March 29, 2004
iranian.com

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Question

* Especially against Jews

Hello Abjeez,

I am an American woman married to a generally wonderful Iranian man. We have been married for 8 years and have two little boys - one is 2 and the other is 2 months old. Our marriage is excellent in every way and I love my husband. He is hardworking, responsible, intelligent and gorgeous.

The problem that I am having with him is that he is blatantly racist, especially against Jewish people. For example, yesterday he said that Jewish people "have pointed ears" and are "evil".

I think that he was taught this anti-Jewish sentiment in schools in Iran. I am worried about his influence on our two children and am wondering what I can do about this situation. I have expressed my dismay at his attitude many times but he doesn't seem too receptive - this way of thinking seems to be quite deeply ingrained in his mind. Help!

Thanks,

Dismayed in Dallas

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Dismayed:

Unfortunately the scenario you describe is all too common. It BOGGLES the mind how otherwise very pleasant, sweet-natured generous and educated Iranian relatives/friends suddenly set aside all rationality and common sense when it comes to the Jewish religion.

And mind you, these are not the rabid anti-semites who parade around in Swastika flags or run hatred-filled websites. They are moms and dads, gramps and grannies, engineers, lawyers, doctors you name it.

The anti-semitism has been engrained in the Iranian culture so deeply that for many, it has become almost normal to use derogatory terms openly and with the self-righteous feeling of telling the truth.

You say you have engaged dialogue with your husband a few times about this and we commend you for calling him on his behavior so as to point out that it is unacceptable. You say that he seems non receptive, we don't really know what kind of tone you have used or the timing of your discussion.

In order to prevent him form brushing you off the next time, we suggest you set aside a time especially to discuss this topic.

Please keep calm so as not to let this degenerate into a fight. We suggest you focus the discussion not on changing him or his views (because he will become defensive) but focus more on the harm that will be caused to your children if they grow up around that state of mind.

Explain to him that not only you don't appreciate hearing any anti-semitic or racist comments about any race in your household, you also absolutely do not want your children to repeat it. Tell him that if it were not for overcoming stereotypes and prejudices, perhaps you two would not have joined your lives together.

Ask him if he would appreciate kids at school taunting your children based on the fact that they are of Iranian heritage, with all the negative connotations associated with this term in America due to the hostage crisis or more recently 9/11.'

The only way to break the cycle of racism is to educate our children not to have these negative attitudes because as everyone known, we are not born with prejudices but we learn them as we grow especially from our loved ones.

We wish you the best of luck,

Abjeez

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