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October 2, 2004 Send us your questions and comments Question Why is she acting different? Dear Abjeez, I am an Iranian-American teen-aged boy who has concerns about dating a girl outside my ethnicity. My concerns include both sets of parents disapproving. I don't want to be put in a position to lie to my parents but I don't want to give up my relationship either. Another concern is that in the short time we have been "dating", my school work is lagging behind because of all the time spent chatting with her. A third concern is that she is more experienced than me sexually and I am nervous/shy around her. Lately, I am getting upset at her because she seems distracted. I had a rude reaction and ever since then, there is tension between us, even though I have tried to apologize. I have not been able to concentrate since. An accurate description of my situation would be: 'High School Drama.' This is new to me and I'm already a very emotional, sensitive, and passionate person, so things like this really get to me. I think that I may not be ready for this kind of relationship, but at the same time, I want a girlfriend and I like this girl, I'm attracted to her mentally and physically; we have great conversation and I also think she's very pretty, which may be shallow, but I don't think it's wrong if a person's physical appearance plays a role in a relationship as long as it's not the primary one (I think the relationship won't work if there is little or no physical attraction). Now the questions. -- Why is she acting different, should I give her time, space, what?
Did her feelings towards me change or is she feeling the pressures of
school like me
or maybe it was just because it was the day after she was still a little upset
and she'll get over it? I don't want to break up with her, I have known her for almost three years now but only for a short period of time were we very close, during the other periods of time, I never had the courage to ask her out because I wasn't sure if she liked me or which I later found out she did through my friend. Finally she told my best friend that she liked me and he asked me if I liked her and I said yes, so I asked her out and she said yes. My senior-year of high school has just begun and I must prepare for the upcoming SAT I and IIs that I'll be taking in several weeks. In addition to this, I have to decide where I'm going to apply to college, and what I'm going to do with my life. -- I want to continue with her, but is it right and is it possible
considering the way she's acting? I don't know what to do, I feel overwhelmed. I need to get straight A's and do well on my SATs but this is the first year that all of my classes are AP or college-level and the workload is more than im used to. I could do it because I enjoy learning. I read Attar and Rumi every night before bed. I used to read everyday, it was my passion. I used to go to the gym everyday and to martial arts everyday. But since school and this relationship started, I feel just as I do every year that school takes over my life, and I'm no longer learning as I love to, but I'm simply trying to get the work done and my mind goes to other things to preoccupy me. I know what I must do, I have to study everyday, and I know how to do it. All that's left is to do it. But no matter how many times I say this, I find it excruciatingly difficult to do it. In addition to this, my father had made his living in the US over the past 20years, and he has finally become financially secure, after all the years of struggling and working 7days a week for most of each day. He's finally made it and now he wants to provide for his only son's education, automobile, etc. I try to explain to him that I don't want all this. I want to make it on my own, like him. But he doesn't understand, he says he does, but later he asks why over certain things I make a big deal. It's because I want to follow my principles. And I believe that it is not right for a parent to pay for everything of a child. The child should take initiative and learn to be independent and hardworking. nfortunately, my parents never forced me to do these things
as a child and because I got straight A's they had no problem with me until
middle school where I started to slip. Basically I'm confused and overwhelmed…I want to know how to keep
my girl friend and for both her and I to be happy and successful with our schoolwork
and collegework, for me to participate in my extracurricular activities and have
time for my reading and things im passionate about. This is what I want, but
if you think that you could help me please send me back as much feedback as you
can - As soon as possible PLEASE!!!!
Abjeez write: Dear Reader: Let's try to deal with the issues one by one. About your concerns dating outside your ethnicity: If you like this girl and she likes you too and the different ethnicities do not matter to you, you should not let others, including your parents, force you to "break-up" simply based on different ethnicity. Older generations may have their prejudices and stereotypes against other races and nationalities but it is up to you to stand up and break this cycle. Especially if it means your happiness. I would never suggest that you lie to your parents. I would suggest that you be open with them about your feelings. After all, they may surprise you with a positive reaction. Give them some credit. This is a girl your age, that you have been friends with for years and now you are developing romantic feelings for her. You are dating, which is what teen-agers do. You are old enough to date therefore you are old enough to stand up for the person you are dating. About your concerns that your social life is making you lag behind on your studies. Yes this is a reality that will be there all your life, whether you are studying or working. You need to have a healthy social life and also make time for your studies. One does not cancel out the other. The key is to strike a balance. For example, it would be a good idea to set up study dates during the week therefore you get to spend time together but also work on your school grades. If you have the SATs coming up or any important exam, you have to devote more time to your studies. This does not mean you have to break up. You both have to be flexible with your schedules. They key is willingness of both of you to compromise. About your fights. Well no relationship is without its fights. Fighting or rather arguing is not a sign that the relationship is doomed. It is how you deal with the arguments that make or break it. If you have done something rude, it is a good idea to apologize. If after apologizing your girlfriend still seems distant, you have to read the signs and give her the room to cool off before you can go back to being "like before." A cooling off period is very important in order to digest the argument and the accompanying hurt feelings that go with it. If you keep crowding her and pressuring her to be all cheerful and smiley like before , it is inconsiderate. Let her come around in her own time. If not, if she wants to break up with you, you have no other choice but to accept that. You cannot force your feelings onto other people, and you should respect their wishes. Regarding sexual feelings and acts in the relationship, you naturally feel nervous number one because you are a teen-aged boy, number two because she is more experienced than you. As long as both of you can respect each others' boundaries and do not pressure each other to engage in acts that make you uncomfortable, you should just let things develop naturally. Remember, there is no clock ticking telling you to have sex with your girlfriend. If you are comfortable with hugging and kissing, then leave it at that. A good measure of whether or not you are ready to go on to the next level is whether you have doubts. If you have doubts, you are not ready. Your general questions about what women want simply cannot be answered. Getting your answers from a magazine will most likely backfire. We would suggest that being yourself is always the right choice because you want someone to like you and accept you for who you are not for taking on some role that you have to keep up. In general, we would suggest that you take a few steps back, take a deep breath, and EXHALE. You seem to be an outstanding young man, ready and with a plan for the future. Relax. You are a teen-ager for now. You should stop and smell the roses, not over-analyze every step that you take. Let things flow more naturally and you will become happier as a result. You are getting good grades and with studying you can maintain your grades and do well enough on your SATs to get into the college that you want. It is very commendable that you appreciate the sacrifices and hard work your parents have gone through and you want to emulate them by paying your own way. You can for example get a part time job that will help you pay for your college studies. But on the other hand, do not feel as though you have to reject the helping hand of your family. As long as you appreciate it, and you do not take advantage of them, it is equally joyful for your parents to be able to help you out with things that they may have gone without in their youth. Do not take away that satisfaction from them. We wish you the best for the future,
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