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Shorts

February 2006

SHORTS
A trip to psyche’s depth

Farinaz Aryanfar

Internet is a unique world of it’s own. People can do a lot of stuff there, which they couldn’t do in the real world. A lot of us can have a place of our own called a “web log”. We can write in websites such as Iranian.com or get into a debate without seeing or hearing each other.

But it goes beyond that: we can even introduce a whole new “me” to the world. People who have never seen a university, illustrate themselves as students! Others change their jobs and families, life status and also go into a fairy road trip with their imaginary friends and get introduced to a dissident, a writer or even a legend!!!

They can turn these legends into erotic people who make them feel completely naked by a handshake. Then they will flirt with the hero and finally they will share  blankets with their untrue-visualized, but existing people.

The motive these people have to write these things, is to cover their incapacities and impotencies, and to magnify themselves. This way, they can climb from being nothing to being everything.

Their disturbed psyche which has had a huge effect on their colourful imagination, gives the story such a strength, one might get really fooled and think they really went through it all.

But as much as they would like that, the only road trip they made was through a dream in their psyche’s depth...

SHORTS
String of questions

Neda Farzin

A few days ago, a friend mentioned that she was in the middle of an 'existential crisis'; she elaborated…she just wants to be free and happy…Immediately then, a string of questions ran down my scattered thoughts...

Can one find herself in an existential crisis where she can unreservedly act upon her freewill in a country with strict traditional and cultural customs and rules? Can freewill be exercised in a country where freedom of choice and will is restrained by the set and expected social and cultural norms? If not, then by conforming to the society's standards and norms, aren't we playing roles, identifying ourselves or seeing ourselves, in terms of how other people or society want to see us; aren't we allowing society or other people determine what we are instead of deciding, ourselves from the inside, what we will be as unique individuals?  Isn't what we will be and what will be good for us a radically individual matter? By conforming to the society's standards, aren't we, in essence, acting upon a script written by the expectations of other people and society in general? Aren't we, in fact, practicing the concept of self-deception?

Existentialism is predominantly a twentieth-century philosophy believing that humans define themselves, their existence, by the choices and actions they freely and consciously make from within. It's the idea that all external influences, any set rules, or circumstances must be relinquished, and happiness must be sought from within.  

So, then by definition, in a country where cultural and social customs and rules are set and expected to be strictly adhered to, wouldn't the exercise of existentialism be implausible, finding true happiness unattainable, and as a result experiencing an 'existential crisis' impossible?

SHORTS
Heavenly trade

Siamack Baniameri

If I somehow end up in heaven with 72 virgins, I would like to trade in 71 virgins for cigarettes, alcohol, Xbox and an experienced hooker. I might keep one virgin around just in case things don't work out between me and the hooker. I'm also willing to trade in some of my virgins for an occasional pass to hell to visit friends and family.

SHORTS
Danish brokeback

Siamack Baniameri

A prominent Iranian director said, "Forget movies about gay cowboys. I'm making a movie about gay Arab suicide bombers who find it difficult to blow themselves up in a bus full of naked Danish male dancers."

SHORTS
Now imagine the feedback
Damon Taghavi

Although left unaware of the restrictions imposed on writers, editors, chief executive officers and porn producers living in what we call Europe. Residing in the US of A for the past 20 years helps me understand what is acceptable over here. To make a long editorial short lets use a different senario.

-The NYTimes places an add defamating homosexuals.
-The Atlanta Journal prints an article mocking African-Americans.
-The Wall Street Journal prints a notice that Jewish Buisnessmen/Buisnesswomen are stingy.

Now imagine the feedback. Furthermore, now imagine that everything you have believed in your entire life, everything that has been told to you was pure, justice, and right was now being desecrated by someone whom you believe to be impure and possibly an enemy of your faith.

Point of the matter is that now envision ourselves in both perspectives, so who is to blame people who've reacted to intolerance or idiots who have as much right to freedom of speech as do Nazi enthusiasts. I ask you not as nationalists but as humanists to respect the beliefs of the people of the world no matter your political views,creed,race or any other divider of men and women on earth. Not so much about freedom of speech but about the respect of peoples. If you dare to disregard other belief systems based on your education please do re-evaluate that education.

