... there was no 'wining and dining' or sweet romantic gestures involved in our relationship. We are both very busy, him more so since he is in his last year and is having difficulty finding a job.

I understand all this but if you are going to be in a relationship, wouldn't you want to spend time at least 1 night a week with your significant other? Our dates consisted of hanging out at my apartment.  I confronted him several times about this and he was always sure of his feelings for me and said he would do better because he has never had a serious girlfriend.

One day, we had an argument over something stupid, and he starts saying 'he can't handle this' and that I am too good for him and also that he suffers from male depression. I have read about male depression and the consequences, but he doesn't seem to have any problems with his other acquaintances.

When I asked if he wanted to break up, he only said he 'needed time.' Neither one of us has called the other since that conversation. The worst part is, I still have to see him around campus and it breaks my heart every time even though I know it should not. I feel like I lost my best friend for no reason and I am disappointed that he is not the type of person I thought he was. 

Just this past weekend, I saw him out and he did not speak to me, yet on Monday sent me an email asking me how I was doing. I am beginning to become really insulted and angry at these inconsistencies and mind games. If one of my girlfriends behaved in a similar manner. I would not consider her my friend. I don't know what the best way is to handle this situation...

Disappointed

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear "Disappointed"

We think you should re-read your very own sentence:
" If one of my girlfriends behaved in a similar manner, I would not consider her my friend. "

You are dealing with a man who is very absorbed right now in his career and his studies. Something somewhere along the line has persuaded him that it is okay to put you at the bottom of his priorities. As you say, if he is not acting like this with his other friends, then this is not a consistent problem rather he has decided that it is safe to treat you as the doormat.

While "wining and dining" is not the man's duty, there should always be give and take in a balanced relationship. If he is not giving you the attention that you deserve or he is not treating you in a way that gives you self-respect, then not only is this not the right love match for you, it is also not a good friendship.

As we abjeez always say, a long lasting compatible love is rooted in a deep friendship. The love mate should be your best mate as well.

As for your fear of commitment, don't mistake bad or unsuccessful relationships for something that you should blame on yourself. Have you done anything to sabotage perfectly ideal, loving relationships?  What would be the reason that you are afraid of commitment?

Of course you also have to realize that not being ready for something serious or long term is perfectly okay. You should definitely not commit yourself for the sake of having someone (anyone) in your life. When you are good and ready, and you have found your soulmate, falling in love and committing your life will be the easiest and smoothest transition.

You are young and in the midst of your studies. You are still discovering who you are and what your romantic and platonic expectations are. Don't rush into anything and do not let someone like this person throw you off your path. As you said, it is his last school year and before you know it, you won't even have to experience the discomfort of bumping into him. Meanwhile keep him at arms length and concentrate on yourself and your real friends, those willing to share ups as well as downs with you. Remember for next time always be weary of someone who proclaims he is "not like the others' because it is a sure sign that he probably is. If you have to say it, it's like you're trying to convince yourself.

With our best wishes and our invitation to come have a chai and shirnee with us anytime,

Your Abjeez

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