January 25, 2005
iranian.com

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Question

She's had a busy past, but I love her

Dear Abjeez,

I am 30, introvert, analyzer, caring, precise, and a believer in commitment. I live in Iran.

Right or wrong, I have always wanted to marry a girl who had not a busy past. Someone who considers me as special as I consider her.

Since 3 months, I have been going out with a wonderful lady aged 29 who had been married for 7 years but got divorced since about a year ago (she has no kids). I know that she dated some guys after she divorced (which I don't like it, honestly) and I have found her so easy going, extrovert, super communicative, and somehow a weaker believer in commitment than me.

Strange is that despite all these, I love her! And even stranger is that I am thinking about marrying her!! Now I'm stuck.

If I leave her, I am afraid I will regret to lose someone whom I loved. If I marry her, I'm afraid I will regret because of marrying someone who almost breaks all my rules! What should I do?!

Please advise.

With respect,

Nami

Reply

Abjee Fotty writes:

Dear Nami,

You can make rules for your children but if you think you can make rules for your life partner and end up in a happy marriage, you are headed on the wrong path.

What has this experience taught you?

That love means acceptance. Love cannot be narrow-minded. Love is loving the qualities and the flaws. Love is recognizing that you are not perfect yourself, so how can you elevate your mate to a perfect ideal?

If you really love this woman, and she loves you, and you are committed to her and she to you, then rules such as only marrying someone without any romantic past should be recognized for what they are: arbitrary, selfish and restrictive. Rules will not lead you to happiness but love may.

Abjee Pari writes:

Fotty you are being a little bit too harsh and judgmental. Remember this is a man who has never been married before. He is family and commitment oriented. It is very understandable that he would have jitters to get involved with someone who has gone through a divorce after seven years of marriage and dated some men.

The reason for the jitters is that she may not be interested in long lasting commitment as he is and he may end up getting hurt because they do not want the same things in life. Although using the word "rules" may have a negative connotation, I don't think there is anything wrong with having certain criteria for compatibility. After all Fotty, with all your romantic ideals, marriage is not just about love. It is also about compatibility, having things in common especially life goals.

Dear Nami, if you are seeing telltale signs that this woman is not interested in monogamy or marriage, it is better to frankly explore the issue with her and if she tells you what you already seem to know, then you should not rush into marriage.

You have two choices really. Either to break it off or perhaps give her more time, until she reaches the point that she does feel ready for a commitment and she has put the hurt and pain of her previous divorce behind her and can start off with a clean slate with you. Just don't make any rushed unilateral decision. Communication, patience and time are keys here.

Our best wishes,

Abjeez

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