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July 16, 2004 Send us your questions and comments Question * Leave us alone -- forever Dear Abjeez, Let me begin by saying that I am not an Iranian, but my wife was. I met the love of my life while attending university. When I first met her I was shocked to see that someone from Iran could be so kind and gentle and beautiful. Before I met her I had never met an Iranian, I only knew what was on television. I guess that I expected that Iranians had horns on their heads and carried pitchf forks. When I met M., I had to confront my own predjudices for the first time. We dated for a long time and finally got married. We had a wonderful, satisfying and loving relationship. She blessed me with a daughter. We named her H.M. and she brought us so much joy. We were finally a real family. Then on a routine visit to the doctor a mass was discovered in her breast. She underwent very aggessive treatment, but it was too late as it had spead too far. M. passed away. During our time together her mother and father were not good with her. Her father especially went out of his way to insult her repeatly about her choice of a husband although they attended the wedding before which I converted to Islam. I ignored their insults, but it hurt M. alot. Her parents both have Green Cards, and went back and forth dividing their time between Iran and California during the time we were married. When M. got sick, they moved and took an apartment in New York to be near her. After M. passed away, as a gesture of respect for them and because my wife loved Iran, I let them take her home for burial even though I could not get a visa to go myself. I didn't hear from them until four months ago, not a single word to me or their granddaughter. I was devestated by the loss of my wife and still am. I sometimes don't know how I pull myself together to keep working, but I must because I have a child that needs me to keep from falling apart. Although it has been nearly two years, I still feel so alone. I am surrounded by people daily, but I feel I'm in solitary confinement. The only time I am at peace are those times in my sleep when I see my sweet darling azizam. I have never even washed her pillow case because for a while I could still smell her, but even that is gone now. There is nothing of her left of her except our little H.M. I am a wreck on the inside, but I have been a good and responsible father. Four months ago, my in-laws popped back into me and H.M.'s life. They began pushing the idea that H.M. needed an Iranian mother to care for her. I told them politely that I wasn't interested in having a wife, but that if that time ever came I could find one on my own. They would not stop, they called me often to tell me that they had found the perfect woman for me. She was educated, she spoke English well, she was Iranian and she was a cousin of my wife's. They sent her picture to me. They had her write to me. They just would not listen when I said no. Finally, I told them that I wanted them to stop harrassing me. I told
them to leave me and H.M. alone. I let them know that this was my daughter
not theirs. This only enraged them. Two months ago, they returned to
New York. They call everyday. I have let them see H.M., but I stopped
the visits when they began telling her things like daddy won't let
you have a new mommy. Tell daddy you want an Iranian mommy. Grandma
has a sweet Iranian mommy for you. When I was told about this I flew into a rage. I called them and told them that they will never see my child again. They told me that perhaps, not today, or tomorrow, but soon, very soon they would get H.M. from me and take her to Iran and I would be the one who would never see her. My mother-in-law seems totally irrational and out of control. She sometimes calls H.M. by her mother's name. She screams that H.M. is Iranian and belongs with them. They won't accept that I refuse the compromise wife they've chosen for me. My mother-in-law screams that no American whore is going to raise "our" baby. I know that they have lost much. I know their pain it unbearable. But, H.M. and I have lost our anchor in life. All we have is each other. This little girl is all I will ever have of my sweet M. as long as I live. When I look in H.M.'s little face, I see the loveliness of her mother, her softness and gentleness. I will not let these people get between me and my child, ever. I will do whatever is necessary to protect my child from these people. They were not kind to me or my wife when she was alive. I owe them nothing. They are dead to me and my daughter as far as I' concerned. This is my right as a father to decide. I want you to tell me how to make clear to these people, your people, that they must leave me and H.M. alone forever. They will not steal my child from me and my child will be raised by an American father in an American home whether they like it or not. H.M. is not now and never has been Iranian, just because her mother was. I am at the end of my rope. Much more pressure and I will snap. They mustn't push me any further. If there is to be violence and bloodshed, it is in their hands, not mine. What do I say to make myself clear to them? Suffering still
Abjeez write: Dear Suffering Still, This is a heartwrenching story. We are so sorry for your loss, and more sorry for the pain you continue to suffer, and which your in-laws have worsened. Of course, it is absolutely your right as a father to raise your child as you see fit. In fact, you now have to be both father and mother to H.M. But remember that it is a shame that you let your (very rightful) anger at your in-laws prevent you from teaching your daughter about her Iranian heritage. You yourself have said that her mom loved Iran and even wished to be buried there. And you have a wonderful opportunity to keep the memory of her mom alive by teaching your daughter all that you yourself learned from loving and marrying an Iranian woman. Regarding your relationship with your in-laws, we have always said that a destructive force in your life, especially one that threatens the well-being of your child, has to be kept away no matter if that destructive force is called mom, dad, sister, brother, or grandma and grandpa. Of course we have heard only your side of the story and I am sure there are a lot of anger and resentment on their side if they have felt you have purposefully cut them out of their granddaughter's life. But assuming all the facts in your letter are true, then as a parent, you are certainly in your right to cut off contact with these in-laws especially given that they have implied by their violent actions they may kidnap your daughter to raise her back in Iran. You may ask the courts to enforce a restraining order or simply move away without letting your in-laws know of your whereabouts if you feel the danger of losing your daughter is imminent.
We wish you the best of luck iny our future and please do not hesitate to write us again Sincerely,
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