Women and babes?
You thought I was gonna be all sugar and spice
January 27, 2004
male friend of mine once said, there are three genders in this
world; Men, Women and Babes. He attributed a fairytale life to
women fortunate enough to be born as Babes. What does he know?
All woman start out life as beautiful, perfect little babes.
I'm baby #1
the moment, I poop my pants and babble a lot. In about 20 years,
I'm going to be one drop dead gorgeous babe.
though at best, I will be a C student, it will be easier for
me to get a job. Even a job for which, I will not be fully qualified.
If you don't believe me, just ask the 'qualified
but ugly' job seekers out there.
will love me simply because I am beautiful. Companies will use
my pretty face, my perky breasts, and my sexy bum to sell anything
from mouthwash to wholesale invasion of countries. Death and
destruction never looked so good.
I will never have to work to get attention, my personality will
be rather limp. I will be boring, at best. Mostly, I will be
insecure and afraid of growing old. (If you don't believe
me, ask Baby #3, she went to school with types like me).
I am smart, before I peek in my chosen career as a Pretty Woman,
at the age of 23, I will branch out and set up my own cosmetic
line. I will push cosmetics on young girls and keep the cycle
of oppression through coercion going at full throttle.
will be considered a Goddess. I will have no problems finding
a mate willing to produce children with me. This ensures that
not only my pretty genes but also my dumb genes will be passed
a result, people like me are responsible for keeping the human
race dumb, insecure and shopping.
there, I'm baby #2.
now, I am cute as a button and everyone loves me, even when I
shit my diapers. In about 20 years, I'm going to be one
ugly young woman. Things are going to be tough, because I will
also be a C student.
I will have no access to a sense of humor, thus I will wear my
ugliness like an albatross around my neck. I will wear gaudy
jewelry, glossy lipstick and walk around like a clown. I will
be easily cowed. Just say, I'm ugly and I will hit the
floor crying like a baby.
with pretty women will be lost to me. I will hate them, fear
them, idolize them, and in most cases, I will ignore them.
This ensures that the female population is fractured from the onset
and will present no formidable challenge to the system. I will
be incomplete emotionally. I will be insecure. I will buy whatever
baby #1 is selling.
will marry, have children and pass on all my insecurities and
shame to my children. Because of types like me, the human race
will continue on the path of dumbness and consumerism.
I be the Baby called #3:
yoo doing? Like I give a BLEEP! Just pulling your leg there little
buddy. You thought I was gonna be all sugar and spice. Why don't
you stick your nursery rhymes up your fascist BLEEP! You jerk
off! Just kidding there little buddy.
I'm a little baby, but I got a mouth like a Gumba Hit man.
I will never experience adolescence. I am 2 years old going on
brain will be the bane of my life. I
will be lonely most of my life…always mismatched because
I like it that way. My
insecurities will not be availed with pretty trinkets or shiny
experience, it will become apparent to me. A $1000 Channel dress
on a flat-chested chick is just that, a $1000 dollar dress on
flat-chested chick. What's that compared to a $5 t-shirt,
one size too small, on a C cup chick? Ask me and I'll tell
likely, I will die without passing on my genes because I have
a bad attitude. Hence, I also play a tremendous role in keeping
the human race dumb.
I'm Baby #4
like all the rest, I too am a very cute baby. I will grow up
to be a cute woman. Most likely, I will end my days as a cute
little old lady. I have everything in proportion and that's
why they call me Plain Jane.
won't stand out much, but my guy will never stray far.
My secret? I will care, I will share, but mostly, I will know
how to nod my head and pretend I'm listening.
will thoroughly enjoy my life from crayons to condoms to condominiums.
I will pass through the phases of my life according to plan.
will be the granny that remembers what it was like to be a teen.
I will be the granny that knows that life isn't fair but
that don't mean it ain't worth a bean. I
will show you a stunning picture of my younger years, and then
I'll throw my head back and laugh. As always, my dentures
will fall out and everyone will be too grossed out to eat turkey
want them to bury me in a field of forget-me-nots. Oh please,
let them mark my headstone with this epithet. "Here lies
Plain Jane. She wasn't much to look at, and she wasn't
a barrel of laughs. She didn't move mountains; she didn't
really say anything worth repeating. Not to mention, she didnt
get much done. She just popped out a few kids. But none-the-less,
here lies what's her name."
Afsaneh Bahrami is the publisher of Aunti
Afsaneh is a writer / performer based in Toronto. ("I specialize
in epic roles, funny faces and minor speaking parts, when I can
get them.") She can be reached telepathically at 1 800 AUNTI
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