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October 28, 2004 Send us your questions and comments Question I'm dying. Should I tell my wife? Dear Abjeez, I am an American man who has spent many past years married to a wondeful Iranian lady. We have two grown daughters that have made us proud and who have relished in the beauty that both of their two very different cultures have given them. My children are strong and proud Iranian Americans and they have and will always bring their mother comfort and love because they know her culture, language and heart well, as they know mine. Having said this about my children, I am the one who has always been the strong one for my wife. My wife is a tender hearted woman. She has devoted her life to me and she has made me very happy. She loved me when my pockets were empty and for that I will never stop loving her. My pockets are no longer empty, however, and that gives me comfort knowing what I know and what my wife does not. I have provided well for my family over the years and I have always tried to protect my sweet, innocent wife from the harshness that the world often dishes out. She has thived in our family life and she has loved me as no other woman could have possibly done. Long ago she gave me her heart, her body and her soul and she never took them back. I laugh now when I think back to the first time I met her. She could barely put three words of English together. She was so lovely though that she captured my heart instantly. Since the first day I met her, my heart has not been my own for she has held the entire time. Soon, my darling wife will be faced with a harsh reality of life that I will not be able to shield her from. She is such a soft and emotional woman and I know that what is coming will just about kill her... and I do not know the best way to prepare her for it. Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with inoperable terminal lung cancer. I have been a smoker for many years and my wife has begged me until she was blue in the face to stop. I guess I will stop soon, but not quite the way she had in mind. My daughters are in their late twenties. They are strong and proud and passionately American and Persian at the same time. I told them a few days ago of my condition. I told them that the doctor has given me about 4-6 months. I told them not to tell their mother about this. I made them swear that they would keep silent. My older daughter agrees with me that her mother is simply too fragile emotionally to deal with such a shock and to watch me slowly waste away.
I want to spare my wife as much of this agony as I can. I want my elder daughter to take her to Iran next month for a long family visit. She says that she will do this. My younger child will stay and provide me with what comfort she can. If all goes according to plan, I may be able to sheild my wife from the grim reality of watching me waste away day by day. She will eventually know the truth, but I want to spare her from as much pain as possible. The doctor has told me that the end will be horrific. I have loved this lady too long and too strong to want her to watch me disintergrate before her eyes. I am the only man she has ever known or has ever loved. I feel that the only way for me now to show her just what she has meant to me all these years is if I can hide this from her until I pass away. Neither she nor my children will ever have any financial problems. I have been fortunate to have had success in business. While I am not the best man in the world, I am the only man who has ever loved this wonderful Iranian lady and I am lucky beyond the stars that she loved me. I only want to do right by her now. Should I do what I think is best and protect her or should I do what my younger child wants me to do... and tell her? She is going to be hurt either way, I just want to minimize her anguish. Thank you, Simply Anonymous
Abjeez write: Although this decision is highly personal and it is up to you to decide what to do, we would tend, based on the information provided in your letter, to agree with your younger child and to tell your wife ahead of time. Please understand you will not prevent her fromn experiencing grief, you will merely delay it and on top of it, she will have to deal with feelings of shock and probably anger at you because you have hidden something so important from her, even if it was with the best of intentions. If you have been as close and loving as you have been, she needs the time to spend with you and cherish every last moment instead of being sent far away with no inkling that this may have been the last time she has seen you. You would be denying her the process of grieving together, accepting the harsh relaity and getting some closure (the chance to say goodbye and to say all the things that have been left unsaid). Most importantly, she will feel that at the very least she is helping you, giving you the love and comfort that she can in your time of need.
We send you our sincerest wishes for the strength to make the right decision for both of you,
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