September 13, 2004
iranian.com

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Question

I'm sexually depraved!

Dear Abjeez,

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. But I'm in such an emotional rut right now, and really, you are the only ones who I can confide. But I have a feeling that after I finish writing this, my problem isn't going to seem as big as I feel it is.

I'm a 23 year-old girl currently living in Iran. I've been here for about 6 years now. I basically grew up in Toronto and so, I've got some very Western ways of thinking, yet at the same time, I'm very Iranian. And I'm sure many young Iranians having lived in this double culture kind of situation know that this is not always easy.

Let me just get straight to my problem. Abjeez, I'm sexually depraved! I've grown up in a family where despite my parents being open-minded, I've always felt that I've had to hide my sexual desires. Is it just me or did that last statement sound perverted? I mean, I can talk to both my parents about anything, including sex- just not MY sex life.

Lately though, I'm starting to have my doubts about virginity and marriage and all that and this whole sex business is starting to become an obsession.

I'm a student right now, and in a year, I'll get my bachelor's degree. My plan and life-long dream is to continue my studies and I will be going to France next summer to do just that and I want to continue studying and just see the world and getting the most out of life while I can. So, marriage is just totally out of the question for me right now.

Now, I try to be honest with myself, and I just can't hide or ignore my sexuality. I really feel that I'm at an age where sex is something I not only want to have, but NEED as well. I feel that lately I've been having these inner battles with myself where a gazillionn questions keep shooting through my mind: Should I have sex? What about my virginity? Who cares about virginity? How long am I supposed to hold out? Until I'm married? What if I never get married? What if my parents find out? It's driving me crazy and I'm so confused that sometimes I just want to cry.

A solution seems to have popped up recently. I was dating this guy for maybe three months or so, and a month ago, we both agreed that we just didn't have that magic spark between us to have a romantic relationship and that it would be better to see other people. But we both agreed that we do make good friends. We can speak openly about anything together and I really value his friendship. Like me, he's never had sex before either and like me, he really wants to try it but is just afraid of the consequences.

A while back, we set up a date in one of his friend's apartments and we got naked and fooled around, but we didn't actually have sex. Now, I feel that I'm completely ready to lose my virginity and I've reached the conclusion that keeping it is not really important to me.

I spoke with this guy friend of mine a few days ago and I told him about my decision. We both agreed that we would make good sexual partners for each other. And as I feel so comfortable around him, and I trust him, I really want him to be my first. The down side is that there's just no passion between us. But I'm not really looking for that right now. I just want to experience this thing.

Even though I'm pretty much sure about this, those mind-wracking questions do pop up occasionally. Am I doing the right thing? Is a lack of sex really causing these feelings or or am I just blowing this whole deal up bigger than it really is? I sometimes tell myself that I should just forget about it and try to ignore it and just get on with my life. But I know it will never go away, not until I try it.

I hope you guys can help me out here so I can find some peace of mind. I'm at my wits ends here.

Yours Truly,

Sexually Depraved Girl

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear SDG:

Let's see you 're a 23 year old girl and you think about sex (and hide those thoughts). Who or what has made you think that this is depravity? When we saw the subject line of your email we thought you were going to tell us a tale worthy of Caligula's worst orgies. Instead, all it is, is that you think about sex, you feel guilty about it, so you try to hide it. You also have second thoughts about taking the big step of losing your virginity outside of marriage.

We wish we would have a penny for each 23 year old girl in your situation because we could finally retire to that tropical island and never want for money again!

The decision whether you are going to have sex, and who with, is a decision that can only be made by you, according to your own ideas of what is right and wrong. You certainly are not a child rushing into a whim. You're an adult. You obviously have thought long about this. You seem to be balancing the pros and cons. These are all good signs but it may not be enough.

One rule of thumb is if you have any doubts, then you are not ready. Please don't do this just for the sake of doing it or because you fear you are running out of time, or fear you may never get married. Fear is not a good reason to jump into sex, just as guilt is not a good reason to avoid it.

Also the choice of your partner, who is your friend, may seem "safe" but it may ultimately end up being a very empty experience because it is devoid of love, and you yourself have said there was not even enough passion to keep the two of you dating.

For the time being, stopping yourself from feeling guilty about your thoughts and realizing that these are just natural feelings and instincts will go a long way to making a rational and well thought out decision about your sex life.

Our best to you,

Abjeez

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