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August 9, 2004
iranian.com

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Question

Arranged marriages

Dear Abjeez,

I know that as Iranian women brought up outside Iran , you must think the practice of arranged marriage outdated or extinct but in Iran, it really is not. Not all Iranian women hate it. For example, I do not think it is a bad thing necessarily. I want to shatter your stereotype. I come from a very good family background. I am educated and have attended college in Canada and Germany. I am not backward or primitive.

Recently an Iranian-American man has asked for my hand in marriage, and my parents are pushing me to accept his offer even though I have never met him. I actually understand their concerns and point of view. They want me to be taken care of in this unstable world, to have no financial worries and marry a man who has deep family values and whose family they have known for generations.

But I want to be in love too.

They say that I will grow to love him but I wonder what happens if I don't?

Of course the offer is tempting as I do not have anyone special in my life and I don't know if I will ever meet that person. I don't want to let go of this man who may make me very happy indeed and grow an old torshideh.

The reason why I write to you is because I want to ask your point of view whether it is possible to grow to love someone. JM

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear J.M.,

We are sorry if we have ever given you the impression that we think Iranian customs and traditions primitive and backward or we think in terms of stereotypes about Iranian persons living in Iran. We truly do not feel that way and we have many a times encouraged young persons searching for that special person to let their family introduce them, because you never know how love will find its path to your door.

But introductions or matchmaking and arranged marriages are two different things. While we do not think there is anything wrong with the practice of introducing two persons within the context of family and with the goal of a long term commitment, marrying someone one has never met or spoken to is radically different.

To marry someone is not only to love them but also to become a life partner. You will support each other in life's up and down. You will be each other's first confidant. You have to have trust with each other.

And not only do you have to love them, but also it is helpful to like them! That is, compatibility, which is most often found when two people share at least certain interests and characteristics, is very important for a long lasting marriage.

Without communication, we just think it would be very hard to find common ground, find out if you like each other or love each other and whether you are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person.

We have always firmly believed marriage is a commitment not to be taken lightly and it is a life commitment. So, if you are engaging in marriage simply because of family pressure, or because you don't want to waste a good opportunity, as if you were playing on the stock market, these are not very valid reasons and unfair not only to yourself but your prospective spouse.

We encourage you to get know this person not only through telephone conversations and long distance mail courtship but also to see each other in person. Not only should he come to your country and spend some time with you in person and with your family and friends, but also you should go to his country for a visit (with a chaperone if needs be) to get to know him as well.

That way, neither party is in for a nasty surprise when the I do's have already been spoken and you find out that you can't stand this person or that you are not attracted to each other or you have nothing in common that would provide the most fragile foundation for the love to grow at a later time.

Our best,

Abjeez

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