January 7, 2005
iranian.com

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Question

I love my wife, but...

Hi dear abjeez,

I am 31 married to an Iranian (24) for 2 years. I have a problem and this I have with me since I found out about sex.

I can't be with one woman. Since I have married I have had relations with 2 other women (of course with protection). But my major peoblem is I just can't stick to one woman. I was fine the first 6 months but it satrted.

I love my wife. But I think the reasons that could be making me sleep with others now are:

1. My wife doesn't like some of my fantasies and sex positions which I ask her to do.
2. I love being with different women.
3. Could be that I am afraid of missing something (since I am married)

Another problem is that I like to be more with married women. And my final and third problem is that I still do self-pleasure (masturbation, which my wife doesn't know about, I think) and enjoy pornographic movies (she knows this). 

Can you please give me your advice on all these questions and tell me what is the right way to stop this jumping around? Is this not normal to be with more than one woman? I hear from my friends and colleagues that many others also betray their partners (men and women).

And is masturbation not a good act while one is married? Should I tell my wife?

Thank your for your time

Reza

Reply

Abjee Fotti writes:

What could possibly make you think that our advice or the advice or anybody else could make you stop cheating on your wife? 

It is a little bit late for advice here. You have already taken the step of cheating on your wife, repeatedly.  You ask us how to stop. I would say that only you, through your self-will, can stop this pattern. After all we are humans not animals. There is such a thing as self-control and your own will.  If you don't want to cheat on your wife, it is easy: Do not pick up other women! Nobody is putting a gun to your head are they?

If you are not ready for a monogamous relationship and as you say you "love" being with different women, then marriage is obviously not the right situation for you. It will end up only hurting yourself and your wife as I am sure it already has. It is better to get out and no matter how hurt your wife will be initially to find out about your adultery, at least it is better that she know now before having children and creating a situation for herself and the kids that makes them stuck for the rest of their lives.

Saying that other married couples cheat on each other so why not you is the poorest of excuses. What about all the other married couples out there who are committed to each other? Why not emulate them instead of the worst examples.

Abjee Pari writes:

Fotti you are being too hard on him. Some psycholgists believe some men and women are "sex addicts" in the same way that there are alcoholics or drug addicts.   This would ruin any chance at monogamy unless engaging in some psychological counseling and support group/twelve step program. Maybe couples or marital counseling would help you. This would of course require honesty towards your wife namely telling her what you have been doing.

The risk is that such a step could result in a divorce rather than saving your marriage depending on how committed you each are to each other. If you want to fix this problem the first and most important step is to recognize that it is a problem. The second step, which you have already done, is to seek help. I am sure this dear reader did not come to us for judgment but for help.

My greatest advice would be to get counseling at first by yourself before you can handle exposing the situation honestly to your wife. Once you get into couples counseling with your wife, you should be exploring opnely and intimately the problems in your sex life and strike the right balance between doing what is fulfilling for you sexually without violating her boundaries. You may be surprised to find out she has her own sexual fantasies and desires which she may have been too embarassed to tell you about as well. The key is that you are both equally committed to working this out and preserving your marriage.

A lot of patience, forgiveness and acceptance will be needed and it will be a dificult, tortuous road. Regarding masturbation, I don't see any problem there, as long as you remember the old saying, everything is good in moderation. Just beacuse one is married, it certainly does not mean that it is unnatural or undesirable to masturbate. 

Our best wishes,

Abjeez

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