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November 24, 2004

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She loves me, she loves me not

I never thought I would email you, but here I am. To make it simple it's a love story as usual. I am a 24-year-old college student who has just simply fallen in love with this 21-year-old college student. Now, she lives away in the U.S. West Coast as I am still in North East. It started as friendship and nothing more, but in my heart I knew she is the one I have been searching for. She would tell me how much she loved me as I just remained silent.

Ironically, when she calls, she sill doesn't deny her feeling for me. A while ago I finally told her what was inside. The fact is she loves me when I am madly in love with her beyond imagination. Some of my family members live in California, so I have decided to visit them for the holidays and to see her again, even though she resides in another town. 

First, she was very happy, but I soon realized she doesn't want me to see her. She always talks about how much she cares for me, but when I try to show some affection in return it seems she doesn't really care. Last week I asked her if she really rejects my love. She said no she loves me back, but she also added I better find someone better than her since she doesn't deserve me, and it's for my best not to see her.

Finally, I agreed with her and canceled my plans, but then she questioned me; she asked why I never disagree with her and always listen to her arguments. I guess she wants me to stand up for her love and do what I have to do regardless of what she says, yet I argued I could not force her since I respected her decisions.

I am very confused right now. She knows how important she is in my life, but I am still looking for that missing link.

NY College Boy


ABJEE FOTTI WRITES: No wonder you are so confused. The girl you love tells you she loves you, then that she does not want to see you, then the next minute turns around again and asks you why you agreed to her wish.

We are as clueless as you are about what would be the reason behind her changing moods. In our opinion, it takes vast courage to openly show and express your feelings, which you have done in this case. You are willing to take a risk despite the long distance relationship involved.

The fact that she says she doesn't deserve you is puzzling. Maybe it shows some inner feelings of guilt. Perhaps she is dating someone and she does not really want to get involved in a serious relationship due to the long distance involved.

You also have to consider her age. She is 21 and while you may feel she is the one you have been searching for, she may feel not ready to commit to you. Maybe that is what she means by she doesn't "deserve" you.

We don't feel you did anything wrong by canceling your plans if she truly stated that she does not wish to see you.  If you are going to fly across the world, you better make sure the person you are visiting really wants to see you.  For her to now turn around and ask why you listened to her is not fair to you. You were trying to abide by her wishes.

If she is giving some sort of test, to see how much you are willing to stand up for your love, the fact that you have expressed your love for her should be testament enough of your convictions. Speaking up and risking rejection IS standing up for your love.

ABJEE PARI WRITES: Of course, all of this is based on what you have told us in your letter. There are always two sides to the story. You have admitted that you stayed silent for a long time after she had expressed her love for you. Maybe you took the right step, but you took it too late. That is, you waited too long before admitting your lvoe and now she has moved on.

Of course, it makes you question how strong that love was in the first place is it was so easy to move on. But as Fotti says, she is only 21 and you yourself are onyl 24 and a college student. We know it does not take old age to know what love really is. But perhaps it is worth the time to explore what your true feelings are for this girl.

What made you hesitate so long before reciprocating her feelings? And what motivated you to finally express your feelings? Is it because you felt she was slipping away and you wanted to hold on to her? Maybe that would explain her questioning her about the strength of your feelings. In any case, if you are still planning to visit your family members in California, you could do that and let her know. Give her the option for her to come visit you in your town.

If and when you see each other, instead of great proclamations of undying love, perhaps it would be better to see whether your friendship still exists, and if based on that, there are any romantic possibilities between the two of you. Take it slow.

Our best,


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