On the latest saga of the British carving of the
April 21, 2003
So finally like an Olympic event that people in this country watch
while conducting their routine chores during their dinnertime the
Hollywood-like version of the Iraqi war is over. There is certain
withdrawal associated with it you may agree. Well, another country
got liberated so now they can live in total state of chaos.
You may wonder what happened to the 28-million population of Iraq?
Where in the world are they? All we saw on TV were these digital
images of a circle called Basra and then another circle called Baghdad
and so forth and so on. Fistful of people here and a few there.
The other 27 million must have been in their basement.
And now thanks to the well-planned, century-old British carving
of the Middle East, another one of these puppet regimes has collapsed
under its own weight and now the Iraqi people get the opportunity
to do what the Iranians did in 1979 -- burn their banks, set buildings
afire and take revenge against each other. Then their constitution
gets rectomized (as opposed to ratified) by a cookie-cutter Ayatollah
exported from Iran.
Then in the midst of it all CNN calls itself "the most
trusted" news network, immediately after being kicked out of
Iraq. And even more shameful is that CNN actually borrows images
from the Aljazeera news network, what most likely can win "the
most mistrusted news network in the world."
I saw one image that was the saddest. It was the picture of Baghdad
Museum's deputy director holding his head with his hands in disbelief
when people broke into the National Museum and looted artifacts
going back thousands of years. But rest assured, all of those treasures
will soon find their ways to the British Museum or show up on e-bay
just like thousands of other nations' treasures ended up in the
dungeons of the British Museum, so that if people of those plundered
nations want to learn about their heritage they have to pay a pilgrimage
And while some Americans turn their TVs off when Bush starts his
speeches, somehow we see images of Iraqis in Baghdad shouting into
the TV cameras "Mr. Boosh goot, Mr. Boosh very goot,"
and with a two-thumbs up! Yes, CNN is the most trusted news network.
Bush's popularity has certainly risen in Iraq. One cannot deny
that one of the cultural benefits of this war is that many American
soldiers became Karbalaee, which is an honor among the Shiite sect.
Not all believers can make it to Karbala but these Marines did.
In fact some suggest that they should change their motto and call
themselves "Marines, the few, the Proud, the Karbalaees."
In fact former Iraqi Ambassador to the UN suggested and offered
a mass circumcision to be offered to the Marines at half the regular
price at any Turkish bath in Baghdad. But so far there has been
no takers. But please Lord, have pity on Iranians and don't let
Imam Reza invite the Marines to make them Mashdis as well.
Then I see this Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary.
Him and others like him stand in front of TV news cameras just to
say nothing and remain ambiguous. The other day an Italian reporter
asked him: "Skoozee Mr. Secretary, could you tell me what time
it is?" and Fleischer immediately said, "Well, we have
no comment about that and the White House has made no announcement
yet." Talk about paranoid schizophrenia.
Then CBS's "60 Minutes" reporter Bob Simon conducts an
interview with Ayatollah Hakim in Tehran, the most mistrusted capital
east of the Euphrates. Iran wants to install Hakim as the Shiite
leader in Iraq. And of course the West was also incubating Majid
Khoei in London (the most trusted city among Mullahs). So goes the
old saying that ten dervishes can sleep in one room and two mullahs
won't give an inch of the universe while in power.
Not a day had past Iraq's "liberation" when one of the
opposition leaders (Majid Khoei) got stabbed to death while a gang
outside Imam Ali's holy shrine shouted "Takbeer, Takbeer"
and the poor American soldiers guarding the sidewalks did not move
a finger, thinking that somebody is yelling "Taxi, Taxi".
Meanwhile a grim multiple murder was taking place a few feet away!
Unlike Iranians, poor Iraqis only have few leaders of the opposition
who can fit the bill to go and build Iraq. One was already assassinated
Iranian style; the other one, Mr. Ahmed Chalabi, sounds so Americanized
that even Washington may shun him eventually. Plus he has his own
baggage. And finally that leads us to Ayatollah Hakim who is sitting
in exile in Tehran, Khomeini-style, until his number is called.
I bet $5 that the British Intelligence Service and the CIA are
just itching to put him in power in Iraq for a variety of reasons.
Number one, he is charismatic (wink, wink). Secondly, he smiles!!
Americans love smiling faces. Thirdly, when he reaches power he
will push Iraq back another 600 years (Khomeini style). And most
importantly, with him in power, the Anglo-American coalition of
future years could kick Iran's ass for exporting its Revolution
I said it back in 1977 that the plan is Islamization (read it with
French pronunciation; it makes you more sophisticated) of the Middle
East. Anglo-American politicians installed the damn "Axis of
Evil" that they are now dismantling. And now they are giving
the green light to Iran to push Hakim into Iraq.
Don't forget that Saddam may have had a bad mustache but he was
at least a secular ruler. Iran has another decade to achieve a secular
government. And just because Khatami has a smiling face does not
mean theIranian regime is any better than Saddam. Saddam did
not force drug addiction and prostitution on millions of its people
but Iran's government did and continues to do so.
One thing common and very fashionable these days is that most of
those in the Iraqi opposition claim that they only want to go and
help their nation rebuild, and that they have no political objectives.
As a famous Persian philosopher once said "Khar Khodeti"
("YOU'RE the ass").
