January 27, 2004
The Iranian

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Question

* Looking for a friend

Hello to my dear Abjeez,

People ask all kinds of wierd questions but mine is a bit silly and I feel like a looser asking it but I'm sure you will give me some sort of hint.

You see I'm having problems in the frind department. Eversince we moved to the U.S. five years ago when I was 15, I haven't been able to make any stable friends except for one and she's recently moved away and I feel really lonely.

Again I feel a bit looserish talking about this but it really bothers me, because I know there's nothing wrong with me I'm totaly confident about my looks and who I am and fairly outgoing but I'm realy desperate for a good friend. Can you give me some advice as to how I could possibly manage this problem?

I would be extremelyyyy appreciative.

Looking for Friends

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear "Looking for Friends",

Your question is far from silly, it is in fact one of the most important things in life to connect with others, whether just platonic friendships or something more.

In order to answer your own question, you have to ask yourself what may be the reasons
that you have not been able to have long lasting friendships. From the tone of your letter, it seems you are outgoing enough to be able to make friends, but you may have problems holding on to them. We are sure you already hold the keys yo your problem, you just need a bit of self-introspection.

First of all, you have to define what you expect from a friendship. You have to remember that any successful relationship has to be balanced, with give and take. If you put too much expectation on your friend, or you take more than you give, these may be some reasons why your relationships don't last.

You also have to explore compatibility. When you move into a new environment, as you have, it is difficult to connect with people who have had such a different upbringing and life experience from you. But the difference in culture can make the friendship all the more interesting, as long as the persons involved are equally open-minded. Have you been tolerant of the differences between you and your friends? What about the persons you frequent, are they also flexible?

The easiest point to start a friendship is to find things in common, this can be anything from music and art, to sports and games, to movies and books. If you are not in school, you may want to join some community center classes or volunteer for an organization in your field of interest. After forging the initial friendship, it is important to cultivate the friendship by taking into consideration those things we talked about earlier.

Remember that the best attribute to attract others to you is self-confidence and positive attitude. Characterizing yourself as a loser will reflect in your body language, demeanor and vocabulary. If you need to, remind yourself at every step about your qualities and all the people who love you already. Do not ever consider yourself a loser because this is a self-defeating mentality.

We send you all our love,

Abjeez

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