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We never win
Irooni guys in the eyes of some Irooni girls

November 30, 2004

In response to "Iranian guys suck":

THAT'S IT! Deegeh basteh! For how long shall Irooni guys be accused of being sexist-chauvinistic-horny animals who think of nothing else apart from sex and kabob? There is no doubt that they are among the fundamental factors of being Iranian, however, there is more to us than that.

I am getting sick and tired of hearing and reading about Irooni girls who complain, whinge, moan and groan as if a psychological mechanism resembling PMT is triggered with the mention of Irooni guys. So you've got a problem with nearly all of us being successful Doctors, Dentists, Lawyers and Engineers, from MIT, Harvard, Yale, Cambridge, Paris universities.

Oh, it's getting boring that every Iranian guy you meet or go out on a date has Dr., MBBS, MbCHB. DDS, BDS, PhD on their card? You'd like to meet an Iranian stuntman or journalist for once?

OK, remember that while your chewing on that expensive meal Dr. Ali Abbasi has just bought for you on your first date with him, where he has been polite, respectful, has taken you to the movies, innocent walk in the park, and will be driving you back home 10 pm sharp in his Mercedes Benz.

You think an Iranian stuntman will be able do that for you? You think his flying kicks, jumps out of windows and his countless injuries will pay for all those things? Hey wait a minute, I've got an idea. Tell him to jump out of the 5th floor of the Ritz Hotel so the manager can be impressed and give you a free meal.

And no Ali's dad didn't buy him the car, nor did he pay for his medical fees, he's up to his neck in college debt, but he's kind enough to spend all this money on you, because he's had his eye on you every since he saw you in that mehmooni, and he didn't approach you in a drunk, sweaty and horny manner, he waited until he say you walk in the mall.

And during that date, he never talked, hinted or approached the subject of sex, something your previous Chino, Tyrese and Billy-Joe-Bob dates hit on within the first 5 minutes, grabbing your ass and shoving you in the corner while some you willingly accepted.

And yes, Ali, wants a serious relationship, wants 3 kids, 5 bedroom house in Westwood, allowing you to work, but doesn't really want you to because he's making enough money anyway in his new surgery, paying for his family, parents, and in-laws, and writing a letter of invitation with that bum of a uncle you have back in Tehran, what do you think of that?

You say: "Ah! Just drop all the sweet talk. The guy needs to come out and say, listen u are a clean woman and u have to have sex with me 5 nights at least and ur gonna clean the house pop out kids and do as I say ... if u make money u cant spend it all at the mall ... and u have to ask me before u do anything to ur hair or body ...there is no such thing as gainin weight and growin old. u gonna have to keep the same looks u got."

And the girl should say, "That's cool, but ur dick is mine from this day on cant so much as search for another hole to crawl in ...ur money is my money too ...sure i wont spend it all at once but u damn well better believe if im poping out kids for u. I get 50% profit from that cash u be bringing home ... not one cent less."

Khoshgeleh, that only works if you kept your side of the agreement (u have to have sex with me 5 nights at least), and when you play Naz-Nazee hard to get, you wonder why we divorce you and get another wife.

And yes, we are hairy, and proud of it. Do you know what hairy means? Yes, full of testosterone, how else do you think Takhti and Rezazadeh are/were No. 1s in the world? All that noon-o-paneer-o-chaaee in the morning isn't the solution. And more testosterone means that we CAN go on, and on, and on, and on in the night with you ungrateful Irooni girls. That's why Irooni girls keep nagging that they've had a long day and want to go to bed. Ever seen an Irooni girl regularly stay up until 3 am?

What really pisses me off the most is when you get these Irooni girls labelling Irooni guys about being "feminine", "camp" and even "gay" because we like to have a shower every day, be clean shaven, dress well with the most famous designer labels, and those "too hairy" are forced to pluck their uni-eyebrows because they were tormented by the same Irooni girls from 4th grade, who then have the cheek to accuse them of being feminine for plucking them!

The thing is, most Irooni guys I know are hygienic, but those who are "gay, weak and feminine" fit in with those bacheh-soosool-khatami-supporting-Metallica-loving idiots who go on raving about freedom in Iran, while having absolutely no idea what Democracy is (at least those students who brought down Khomeini were educated). And if we don't shower, shave and dress well, they knock on our heads and tell us the benefits of hygiene and ask us if we've every heard of deodorant.