Take Mr. Pahlavi for instance. He wants to go and be a figurehead
but not necessarily a lifetime Shah. He would be a Shah who would
ask for the people's vote. OK no problem. Then Mohammad Zaher Shah
went back to Afghanistan simply because opium is so expensive in
London and his meager salary in exile was insufficient. So he returned
to Kabul for his free ration and he said he did not want to hold
any political power.
That reminds me that when a member of parliament in the former
Pahlavi regime in Iran returned to Tehran from Paris a couple of
years after the Revolution, they immediately arrested him at Mehrabaad
airport and executed him. Before the execution, they asked him:
"Why in the world did you return to Iran?" His answer
was "Who can afford a cup of café au lait at five Francs?"
They asked Khomeini in his Air France flight from the holy city
of Paris to Tehran "what are your feelings now that you are
returning to Iran" and the old man responded: "nothing!"
I think if there is one word the old man ever uttered that one could
trust was that word "nothing." He had no feeling going
back to Iran. And today we see the result of his feelings.
Now, you may think that this article is going to lead to somewhere
meaningful and constructive. But that is not my intention. I just
wonder will there be a day when somebody would have the balls to
say "I want to go back to my country to be the 'installed'
leader; I want to rule the land, have my statutes built in all cities,
print stamps with my portrait, change street names to match my family's,
and get rich quick."
France is pissed off because in 1978, Khomeini was in Paris. But
now the Iraqi opposition has gathered mostly in London and in Washington.
France is trying to regain its loss of power in the region. Their
alliance with Russia clearly shows the division and growing unrest
in the world capitals on how to share the spoils of war. For every
building that burns in Iraq it simply means a contract will be awarded
to rebuild. But the questions is how many of these contracts will
go to France, Germany and Russia?
Well, the British economy is in such shambles that they need as
many contracts as America can throw at them. UN's "Oil for
Food" program is now going to be "Oil for Food, Etc".
Iraq has to turn the valves wide open for the next three decades
just to pay off the coalition forces at minimum wage $6.75 an hour
to watch the streets of Baghdad during the next few months of martial
Can you believe the sheer number of imbedded journalists in Iraq?
It seems there was one on top of every tank. If you were a war reporter
would you want to be "imbedded" or would you rather go
on your own and chose your presence wherever your senses lead you?
Like Hemingway, just get drunk, pick your pen and notebook, throw
your camera on your shoulder and go where the action is. Instead
today's journalists waited in line to get imbedded. It sounds like
adulterated press. On the other hand if you have had no choice,
wouldn't you rather be imbedded in one of those go-go places in
I think the Comedy Channel should hire Iraq's former Information
Minister. He would be a great guest star on Saturday Night Live
too. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is not ashamed of just
lying through his teeth in front of the world's cameras. He made
audiences laugh during the sad days of the war, by denying the fact
that his country was being demolished under the digital Anglo-American
But I wonder if I would rather watch Bob Dole and Bill Clinton's
5-minuet Sunday debates on 60 Minutes, which makes me think
of only one thing: Viagra. It's hard to focus on what they say. Bob
Dole is using Viagra and he admits it in his TV ads. And Clinton
still uses cigars. Well, to each its own. Somehow I cannot focus
on what they say and I get distracted by the subliminal messages.
Cigar or Viagra, back and forth.
These days it's so fashionable for experts to comment on how the
US will not attack Iran because of XYZ. For example, they say the
US will not attack Iran because Iran has 65 million people. Well
let's see. It took three weeks to annihilate 28 million in Iraq,
so it will take roughly 8-10 weeks to tame 65 million.
Another reason they offer is that 65% of the Iranian population
is young, which only means trouble -- but not a great force in a
digital war. They fail to disclose that of that 65%, perhaps 20%
are drug addicts, another 20% are too deep into Rumi and extra terrestrial
schools of thought, and 20% want to get a visa by any means possible
to get the hell out of that oppressed country. The remaining 5%
will fight to death.
As the old Persian saying goes: "Don't entangle your butt
with the bull's horn." Khomeini took our land with a flick
of a switch. Don't encourage another one. The US is constantly searching
for weapons of mass destruction, or WMDs. Iranians know well that
such weapons that the West is so paranoid about are basically nothing
more than certain gases such as Andol and Scatol readily available
in our digestive tracts. These WMDs have ruined lots of lives and
forced happy marriages into divorce and torn families apart and
broken friendly relationships in most Middle Eastern countries.
The Greeks have not been immune either. That is what UN inspectors
were looking for.
Remember you read it here first . We now offer you a recipe to
build one of these weapons which produce gasses that cause massive
Cook for three hours 2 kilos of lamb shank with one half kilo of
garbanzo beans and half kilosof white beans; boil until cooked well
and lamb shanks are tender to touch. Add two spoonfuls of curry
powder or turmeric. Add two large onions, 6 large potatoes, salt
and pepper to taste. Add six ripe tomatoes cut in half and add enough
water to cover the ingredients.
Let the whole thing simmer for another three hours. Serve with
pita bread and raw onions and feed as many people as you can. Stand
back and watch in shock and awe the gasses of mass destruction ruin
family lives, demoralize children and disturb neighborhoods and
make people flee from city buses, theatres and public buildings.
We will be back next week with a recipe for Molotov Cocktail, also
known as Koofteh Berenjee.
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the webmaster of PerianParadise.com.
He wants to be known as a gardener for life and then after, nothing
more. He believes that our highest achievements in life will be
dwarfed by shadows of those trees that we have planted.
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