The hunt for hamsar
Am I asking for too much?
December 10, 2001
Why does it seem that every tall, dark handsome man with a bright shiny
smile I meet has an equally shiny wedding band on his finger?
I often wonder, Where are the young, single, educated, professional males
with ambition for success, passion for life and great expectations of love.
Where are all the men who are single and would actually like to get married
rather than the majority who would rather order sushi at a chelokababi than
have a conversation about marriage?
The number of "great catches" who marry Candy, the waitress,
and Fifi the "band andaaz", often astonishes me. Why do they do
it? A better question is what do these people talk about? These marriages
are often seen among our previous generations where the men controlled everything
and the woman was a big zero. She relied on him for everything and he, in
essence, was her sugar daddy.
The new Iranian generation often sees marriage more as a business partnership.
He's a doctor so he marries a dentist. Together they pull in over $300,000
-- everybody's happy. She's a lawyer so she marries a surgeon. Together
they pull in a little over $350,000.00 -- everybody's happy. Every once
in a while the young, good looking, board-exam-approved doctor marries Fifi
the "band andaaz" and everybody in his family thinks "haroom
I often ponder about how two siblings raised under the same roof, with
the same values, experiences, discipline, manners, diet, religion, culture
and background, can sometimes grow up to be so different they can't tolerate
each other for more than a few minutes without getting into some kind of
So obviously marriage -- the act of bringing two people from two totally
different households and uniting them -- is always a challenge. The more
different their upbringing, culture, religion, diet, discipline and language,
the more challenging this unity becomes.
My father, a very wise, worldly and educated man advises me that when
choosing a mate I should remember what "hamsar" means. It means
someone you are head to head with. Neither of you are above nor beneath
the other. That's a hamsar.
Now why is it so difficult to find a hamsar? Someone between the ages
of 25-33, single, and marriage-minded who will have minor faults. Am I asking
for too much?