And what's wrong with us being close to our mums? Yes we do cuddle, kiss them and occasionally visit them when we feel like it. What? We're too weak and insecure? You're going to throw Freudian theories in our face about the Oedipus complex you just learnt from your Jewish-Feminist-Lesbian-Psychologist professor in your Human Behaviour lecture, paid for by Baba joon (yes he was once an Irooni guy)?

Are you trying to tell us when you have kids, you want your sons and daughters to abandon you, steal your house, chuck you in an old people's home, and to loose contact with you forever? Do you know what, you deserve it. When we don't smoke, avoid drugs, drink 2 litres of water a day, eat a healthy balanced meal, go to the gym 4 times a week we're labelled as health and gym freaks.

You have a problem with us keeping fit? You want a skinny, hunched back, pot-smoking freak in your life? Fine, go ahead, go and get a druggie boyfriend or husband and see how many kids you can get out of him (good luck, because his sperm count is minimal after his horrifying diet, intake of drugs and alcohol).

Oh yeah, pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssse someone tell me what the deal is when you get a gorgeous Irooni girl with a damn ugly, looser white guy? Is it because you have such a problem with your Iranian identity and want to "fit" into Western society by getting a non-Iranian boyfriend or husband?

I mean I'm no racist and I've got many non-Iranian friends, but when an Irooni girls gets out of her way to avoid Irooni guys and date ONLY non-Irooni guys really pissess me off. Like for example I was at this Iranian cultural demonstration at the British Museum in London and I noticed this hot 35-year-old Irooni woman with her arm around this ugly, ginger 45-year-old English guy with buck yellow teeth, which would put Ronaldo and a New York tramp to shame.

The guy was complaining and insulting her saying he wanted to "get out of this primitive shit and go home". She was like, "I'm sooo sorry Jaaaaan (John), I veel mayke eet up too yoo, peleeesee let us estay forrrr fyve morrr meneets." I nearly went over and punched the guy in the face, I swear to God I got so mad.

Irooni guys are too protective over their sisters? What? What is too protective? Is it because we care about our sisters and don't want anyone messing with them? Is it because we know what bastards men CAN BE (NOT ARE!) and feel that it is our duty we make sure our sisters choose the right guy?

And if you're complaining about those Irooni guys who screw around and then shut their sisters home, then you're complaining about those Irooni guys who screw around and then shut their sisters home, NOT ALL IROONI GUYS! If we're not virgins you go ape-shit because we expect you to be.

Some of you Irooni girls think its OK to cheat on their loving Irooni boyfriends, to loose their virginity off this low-life Taco-selling looser, so they can have their own back. And then, those Irooni guys which are virgins, they're labelled either as loosers for not being to get it, or dirty liars because according to those Irooni girls, all Irooni guys think about is sex. So we never win.

Yeah, our Dads came over to the West and set up their own business, and now they've got a bad back and want to retire. What is wrong with us Irooni guys taking over the business? Does anybody have a problem with that? What? Just because YOUR Dad didn't have a business to pass on to your brother you're getting jealous? Everyone on this world has to work to the bone and sweat to get somewhere in life? It's not fair that some of us have it easier than others?

Do you know what's not fair? I'll tell you what: IROONI GIRLS COMPLAINING ABOUT IROONI GUYS! Luckily I'm complaining about the minority of Irooni girls who complain about Irooni guys in this way. And most of them are these ugly, fat, I've-got-a-belly-from-eating-too-much-polo-as-a-kid-bullshit-excuse-because-I'm-too-damn-lazy-to-the-gym-and-have-the-will-power-to-go-on-a-diet, unibrow, Indie-Punk-loving, I-can't-speak-Persian-to-save-my-life-give-my-grandfather-a-heart-attack-whenever-I-attempt-to-speak-Persian-on-the-phone, never visit Iran because of the abroo-rezee they caused when they went there when they were 15.

Most of the Irooni girls I've met and dated don't complain this way, and have all the qualities an Irooni guy want, in fact EVERY GUY WANTS!

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Book of the day

The Strangling of Persia
A Story of European Diplomacy and Oriental Intrigue
by W. Morgan Shuster

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