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Satire

Exploring Mars?
Try Sha'abdolazim first!

By Behrouz Joon
January 15, 2004
iranian.com

I've been splattered by a deluge of "fan" mail (some of my fans were even kind enough to mention my mother and sister in their emails. . . though for the record I don't have a sister, their kindness has not gone unappreciated). Some fans even used words I had to look up in my Loghatnameyeh Shoofer Taxi -- Unabridged Edition!

There was some criticism of my sophomoric (please note my shameless attempt to sound sophisticated) humor. Motivated by a new sense of purpose and a 3-week supply of anti-psychotic medication, I have decided to tackle a serious issue.

In recent news I've been following President Bush's speech on space exploration very closely (as I am frequently spaced out at work, I have a vested interest in hearing his position on the topic). President Bush has outlined a plan to spend $11 billion in the next five years to send researchers to the moon, and eventually Mars. 

While the news has caused the space exploration community to reach for their collective crotch in unabashed excitement, I have some thoughts on the topic (I also have some thoughts on the plight of the Sumatran Catfish but that topic is too painful and personal for me to discuss in such an open forum). 

The news that America is going to spend $11 billion to explore Mars was shocking to me!  Why should we spend that kind of money to go to a dry, dusty and remote place that is to yield very little in terms of exploratory value? 

I mean if we are going to explore dry, dusty and remote locations why not start with the road from Sha'abdolazim to Qom?! I know few have considered this idea before, but consider the genius of such a program! I mean if we're going to explore places to inhabit why not start with this planet, for pennies on the dollar?! 

Furthermore, if we need to have "stuff" for scientists to conduct research on, they could start by trying to identify the contents of the bubbling goo at any number of Kaleh Pazi restaurants on the roadside between Sha'abdolazim and Qom (a mystery that has kept me up many cold winter nights).

I am so excited by the sheer genius of my idea that I'm firing off an email to the White House (hopefully they've removed me from their Spam list this week.)

In light of recent developments in Iran (see previous article, "Preemptive strike", "Ammeh Soghra of all people!"), I nominate my Ammeh Soghrah (who needs an income since her revolutionary stipend was unjustly taken from her) as a goodwill ambassador for the project (if Ayatollah Rafsanjani is qualified to be the head of the Expediency Council then my Ammeh Soghra is certainly qualified to be the head of the Sha'abdolazim/Qom Exploration Committee.)

In closing (and in anticipation of fan mail), I leave you with words of wisdom from my uncle Akbargholi who once astutely observed, "Some people take life so seriously that the sound of their own fart offends them!"

Author

After being born in "Eye Ran", and growing up "bi-cultural" on three different continents (a kinky way to say I'm mentally confused and emotionally screwed up) Behrouz Joon (my stealthy nom de plume) lives and practices law (which means I'm still practicing and haven't gotten it right yet!) in the San Francisco Bay Area. His hobbies include subjecting the world to his tasteless and juvenile humor! Vist his weblog.

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