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March 16, 2004
iranian.com
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* Abusive mother
Dear Abjeez
Please do not print my name because this is a family secret that has been burning
me for so long, I had no one to turn to and oddly enough, I thought by talking
to someone totally anonymously, it may lift a bit of the guilt and shame I
am feeling.
This is about my rocky relationship with my mother. Ever since I was little,
I believe that the way she disciplined me was abusive both psychologically
and physically. I know that old school Iranian parents and maybe some new generations,
too, believe corporal punishment for a child is okay but I am not talking about
a little spanking here and there. I am talking about hard slaps to the face,
kicks all over my body with her leg and foot. I mean, being beaten up!
This was as far as I can remember up to the age of around 11 or 12 when
I physically was able to defend myself and then she did not raise her
hand to me anymore. And as far as I know, I would never do anything to
trigger such a harsh reaction. It was because of stuff like dropping
a saltshaker by accident while clearing the table, or not getting a good
enough grade on my homework.
But believe it or not, the physical beatings was nothing compared to the mental
beatings I took down. It was always talks of how I was stupid, ugly, no-good
I am, and I would never have any friends, or ever be married because of my
horrible "akhlaagh" all this in a screaming tone. I was not able
to have any friends over at the house and when some of them did show up, as
all the neighborhood kids would naturally do, she actually slammed the
door in their face after some nasty comments.
If I was allowed to go anywhere at a birthday party or school event,
it would be ten to twelve phone calls throughout the entire event, to
make sure I am still there or something as if I was lying and
would skip out on the party to go commit some crime. Needless to say
I never was allowed to date, and the mention of the other gender
sparked the most intense shouts and screams demeaning me and my
dirty thoughts.
Through all this, my father had little to do with it all, he just sort of looked
away I guess. Too busy with work and things like that. He never came to my
defense.
Abjeez, you have to realize that while it is happening to you, you don't
really realize it. It is after many years, after I moved away from home and
began an independent life far away that I began to see how other families (including
Iranian ones) interacted towards each other and that my mom's behavior is not
normal and could be labeled as abusive.
I have had a very arms-length approach to my mother in my adult life although
I love her as my mother of course, but I just don't think I like her very much
as a person if that makes any sense.
My dilemma is that I am now married to a wonderful man and we are
about to start a family. I am very concerned about exposing my children to
their grandmother. On one hand I don't know how I could forbid them from seeing
each other, she is after all their grandmother, on the other hand, I have promised
myself to raise my kids in a nurturing environment where I can discipline
them but NOT humiliate them and destroy their self-worth. It took me a lot
of years to get over the sense of humiliation and self-worth inflicted by my
mother and I dont't want my kids exposed to that.
What do you think I should do? It would be very hard for me to confront my
mother about all these things.
Feeling Guilty.
 Reply
Abjeez write:
Dear "Feeling Guilty"
We appreciate your honest letter that must have been so painful to write. You
are right in saying that the discipline methods in Iranian families may sometimes
be nefarious to the kids especially the acceptance of corporal punishment as
appropriate form of punishment for children. However, we are also glad that
you point out that there are many Iranian families who do not believe this
is appropriate and do not discipline their children that way. We would also
add that the problem is not restricted to Iranian or Middle-Eastern families
but is pervasive of all culture and nationalities.
From what you describe to us, we believe you are right in feeling
the way you do, that is the actions of your mother went beyond that of
simple discipline and actually entered the territory of child abuse.
Although some people believe that a light spanking with an open hand
on the posterior can be acceptable, we abjeez would not even
embrace that notion. But slaps to the face and kicks all over your body
do not constitute any type of appropriate and proportionate behavior,
no matter what you had done as a child.
Worse than that, the mental wounds often heal much much later than the physical
ones. Shouts that demean and humiliate do nothing to teach a child
about right and wrong. Instead of talking to you about any actions you
had done and why it was right or wrong, your mother chose to personally
attack you.
Maybe, she had no inkling of the long term effects that such treatment
would have on you. Perhaps she was brought up the same way and believed in
the notion of tradition and preserving the old way of life. However, none of
this excuses what she has done.
Although you may feel guilty about not letting your mom see your kids, you
have to remember that your priority as a mother is to protect your children
from any negative effects. If there is a destructive element around your children,
even if it comes from a family source, it is your responsibility to shield
your children from it, especially if they are little.
However, before you close the door forever, you have to consider whether there
are any solutions or ways to solve this problem or at least alleviate it. This
will help ease your guilty conscience because at the very least you will have
tried to open the door for possible relationship between not only your mom
and your children but also yourself and your mom.
We don't know if you have ever confronted your mom about what has happened
in your childhood. From what you say, it seems you just drifted away and even
now, you keep communication as little as possible to avoid any head on confrontation.
Perhaps it would be a weight off your shoulders if you finally got to
express your feelings to your mother about what she has done and why
it was wrong of her. Of course starting such a discussion is very thorny
and wrought with emotional upheavals. Ask yourself if you are really
ready for this, or whether you feel too fragile to subject yourself to
all that pain all over again.
Also we suggest the best way to even deal with such a subject is to
have a professional handle it. Counseling for the both of you together
may be the best way to engage in this sort of highly emotional and volatile
discussion.
Also while you hardly mention your father, we think it would be beneficial
to include your father in the counseling because what he has done is
equally abusive although he did it in much more of a passive way. By
looking the other way and not standing up for his little girl, he reinforced
the idea that you deserved the punishment you were getting and what your
mom was saying about you was true.
If your mom and dad are not open to counseling or even discussing this matter,
or if you feel that you are not ready to open this can of worms, you may still
be able to monitor some sort of relationship between grandma and your children.
Monitor is the key word. If you feel your mom truly is a danger emotionally
and physically to your children, never leave them unsupervised with her. Always
be present and keep the visits short. At the first sign that something
is going awry, it is your responsibility to step in and remove the danger to
your children.
If you feel that you are not strong enough to stand up to your mother in protection
of your kids, then unfortunately we see no other solution but to keep
them apart. But be ready to explain to your children one day when they ask,
why is it that they have never met grandma.
No matter what, it seems that somewhere down the line, you have to get yourself ready
to deal with the issue of your childhood abuse. It seems that you have kept
it bottled up for a long time. You say you are married to a wonderful man.
Then we urge you to start, little by little, confiding in him this very
important part of your life. Unless there is total trust and understanding
between you two, it will be very difficult for him to cope with your behavior
with your mother and more importantly with your children in the future.
If that is not a viable option for you, we suggest that you get some personal
counseling of your own. As you say, you have the need now for the first time
in a long time, to overcome the shame associated with your past and talk about
it with someone. Follow your instincts. We believe talking about is the first
step on overcoming many lingering issues that are the product of your upbringing
and will result in a much more emotionally healthy life both for yourself and
your husband and with your relationship with your children.
Take care of yourself and do not hesitate to write to us again.
With much love,
Abjeez
*
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