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June 7, 2004
iranian.com
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Question
* Luck knocks once?
I would like to thank you for your wise answers to people's problems
and
really enjoy reading your column. I hope you can help me too.
I am a
34-year-old single woman who is in search of her life partner. At this
point of
my life, I believe I am ready for starting my own family. But it seems,
I do
not have any luck finding a right person. I am attractive, educated
and independent. I was always afraid of commitment and never want to
get
married. I started counseling last year and I believed I get rid of my
fears. I met a great guy three years ago but I let him go since I was
not
ready for commitment. Now, I think I lost my chances and would never
meet
the guy who's compatible with me.
SO, I was wondering is it true that "luck
will knock on your door once" (bakhet yek bar dar mizaneh)? I do
not want to
believe in that but it's been two years that I have had no luck in love.
I desperately need your advice. Wondering
 Reply
Abjeez write:
Dear Wondering:
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your dilemma with us.
It can become frustrating when we go on a series of dates with men who
are either incompatible or not ready for commitment and it could
cause us the generalize that all men are like this, and that
we will end up alone. Actually, many of the letters we recieve are from
men who feel the exact same way about finding the right woman. So it
may help you to know that this is not a phenomenon that you are experience
alone.
You may feel that you let the previous boyfriend "get away" because
of your fear of commitment but that doesn't mean that "luck only
knocks once at your door". At the time, you were not
ready for a commitment so rather than forcing yourself into a relationship
that you were not ready for, and hurting both yourself and him in the
process, you chose to move on. Finding your life partner will not have
to do only with luck, but also with how prepared and open you are when
he does come along.
The universal question being: when is he going to come along?
Of course noone, not even abjeez, can predict the answer. All we can
advise you is to do certain things that may make that meeting more likely
to happen.
If you are feeling discouraged right now because as you say you have
not found love in two years, you have to reevaluate your social life.
We don't know if this two year bad spell is the result of too many bad
dates, or the result of no dates at all. We also don't know if you primarily
meet potential dates at work, at the gym, at the bar, or through more
traditional family arranged meetings.
We always say that if you are looking for a certain caliber of a man,
you have to also look in the right places. For example if
you are looking for a quiet, homebody, academic type, it is
less likely you will find him hanging from the ceiling doing body shots
at the Viper Room. The better caliber of people you surround
yourself with the more likely it is that you will find someone who appeals
to you on all levels.
If you have no luck in love for the past two years, it may help to
change something to the way you normally go about dating. To a certain
extent it is good to take risks or be open to things you have categorically
refused in the past. For example, if you are very independent and modern,
you may have balked at your family arranging for you to meet someone.
But why don't you give them a chance? What is the worse that could happen?
And just think they are probably the ones who know you best so what better
matchmakers would there be?
Another example is if you are always waiting for someone to introduce
you to a date, you may want to rethink and take more of an initiative
yourself. Whatever your interests are, whether they are reading, or cooking
, or hiking, or 18th century French philosophy, there are other people
out there who share your interests and this could be a great point to
start. There are myriads of clubs, classes, and volunteer organizations
that you can join where you will meet people who share these interests
with you and potentially more.
Also keep in mind that just because you are now ready to settle down
and start a family this is not the good way to open a topic of conversation
on your first date. You have to let things develop naturally and if both
of you over time find that you love each other and you also want the
same things at this point in your lives then proceed to marriage and
family. Don't try to find someone solely because you are desperate to be
in a marriage and have kids, that will ultimately blow up in your face
nad will probably turn off your date early on.
 Most of all your attitude will be important in whether you can meet
fall in love etc Negative reinforcement is the worst thing you can do
right now so just like bad habit, every time you tell yourself that you
will end up alone and that chance has knocked at your door and left forever,
stop yourself immediately.
Don't let in any emptiness in your life, concentrate on your work, family
and friends and on developing hobbies and interests of your own instead of putting
your life on hold until that elusive soulmate walks in and sweeps you off your
feet. Success, self-confidence and happiness are the true inner qualities
that will make you shine and attract the mate that you desire.
Wishing you best of luck,
Abjeez
*
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