July 12, 2004
iranian.com

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* How do I let go?

Dear Abjeez,

Dear Abjeez, I am writing to you hoping that you won't give me just another cliché answer such as there are a lot of fish in the sea or it was never meant to be etc. My problem is trying but not succeeding in letting go of my first love.

Let me tell you a little bit about my background. I never was a person to date much. I was active in sports, music, clubs, and academics and any free time I had I would love to spend with my family and friends just hanging out. Among my friends were guy friends too but never anything more.

Last year, I went to university. And for the first time I met someone that I actually started developing feelings for. This was my only and longest relationship. S. and I met believe it or not on the first day of university, at our freshman orientation session. It wasn't a week before he asked me out and soon we were inseparable. Everything went on such a fast pace but it felt right.

We started to become known as the couple, taking the same classes (I switched into some of his and he into some of mine), going to the gym together, going to parties together. I'd spend nights in his room, and we would play CDs, drink wine and play backgammon, or play video games until we were both beat tired.

After the end of the school year, S. went back to his hometown for the summer. Everytime I would call him, he was on his way out to drink with his buddies or his mom was calling him for dinner, or he had to play B-ball with his brother, any excuse not to spend more than a few seconds on the phone with me. Every time I logged on the Internet, he would be online but I noticed after a short time, he said he had to go.

After one month of this, I was so hurt, I called him up in a fit of anger, and I broke up with him. After all he has done to distance himself from me, he was acting all surprised as if I have suddenly become mad and am imagining things. But he did not lift a finger or say one word to dissuade me from breaking up. So I think in his heart he was probably relieved.

It has been one month since we broke up and I still sit here and wonder what happened after we were stuck at the hip for about 9 months. It really sucks. After about a week of crying, I pulled myself together and am living to tell about it. But the hurt is still there. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of him or how I could have made things better. He's my first love and I always will love him.

Have I moved on? No, I just don't want to. Have I let go? No. I still call him up and email him when I read something funny in the newspaper that I think he will get a kick out of, or simply to see how he's doing. Whenever I meet some guy that my friends want to set me up with, I always automatically compare him to S. In short, my life is still consumed with him, if not more than before and I don't see the end of the tunnel. So if you have some magical antidote to the way I am feeling, tell me, how can you let go of your first love?

Tina

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear Tina,

There is simply no magic to letting go of your first (or second, or third...) love. It all resides in your mind, you are the one who can pull this magical act, by the sheer strength of your willpower. Of course, time is also the greatest contributor. It is way too soon, after one month, to think about dating again so we do not encourage you to jump into another relationship without having healed from the hurt and pain of this break-up. But the more time passes, the more healed you will feel because you are putting distance between yourself and the event that has caused you such pain.

We think the intensity of your pain is increased because of the type of relationship you had, doing everything under the sun and moon together and then an abrupt cold-shoulder from the man you believed loved you as much as you loved him. We seriously advise you to take things much much slower in the future and recognize that true love does not wane when it is taken from one context to another. Here, the love you had did not resist one month of being in a different environment so it probably was not deeply rooted.

You have to remember that in this age group, it is difficult to enter and sustain a commitment. Your guy probably realized that he wants to be more free and independent and the fact that you kept calling and emailing instead of giving him room to breathe probably drove him farther away.

We noticed that you said you were very involved in sports and arts activities as well as family and friends before your relationship. To throw yourself back into those activities, even if you have to force yourself, will bring back a sense of normalcy in your life as well as reminding you that you are your own individual person and not simply defined as somebody else's girlfriend so perhaps this will help you in the process of letting go.

To keep calling and emailing your ex now, when he has made it clear he wants to be distant, will only waste any emotional progress you have made towards letting go so you have to force yourself to be strong and not pick up that phone or type that email. Every time you feel that urge, take yourself out of that situation and instead email or call one of your friends.

Best of luck,

Abjeez

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