SHORTS
Danish brokeback

Siamack Baniameri

A prominent Iranian director said, "Forget movies about gay cowboys. I'm making a movie about gay Arab suicide bombers who find it difficult to blow themselves up in a bus full of naked Danish male dancers."

bombers who find it difficult to blow themselves up in a bus full of naked Danish male dancers."

SHORTS
Nefrine jadid

Farzaneh

* elaahi beri Ghazvin, bande kafshet baaz beshe
* elaahi nokhod bokhori, natooni ...
* elaahi jishet begire, kamarbandet baaz nashe
* elaahi beri hamoom shampoo bezani, ab ghat besheh
* elaahi har kanaali ke mizani, Ahmadinejad ro neshoon bede

SHORTS
Now imagine the feedback
Damon Taghavi

Although left unaware of the restrictions imposed on writers, editors, chief executive officers and porn producers living in what we call Europe. Residing in the US of A for the past 20 years helps me understand what is acceptable over here. To make a long editorial short lets use a different senario.

-The NYTimes places an add defamating homosexuals.
-The Atlanta Journal prints an article mocking African-Americans.
-The Wall Street Journal prints a notice that Jewish Buisnessmen/Buisnesswomen are stingy.

Now imagine the feedback. Furthermore, now imagine that everything you have believed in your entire life, everything that has been told to you was pure, justice, and right was now being desecrated by someone whom you believe to be impure and possibly an enemy of your faith.

Point of the matter is that now envision ourselves in both perspectives, so who is to blame people who've reacted to intolerance or idiots who have as much right to freedom of speech as do Nazi enthusiasts. I ask you not as nationalists but as humanists to respect the beliefs of the people of the world no matter your political views,creed,race or any other divider of men and women on earth. Not so much about freedom of speech but about the respect of peoples. If you dare to disregard other belief systems based on your education please do re-evaluate that education.

SHORTS
Destroying “Persian” ethnocentrism

Nema Milaninia

I'm not sure how this is with all other cultures, but I have a feeling it more or less exists everywhere. Needless to say, it has become my experience that we as Iranians have one of the more ethnocentric cultures in the world. Such that it devalues the actual characters of persons we associate ourselves with, trust, and and want to be with down to only those superficial aspects which may be entrusted for furthering our status in society. There are many who don't think in those defined terms, but have only Iranian friends, significant others, etc. on the basis that they love their culture, or because its easier for them to speak in Persian. Those reasons provide no logical basis for not forcing oneself from seeing all peoples equally and recognizing the inherent value of individuals in all cultures. More importantly, it prevents oneself from having cultural appreciation. For, if the point of view of one is to value a culture above all else, then all other cultures must be naturally devalued.

I also made that dire, dire mistake. Despite being with the most wonderful person in the world, her lack of "Iranianess" is what led me to destroy the relationship. A stupid mistake from a stupid boy. And while I may have learned, there is something that’s clearly pervasive amongst our people. Something which our parents, and ourselves when we become parents, must begin to teach. Tolerance, diversity, and appreciation for other cultures. It is clear that right now, we have all those aspects lacking as a people generally.

SHORTS
Ready to go

Siamack Baniameri

When America attacks Iran, as an Iranian-American, I would like to fight for the Iranian side, Monday through Wednesday and for the American side, Wednesday through Saturday. And I would like Sundays off to run errands, do laundry and catch up with some sleep -- if it's okay with both sides. In a case I'm taken as a prisoner of war by either side, I refuse to perform human pyramid tricks or commit suicide by downing hair removal creams. I also like to request from the Iranian side not to ask me to blow myself up, and the American side not to ask me to attach electrical wires to nipples of hooded prisoners. Other than that, I'm ready to go. Where do I sign up?

SHORTS
Persian Yoda

Mehrdad Aref-Adib

I 've watched all the six episodes of Star Wars with
my six year old son recenty. I told him that his
favourite character Master Yoda, like all the other
Jedis, is Persian. To prove my point I showed him this
picture of a Persian cat
.

