August 22, 2004
iranian.com

Send us your questions and comments

Question

Heartbroken

Dear Abjeez,

I don't really know how to start this off, I haven't told anybody about these feelings that I have locked deep inside my heart. talking about it makes me feel stupid so I just keep it all inside and I feel like I cannot tell anyone because they would just laugh at me.

I went to Iran two summers ago with my family and it was just a vacation like any other, we went to have fun in Iran and see friends and family. It was a usual mehmooni and one of my mother's good friends came and she brought her son. I recognized him because I had seen him when I was 4 years old. but we despised each other, it was like we hated to look at one another, and I honestly don't know why, that was just how it was, and it was a normal thing. Anyways he was all grown up now and to me he was just like another guest there that night, we just said salam and that was it. A couple of days passed and we were all supposed to go to the park for a picnic. when I got there I noticed that he was there too, when I saw him everything was normal. but then we started talking and after that day my whole world changed.

That night I remember I couldn't fall asleep, he was all I could think about. this was sooo odd for me because I never even had feelings of friendship for him and now it was like I had fallen in love with him in an instant. After that we saw eachother a couple more times at mehmoonis and picnics, we would walk and talk for the entire time we were together. I would look forward to the next time I could see him. I had now developed feelings for him but I did not know if he also felt the same way.

My mother told me that his mother, her friend, had told her something that caught her off guard. she told my mother that I would be a good match for her son, my mother had no idea that this was even a thought for them. she told her friend that I was too young and would soon go to college and later find an American raised Iranian boy like myself and marry him. So after that there were no more of such talks and it was soon time for us to come back home. I remember the last time I saw him, I felt like I was being ripped away from my true love, but I couldn't say or do anything, because no one knew how I felt. not even him.

I remember crying on the flight back home, and when my mom would ask me why I was crying, I just told her that I didn't want to leave Iran. I couldn't tell anyone how I really felt. because I knew that if I told my mom she would just laugh at me and tell me that this was a silly crush and I would get over it. She didn't know that I hadn't felt strong feelings like this for anyone. I knew it wasn't a crush but what I didn't know was that I would develop stronger feelings once time passed.

I arrived home and he was all I could think about. I knew that this was not just a crush and I truly loved him, he was all that was in my mind day and night. Then I realized that no one knew I loved him, not even himself. he was in Iran and I was here, we were so far and I couldn't even call him or talk to him. The story gets way worse.

My mom was talking to her friend in Iran and seemed really happy, and then she told me that her friend's son had gotten engaged. I was in complete shock. my mom said that the girl was a girl that he barely knew. they just got engaged and that was it. I cried for hours that day and felt like my heart had been torn in half. There was nothing I could do, but I kept telling myself that there was a possibility that he would break off the engagement with this girl. Six months passed and I felt stronger feelings for him day by day. I kept trying to move on and forget about him but I couldn't, its like daste khodam nist. He got married last December. I feel heart broken and there is nothing I can do.

Looking back on all this I don't even know why it all happened. he was just another friend of my family. not even a personal friend for me. why did this have to happen to me? And why is it still hurting me two years later? I don't know what to do anymore. he is married. so is there any omid for my future? Can I be with him someday, I want him to love me just like I love him, because I feel like I cannot love anyone else. I have dated other guys just to try and get him off my mind but it doesn't work. All this makes me feel so pathetic because I didn't bring all this upon myself. destiny did and now I am the one who has to pay for it.

A Broken Heart

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Broken Heart:

Unrequited love has broken your heart and you are torturing yourself wondering what could have been if you had spoken up. All this self-torture is destructive and unproductive because the object of your affection is a married man and although you say he barely knew the girl he got engaged to and then married, you of all people should understand that love can strike you like lightning and does not necessarily leave a lot of time.

Yes you have to put him out of your mind and wishing that somehow his marriage breaks off so you two can be together is not only mean spirited, it is hardly realistic as you don't even know to this day how he felt about you. Remember, he also had the choice to speak out and like you, he remained silent. This could simply be because he was not in fact in love with you. Don't pay too much attention to Iranian mothers talking about good match, this is something pretty common among parents to say and does not mean that he was hinting at you that he likes you more than a friend.

Also, dating other guys simply as a means to get over him is pointless and unfair not only to them but to yourself. If you ever want to move on, you have to keep an open mind and accept the reality that he was not the one meant for you but there is someone out there who is. Stop comparing the real flesh and blood people around you with this phantom man from your past but try to see them for who they are. Don't ruin your chances at true love because you are holding on to a fantasy ideal man. It is easy to hold on to that love because you never really explored it and you kept at a safe distance, so he always remains this pure ideal in your mind.

If after two years you still have not gotten over him, you have to realize that this is your choice. You are keeping the pain alive by constantly wallowing in your memories instead of trying to free yourself from its chains. Perhaps the fact that you have kept it bottled up and not talked about it to anyone is one factor preventing you from moving on. If you fear your mom will not understand we are certain that you can confide in peers of your own age and experience who will lend a sympathetic ear. It may be the first step in you regaining your own life and future instead of living in the past.

Our best to you,

Abjeez

* *

ALSO
Abjeez
Latest
advice

Other advice columns

Legal Ali
latest

Qanoon
discontinued legal column

Horoscope
magical astrology

Kobra Khanom
discontinued advice column

Book of the day
mage.com

Crowning Anguish
Taj al-Saltana, Memoirs of a Persian Princess 1884-1914
edited by Abbas Amanat