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The right breast
One breast better than no breast? I don't think so

February 6, 2004

Like many of my fellow Super Bowl viewers, I was exposed to Janet Jackson's right breast. It was there staring at me--nothing I could do but to stare back. The right breast didn't do much for me. Maybe if it was accompanied by her other half--the left breast--they would have made a better impression.

The right breast kind of fell out and said hello without a warning. I don't like surprises. I like a little heads up to get ready. Maybe comb my hair and adjust my shirt. What motivated that I'm not sure. I guess the right breast needed the spotlight, maybe some fresh air, or maybe it just needed to come out and take a quick peek at the show.

But I couldn't help feeling sorry for the left breast. The left breast was simply left out. The left breast was squeezed inside the medieval bra and suffocating. It was ignored and never got a chance to express itself. I felt for it. It was a sad moment. I could hear it saying, "What about me. Hay, you forgot me. Hay, Justin ... me ... let me out, you fucker."

But I'm sure there was a reason Janet picked the right breast over the left one. Maybe the right breast looks better than the left one. Maybe it was misbehaving that day. Maybe the left breast is too shy and couldn't stand the pressure. Or maybe it was simply the right-breast-kind-of-a-night. Who knows?

At the same time, I also felt kind of sorry for the right breast. They immediately stopped the show and the poor thing didn't even get a chance to stretch its legs. I would have been pissed off if I was the right breast, wouldn't you? It was inhumane to tease the poor thing like that. You don't let the breast out for a second and then tell it, "sorry, that's all the time you get. Gotta go back in." The right breast didn't even have time for a proper introduction. It was humiliated in front of millions of viewers. Only a few seconds of fame. That blows.

Some people were offended by the whole thing. I happened to be one of them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was not very happy with the whole one breast stunt. Like many other viewers, I felt cheated. I thought the moment was rushed and I felt it was done half-ass. I like things done right.

It was like paying for a peep show and the dancer only exposes half of her butt cheek, or buying a car with only one headlight. Or paying for a boxing match only to find out that each boxer is missing an arm. What's that all about? If you're gonna do it, do it right. Put some heart in it and make it real.

I asked the opinion of a friend who happens to be an authority on the subject. If you must know, he is a plastic surgeon who performs breast augmentations every day. With a concerned look on his face, my friend said if this becomes a trend his income will be cut to half.

Another friend who also happens to be an authority on the subject is troubled. If you must know, he frequents nudie bars and he told me that if this becomes a trend, instead of his usual one dollar tip per dance he will start leaving only fifty cents.

Some people my say I should quit whining. One breast is better than no breast. I'm sorry but I don't agree. This has nothing to do with Janet's body parts. It's the principle. This is bad television and I feel I was short changed by CBS.

I wish I could just let it go but it's not easy. One has to stand for certain values. CBS and MTV announced that they "fully apologize for the stunt." I think they should partly apologize. If Janet showed both breasts then they should "fully" apologize but for one breast, full apology is a bit too much. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting. Who knows?

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By Siamack Baniameri




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