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June 14, 2004 Send us your questions and comments Question * He just stopped calling Dear Abjeez, I wanted to share my story with you and others because I often read your column and they have really helped me at different times in my life. I was seeing this guy for over a year. We were friends first then it evolved into more and we had even talked marriage when he had to move away temporarily for his medical school. He was supposed to be coming back to visit and I do the same so I thought it wouldn't be so hard on us, especially since we really love each other. The last time he was supposed to come to visit was Memorial Day Weekend and at the last minute he emailed me and told me something has come up in his studies and he can't make it. I was hurt that he left an email because I was really looking forward to the week-end and I had planned many activities with our friends and also romantic stuff just the two of us. I called him at his dorm and he did not pick up. I called him on his cell and he did not pick up. I continued calling until finally he picked up. I could hear background noise like he was at a coffee shop or restaurant because there were people talking. But he told me he is at the library and studying. Anyways my mind was racing because ever since he moved away of course he told me that he met some new people. And there is always one name, one female name that comes up in conversations, like mentioning he had coffee with her, or they were at the beach etc. I asked him about her. He told me they were friends. He made it more than clear that they were only friends. Anyways, I was really invested in this guy but I also have my pride.
I decided not to call him afterwards and see what happens. Well, ever
since Memorial Week-End he has just out and out stopped calling. One
year relationship and it is all done and he did not have even the courtesy
of a break-up talk! Just stopped calling.
Abjeez write: Dear Sepideh, This story goes to show you, beware of the illness called "mentionitis." I think it was first coined in the popular Bridget Jones series. It is when a guy (or a girl) keeps mentioning the name of a "friend" of the opposite sex again and again, more than he/she would any other friend. Just like you said, as in "Did I mention the funny thing so and so told me last night?" and "I was mentioning it to so and so and so and so and she agreed with my point of view" etc. Especially in a long distance context, you were right to have alarm flags go up when it seems that he is spending so much time with this girl, more than he talks to you. And to cancel your vacation plans at the last minute with an email definitely shows a lack of consideration on his part. In short, this guy had already checked out of the relationship by then it is safe to say, which is why he also has not bothered to pick up the phone afterwards. We are talking about someone who is very self-centered because he was in a seemingly serious relationship with you over a year and there was a talk of marriage and yet he did not have the courtesy to spare your feelings or ease the blow of breaking up. What's more you started out as friends so this shows he did not even value your friendship which may have had a chance of surviving in the future if he had at least made an effort to part on civil terms. Just be glad that he showed his true character to you early on. Imagine if you had found this out as his wife, during the first business trip he ever took from the marriage. Long distance is a good test of the strength of a relationship, if this was meant to be, you could have both survived it. We do not suggest you pick up the telephone at this point because it would only confirm to you what you already know. Just get on with your life and concentrate on other aspects of your life, family, friends, school, work, hobbies anything to keep you busy during the time that you are healing from this break-up so that you do not become weak enough to give him a call. Thank you for sharing your story with us and with others. We wish you the best of luck.
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