SHORTS
Esspelling mistakes

Parham

I propose that from now on my hardline compatriots, instead of setting fire to Western embassies, try pissing on them. This will not only be more culture-specific as compared to the actions of other nations, but given all the spelling mistakes the brothers and sisters usually make while exposing their emotions to the world media, the least is they could claim they're making this world a more pissful place.

SHORTS
You cheap bastards
Siamack Baniameri

President George W. Bush has asked Congress to authorize an extra $75 million to help the United States spur democracy in Iran [News]. I'm thinking a $75 million translates to a dollar for every Iranian, which means each Iranian is worth a lousy $1 to America. Considering 30% annual inflation in Iran, and the annual 17% increase in cost of living, that $1 per person will be worth 50 cents by the time Congress authorizes the $75 million. Well, thank you very much, you cheap bastards. As an Iranian, I will not give you a discount -- not today. So, contact me when you increase the freedom money to at least $5 a person. And in addition, I would like a company car and a signing bonus.

SHORTS
At least sweeten the pot
Guive Mirfendereski

Further to Siamack Baniameri's lamentation about the paltry sum offered by the Bush Administration to spread democracy in Iran ($1 per Iranian) [News], I should first note that Operation Ajax that returned the Shah to the throne spent upward of $3 per Iranian and, secondly, I should request that the Administration at least sweeten the pot by throwing in a good†number of virgins as well. Thank you.

SHORTS
Root of all the world's troubles

Peyvand Khorsandi

What is nuclear ambition? In the conventional sense, “what” is a word that one puts in a sentence. Of course, the same can be said of most other words - such as most, other and words - and indeed “and”; and while we're at it “indeed”.
But “what” in conventional usage tends to precipitate inquiry, whereas other words mean what they say. To “What is the meaning of 'what'?” the listener might respond: “I don't know what you mean.” 
It is clearly the word “what” and not religion that is the root of all the world's troubles.

SHORTS
My lost friend

Peyvand Khorsandi

Up a mountain, I saw a goat. I said: “Goat, will you be my friend?” The goat said no.
Then I saw a donkey. I said: “Donkey, will you be my friend?” No, said the Donkey.
I looked to the sky and said: “Clouds, will you be my friend?” It started pissing down.
Then came a Republican. He said: “Hey. I'll be your friend.”
I said: “Get lost, mate.”

SHORTS
Who and what am I?

Sia Abadani

A little about myself, I had a Ph.D. in satellite communications and in 1991 I lived in Boston and as the War was going on in the Gulf! I and 3 more Iranies like me the best in business drove to Washington DC our Embassy in Pakistani place and offered our services to Mullah to let us go to Gulf with our laptop computer and we are capable of hacking Saddam's plane communication system an cause lots of problem and confusions as they? will suspect their equipments and going back to their base for trouble shooting which buy Irani air force some extra time, same time Reza Pahlavi asking to go to fly for Iran they kicked us out of Embassy, saying they do not need spies and driving back in snow mad at the world we were hit by a truck from back and 2 in the back seat died on spot and driver are in the wheelchair unable to move an I was the 4th lucky one as they say I had a brain injury everything wiped out and now disable in Florida waiting for death daily! I will never be seen as an American and Irani calls me spy, who and what am I?

SHORTS
Huntington's hunch

Omid Parsi

To the extent that one can call the general wretchedness of the muslim world a "civilization", my hat goes off to Samuel P. Huntington for having foreseen this conflict in his prophetic 1993 treatise titled "Clash of Civilizations." I cannot help but suspect that the outpouring of Islamic rage and intolerance on the basic freedom of expression in the West is the tip of an ugly iceberg that assorted head-in-the-sand liberal apeaseniks and apologists have tried hard to dismiss and ignore. (See the late Edward Said's attempt at refuting Huntington) Still, let's all hope that somehow Huntington turns out to be wrong ...

SHORTS
Programmed to perform poorly

Peyvand Khorsandi

I was playing World Cup soccer on a games console. I picked Iran as my team against the advice of friends. I didn't believe, when told, that my players were programmed to perform poorly. Sure enough, my Mahdavikia and Ali Daei might as well have not turned up. It was as if they had been shot in the head in Grand Theft Auto and stumbled into another game. I was disconsolate.

