August 28, 2004
iranian.com

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Question

Iranian men: Mama Boys?

Dear Abjeez,

I am writing you this letter to discuss my experience with Ma Ma Boys. My question to you is why Iranian/Iranian-American men are Mama Boys????

Do not get me wrong I am not one of those women that say my significant other should not have any relationship with his mama but their should be a psychological and emotional boundary between mother and son relationship. However this healthy boundary does not exist.

Instead, I see too many enmeshed mother and son relationships right here in Northern California, USA. I see within the the Iranian-American community too many divorces and breakups not because of abuse/unfaithfulness but because of unhealthy mother and son relationships.

I have seen in the Iranian American community that the underlying reasons for divorces/breakups are as follows.

(1). The father is dead and the mother turns to the son as substitute husband. The son has basically become his mother's husband and codependency exists between them. The son is psychologically and emotionally codependent on the mother. As a result, his mother takes priority over his significant other, and the rest is history.

(2). The father works too many hours and the son becomes substitute husband and assumes the role of his mother's companian. Again, we see lots of problems when the son wants to form a relationship of his own. The question is for the young lady is how to deal with the jealous mother that may call her effree-teh.

For example take my friend Farnoosh. She is thirty years old and a couple years ago she met the man of her dreams, Habib. Farnoosh was in love and they got married after six months of dating. However, there was something not quite right with the relationship that existed between Habib and his mother. It seemed like Habib's mother did not like/approve of his son's marriage. She did every malicious thing possible to break the marriage and torment poor Farnoosh.

Indeed, Habib's mother succeed not only with breaking up Habib's marriage but her eldest son Houman (after fourteen years), Hessam (after five years) and Hossein (after three years). If you talk to Habib's mom, she claims that she is innocent and all the women that her sons ever dated/married are crazy!!! Nowadays Habib and all three brothers live happily with mother in their late 40s.

I realize that the above is an extreme case, but why are Iranian/Iranian-American men are never learned to form healthy psychological/emotional relationships with their mothers.

Em

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Em:

We would venture to say that the real blame for a break up of a marriage does not lie with an interfering mother, whether it is the mother of the bride or the groom but the people themselves. It is easier to target a third party as the cause of the marital woes especially if it is an in-law. However you have to realize that it takes 2 to tango. An interfering mom can only do so if the child is willing to let her interfere in his/her life. And if that child chooses to put his or her parent above his/her spouse and own children.

That being said, you certainly make a valid point that in families where the father has died or is otherwise absent, there often develops a substitute role between the lonely mom and her son. This in addition to the Iranian culture of worshipping the male heir (how many times have we heard people muttering about when so and so couple, who have daughters, will be blessed with a son?) can lead to the symptoms you describe as "being a Mama's Boy." Of course on the other hand, for every Mama's Boy, there is a Daddy's Little Princess let us not forget that.

There is no real cure for this situation other than trying not to repeat the same mistakes our parents made with us with our own children rather strike a good balance between giving love, support warmth and affection and on the other hand teach them to become independent and live their own lives after a certain point.

By the way, I am sure your friend did not discover overnight that her husband is, in your words, a Mama's Boy. Ignoring signs of problematic behavior during a courtship and agreeing to marry that person despite these faults are a sure way to lead to a break-up. We suggest that your friend look out fand recognize early on negative signs so that she does not end up in the same situation.

Sincerely,

Abjeez

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