September 17, 2004
iranian.com

Send us your questions and comments

Question

My daughter wants to fit

My problem is with my daughter. She is eleven years old but very advanced intellectually. She has skipped two grades and is currently enrolled in class with thirteen and fourteen year olds.

My daughter wants to fit in and she has asked me to buy makeup for her as all the other girls in her class wear. I don't want to crush her desire to fit in and understand it must be hard to socialize with kids so older than her but on the other hand I feel very uncomfortable with letting her wear makeup at such a young age.

My husband, a very old fashioned Iranian man, sees it very black and white. He says no, end of the discussion. If I left it up to him though she would probably not be wearing makeup or dating until she was well into her thirties!

How can I explain to my daughter without hurting her feelings or how can I find a way she can still fit in with her classmates.

IranianMom

Reply

Abjeez write:

Dear IranianMom,

It is a very difficult situation to have such an age disparity between your daughter and her classmates. At this age, a couple of years are like a couple of decades. You have to realize that your daughter is going to have some real trouble adjusting to this and keep attempting to fit in.

One of the questions of course is why put her in class with such older kids? You may want to explore schools that cater to or at least have a special program geared towards these young talents because it would be a shame not to make the best of her abilities and also it would help your daughter make a connection with kids her own age who have things in common with her.

But for the time being, you want the answer to your question about makeup. Is makeup the answer to her problems fitting in ? Of course not.

This is just an external thing that may make her feel as though she is more like the others but won't succeed in changing others'perceptions of her.

You are right that a dictatorial approach (no, and end of discussion) is not going to alleviate any tension your daughter is feeling. On the contrary it may make her even more focused on that elusive makeup. It is the easiest thing to apply the forbidden lipstick and tease your hair in the school bathroom right before homeroom and then erase any trace before heading back home.

So you need to sit with your daughter and explain to her why it is not appropriate for her to be wearing makeup at her age.

Let her know at what age you will consider it appropriate to let her wear makeup and that when she reaches that age, you will take her yourself to a department store where a beauty expert can teach her how to apply it without ending up looking like an Impressionist painting. This will give her something to look forward to.

And to show compromise, you can allow her some transparent lip gloss for now which looks like a lipstick but does not have that grown up effect to it.

I would suggest encouraging her to participate in out of classroom activities such as drama club or sports where her peers will get to know her on a more intimate level than confined to the classroom. Once she finds a circle of friends, she will feel less pressure to mimick grown up ways in order to fit in.

Our best to you,

Abjeez

* *

ALSO
Abjeez
Latest
advice

Other advice columns

Legal Ali
latest

Qanoon
discontinued legal column

Horoscope
magical astrology

Kobra Khanom
discontinued advice column

Book of the day
mage.com

Crowning Anguish
Taj al-Saltana, Memoirs of a Persian Princess 1884-1914
edited by Abbas Amanat