SHORTS
Holy cow!

Live Life

A glimpse into the future
London, JULY 2006, (APP) -- Religious fervor has spread from Muslims to Hindus. Worldwide Hindus are setting fire to restaurants and fast food chains to show their anger over the consumption of cows by the rest of humanity. India has cut ties with most countries. Riots around the world have caused many deaths and caused millions of dollars in damages. When asked by London police why he had smashed the head of a British man who had just finished eating a Big Mac, Raj Kumar replied: "He was eating my uncle."

SHORTS
Daily reflections

Siamack Baniameri

I married an Iranian activist, who was sentenced to be stoned to death, so she could stay in the US and escape Islamic Republic's wrath. She filed for divorce and moved back to Iran after she met my mom.

SHORTS
Short fuse

Peyvand Khorsandi

Self-congratulatory “secular' columnists have rushed to attack “Muslim” reaction to a few piss-poor cartoons in the Danish press. One on this site is prepared to die to defend freedom of speech, while writing under a pseudonym! Firstly, those who burn down embassies do not represent all Muslims. It is moronic to present Islam as a unified entity, as the press is doing -- and Iranian bloggers, of whatever political hue should know better.

Secondly, in a world where any critic of Israel risks being branded as “anti-semitic”, aggrieved Muslims have a case for double standards. It is a fact that you will not see generalisations made about Muslims and Arabs, in the media applying to any other people with such frequency. Should the cartoonist have drawn a picture of the prophet's turban as a bomb? Of course, but using wit -- something the cartoonist lacked -- he could have drawn one that didn't actually go off.

As for the braying mobs, someone should say to them, badbakhtaa bereen be kaaretoon bereseen, na be kaarton!

SHORTS
Nazi and the cleric

Peyvand Khorsandi

Nick Griffin, fuhrer of the British National[-Socialist] Party, was cleared yesterday of inciting racial hatred. The prosecution had presented footage taken by a BBC journalist where he had slammed Islam in a small pub meeting as a religion that proliferates using rape - nothing wrong with that, it's his job. Yet the Beeb continues to refer to the BNP as “far right” rather than Nazi - do its news producers dispute fact that the BNP is a Nazi organisation? This might explain why the broadcaster was so surprised by Griffin's frankly mild rants about Muslims. Meanwhile, an Islamo-fascist called Abu Hamza awaits the jury's verdict for soliciting others to murder Jews. The press have got it right by portraying Hamza as a nutter - not too difficult with his hook for a hand. But Griffin, with his Newsnight slots is becoming more and more the respectable politician - and he's not even an MP. Observe similarities: Both men defend freedom of speech, are in their mid-forties, hate on a professional basis -and have one eye. Yet one tends to get off the hook more.

SHORTS
Daily reflections

Siamack Baniameri

I felt inadequate by the small size of Persian pickles on display at the grocery store. I asked the manager to remove them from the shelf immediately. That was not the image I wanted the world to see. I later changed my mind when I saw that Indian pickles were even smaller.

SHORTS
Huntington's hunch

Omid Parsi

To the extent that one can call the general wretchedness of the muslim world a "civilization", my hat goes off to Samuel P. Huntington for having foreseen this conflict in his prophetic 1993 treatise titled "Clash of Civilizations." I cannot help but suspect that the outpouring of Islamic rage and intolerance on the basic freedom of expression in the West is the tip of an ugly iceberg that assorted head-in-the-sand liberal apeaseniks and apologists have tried hard to dismiss and ignore. (See the late Edward Said's attempt at refuting Huntington) Still, let's all hope that somehow Huntington turns out to be wrong ...

SHORTS
Programmed to perform poorly

Peyvand Khorsandi

I was playing World Cup soccer on a games console. I picked Iran as my team against the advice of friends. I didn't believe, when told, that my players were programmed to perform poorly. Sure enough, my Mahdavikia and Ali Daei might as well have not turned up. It was as if they had been shot in the head in Grand Theft Auto and stumbled into another game. I was disconsolate.

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