Rice: Tape says Iran has nukes, deathstar!
Satirical response to Kenny James, the author of "We won't nuke you"
April 24, 2006
New York, April 26th - The Bush Administration presented its case on Wednesday in favor of military action against Iran before a plenary session of the United Nations Security Council, which began as a subdued gathering but steadily crescendoed to near-pandemonium following U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's presentation.
Secretary Rice argued persuasively for a "strategic nuclear strike" and full-scale invasion of Iran in an hour-long speech that was nearly on par with the eloquence and forcefulness of the February 5, 2003 UNSC address by Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, in which he presented U.S. intelligence on Saddam Hussein's WMD program and advocated military action against Iraq. Secretary Rice showed that according to U.S. intelligence sources, Iran is not only in the process of acquiring nuclear arms capability, but is also planning to construct a giant Deathstar just above the exosphere, which is the highest level of the Earth's atmosphere. The Shahab-470 Space Carrier, known informally as ANS or "Ahmadi Never Scared" by Iranian administration officials, is a state-of-the-art military spacecraft, built with parts and technical know-how supplied by North Korean scientists and closely based on an older Chinese model.
In a grim estimate of the Shahab-470's destructive capacity, Secretary Rice posited that this particular model of the Deathstar would have the "capacity to laser-beam an entire planet entirely out of existence". The evidence is based on a tape leaked by the Bush Administration to the press, which is believed to have recorded the capture, torture, and daring escape of who is now known to be CIA agent Kenny James just outside of the Natanz Uranium Enrichment Facility in Iran.
Below is the wire service transcript of the tape presented by Secretary Rice, which she alleges proves both the existence of an imminent Iranian nuclear weapons arsenal and a Deathstar research and development project:
Shut your mouth infidel!!! You will not speak unless spoken to!!! Mohammad, bring me the nipple clamps. Stop crying. Stop crying, or I chop it off.
Mr. James, do you want to die? If you do, the Islamic Republic brings joyous tidings. We have successfully enriched the Uranium, all praise is due to Allah and His myriad, believing nuclear scientists. The Day of Reckoning for the Christian and Jewish dogs of America, Israel, and elsewhere is imminent, Mr. James... in exactly 7 years, 7 days, 7 months, 7 hours, and 7 minutes, the Islamic Republic of Iran will deploy several hundred examples of His divine, ICBM-mounted justice to infidel enclaves worldwide, inshallah.
You, Mr. James, will remain alive only long enough to see your pitiful civilization reduced to shadows and dust. The righteously inflicted destruction will be vast and irreversible, inshallah. Immediately following the bombing, radiation-suited Muslim armies will be mobilized globally and sent into enemy territory to ensure a real victory; yes, this will not be anything like your Iraqi or Afghani PR campaigns. Surviving American and Israeli women, after radiation tests and further physical examination, will be veiled, beaten, and then taken as auxiliary wives of Allah's glorious, conquering soldiers; your young boys will be castrated and kept as all-purpose slaves, a role which several test Christian and Jewish subjects that we have kidnapped over the years have shown great enthusiasm for; infants will be slaughtered in halal fashion and fed to needy Muslim populations; as for adult males, there will be no survivors. Every last institution that is representative of the emasculated and God-hating peoples of Sodom and Gomorrah shall be demolished: specifically, the White House, liquor-vending establishments, Hooters Bars, synagogues, churches, and infidel-owned 7-Elevens and gas stations. Every city from San Francisco to Tel Aviv shall be torn asunder and sown with salt, inshallah.
Ali, bring a towel; this savage Christian dog has soiled the floor. Put it there in front of his chair. I don't want it near my shoes. If you're ordering from Mamun's, get me a falafel and a Snapple Apple. And wait, I'm out of hair gel. L.A. Looks, you got it. I'll pay you when I find an ATM machine, Allah as my witness. Tashakkor habibi. Where were we, Mr. James? Ah yes. You should know that the Righteous Jihad against the infidel enemy will not be limited to the physical battlefront. We will also be aiming to crush the enemy's democracy-loving, homosexual propaganda campaign. The IRI has chosen Grand Ayatollah Darth Vader to head up our new Satellite Warfare Division. Ayatollah Vader will oversee the launching of the Islamic Republic's first Deathstar, ANS, which upon activation will destroy infidel Christian and Jewish space apparati as it orbits Allah's green earth, inshallah. Vacuous American and Israeli kaafars will arise from yesternight's marathons of sodomy and debauchery and tune in to their sweatshop-built plasma TVs, only to find that the shameless whores of "Desperate Housewives" and "Laguna Beach" have been supplanted by mere static. Don't worry, Mr. James, you will not be among these disillusioned and terrified peoples. We have several taped episodes of both shows for you to enjoy while we slowly shear off your skin and stick pages of the Bible to your subcutaneous tissues, inshallah.
Mr. James, do you read the Bible? Well, there is this verse that I am particularly fond of... Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the -- " what, how did you get out of your handcuffs? Oh my God, no!!! Steven Seagal and Sylvester Stallone!!! [Sound of gunfire and screams of "Allah u Akbar", end of tape]
P.S. to the real Kenny James: You're dumb. THE ALMIGHTY JEHOVAH GOD agrees.