Half-missing
the closed girl grows into a locked woman
an imposed silence
a silence guarded
when did silence become so loud?
mine is deafening
a locked woman is simply a broken girl
a girl undone
half
m I s s I n g
AS IS- ask for discount at register
she WILL sell herself, you know
everything has a price
it had a price.
i had a price
still broken
Yekee Bood Yekee Nabood…
who was the nabood?
the silent one in the shadow of the one that bood
perhaps the nabood had sinned
and was shunned
the way nanehjoon promised
swore
wept
shouted to God
i would end up
i am incomplete until i learn to sew
she hissed at me
i can not help but wonder what you see when you look
i hate the looks
don’t look into me dammit look at me
is it written somewhere on my face
in my voice
in my eyes
in my questions
in my wanting
is it written on my legs
I hate the looks
I was always scared that I wouldnt be able to conceive
perhaps divine retribution for the bare arms and long hair
but would it matter
would I want to bring someone else into this
flawed mistake longing for paradise
my paradise is in the water
one day Ill walk in
and keep walking
and as the water embraces me
in the way no one else has been able to
i can take it all in
and i can float away
with the broken dreams
of a girl undone
i lied
i said i was okay
i must learn to sew
maybe then i can be okay?
i will sew until my hands are blistered and torn
i will sew sweaters to cover my sinful arms
scarves to mask a sinful neck
stained with kisses and broken promises
hats to pull down a sinful smile
do you know what it is to not feel pain
when you feel so much that you must stop feeling
a numb happiness to make up for the tears
that filled the pillow of the broken girl
a fake smile to mask the screams
of a girl stained
do you look because you can see past the smile
the edges where my smile cracks
into the sad pathetic cry
I can no longer make
Into the scream
My silence forbids me to scream
Living under the veil I supposedly escaped
i will keep sewing
until i run out of sinful skin to cover
but scarves and sweaters can not contain
the red halo
glowing. taunting. unabashed.
so i will sew my legs closed
that will solve the problem
of a broken girl.
i can close my eyes to see the approving looks
of the nanehs and the ones that bood
at the bleeding hurting flesh
so pure
is that pain?
i’m afraid that if I let myself begin to feel it
i wont be able to stop
and I will be consumed by it
years of silence will manifest into an agony
with no place left
but an empty ocean
to slowly walk into longing for an embrace
i had a dream I was falling
i have fallen
i hope not from His grace
but from my own
so what do you see when you see me
do you see what I see
you cant
do you see two blue eyes
big
or can you see two haunted seas waiting for the sad girl to jump in
i want to break the glass that surrounds the pristine existence
of a flawed princess
so that i can escape their looks
and so that when i held it not the fleeting sense of safety which make me close my eyes for a few moments
i lied
i don’t think Ill ever be okay
is anyone?
i sewed myself together
to feel pain
a desperate longing to feel what others hide from
if I hurt I would feel but I didn’t
i will leave with bleeding legs and a broken smile
but no pain
you know the shoulders of a woman are the most beautiful part of her
tear off the sweater
the last to go in before she dunks her head back into the cold water
burn it
and she floats away
fall
to a place she does not know
maybe there she can hurt
and remember what it is to feel
or maybe the cold of the sea will bring an ironic numbness
to the lost flesh so longing to feel.
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