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Satire

Oral thoughts
Responses to news about oral sex/mouth cancer link

February 27, 2004
iranian.com

Rome is burning. This is the beginning of the end. We are all doomed. Armageddon has arrived. There is no reason to live. Nothing good would ever last.

These thoughts are going through my mind as I read the email a friend sent a while back.

No, the subject of the email had nothing to do with elections, reformers, politics, the economy, loss of jobs, Iraq war, Middle East conflict, or any other boring subject.

The email contained the results of a research conducted by a British health organization with devastating conclusions. According to the research, "Oral sex is shown to be linked to mouth cancer"!

The researchers have concluded that, "Oral sex can lead to oral tumors" and "both cunnilingus and fellatio can infect people's mouths." [News here]

Like any healthy heterosexual man I'm devastated. Linking oral sex to mouth cancer is upsetting for any man whose highlight of the day is to have his Ferrari pass through the carwash for a moment or two.

But I was curious to know what other people thought of this research and how the results will affect people's sexual behavior. I wanted to get a feel of people's reaction -- both men and women

Through years of writing for Iranian.com and other publications, I have managed to gather a great number of emails. This database contains hundreds of email addresses of people who have responded to my articles. Some have given me love and many others have wished that I end up in a ditch and die a slow death.

A few days ago, I sent a random to some of the people in my email list and asked for their opinion. Within few hours, my mailbox was flooded with replies. Some funny, some nasty, and some plain hilarious. I would like to share some of these emails with you folks:

Dear Sir,

I really don't care about this topic. The last time I got oral sex from my wife, Ronald Regan was president.

***
Siamack,

Please do not send this shit to my email box. I have more important things to do to read this crap.

PS. I hope you get mouth cancer you c__sucker.

***

I'm married and I don't worry about it. Sometimes I wish the wife would get mouth cancer and shut up for a change.

***

Siamack,

Do not forward this article to my girlfriend.

***

You are the most disgusting individual. How dare you disgrace women. I hope men like you never get oral sex.

***

It's a conspiracy by lesbians and/or feminists. I don't buy it.

***

In the world where millions are dying of heart attack and aids, what kind of asshole will fund a research like this? Don't these scientists have anything better to do?

***

Siamak,

I'm getting married to a wonderful Iranian man next week and I don't have to worry about giving another b__j__for the rest of my life.

***

Siamack,

Please don't send junk mail. My father has mouth cancer and I don't think he has ever given anyone a b__j__... I hope.

***

When reading this article, ask yourself:

1) Was I part of this study?

2) If I was, in which group was I tested in?

3) Didn't a report come out 6 months ago indicating that this practice promoted healthy living, good dental hygiene, as well as preveneting heart attack?

***

That explains why she never called back!!!!!

***

This is not good. How come nobody comes up with a report demonstrating that oral sex is good for women like the Atkins diet?

***

They already have a cure for this cancer: it's called anal sex.

***

As a scientist, I disagree with this research. Any decent researcher can tell you that research has to be conducted in a controlled environment. The data would be valid only if all research subjects were prostitutes who engaged in the act of oral sex at least five or six times a day and majority of them ended up with mouth cancer. The mentioned prostitues need to be nonsmokers and lead a clean life!

***

Who volunteered for this?

***

Siamack,

You are the grossest individual. I hate men. All you guys think about is pleasing your d___s. I want to throw up when I see thing like this.

***

Dear sir,

Do not send filthy material like this to my email address. My children also have access to this address and can open your junk. Next time send your nasty emails to my new address: --------@cox.net

***

Thank you for sending this to me. I can't wait to show it to my husband.

***

I swear I only did it once. I'll see a doctor tomorrow.

***

Siamack,

This research is bullshit. I'm the queen of oral sex and the mouth is doing just fine.

Thanks for asking.

***

Mr. Baniameri,

You are a sick individual who obviously suffers from lack of morality and Christian values. I recommend seeing Mel Gibson's The Passion. It might open your eyes.

***

Simack,

Do not pollute the information superhighway with your filth. I never ask my girlfriend for oral sex because I have too much respect for her. Anal sex, that's whole different story.

***

Be nazar miyaad khodet khaily vaaredi.

***

Forget mouth cancer, I'm worried about nose and ear cancer.

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