How to score
Opening my brother-in-law's eyes to the world of girls
March 28, 2003
It's been a fun week. Navdeep, my 12-year-old brother-in-law, is on his half term
break and staying with us for the duration. He is discovering girls for the first
time and determined to learn everything he can about how to woo, sweet talk and eventually
kiss them. For some reason (possibly because I talk openly about the subject) he
looks upon me as his tutor.
-- "Can you kiss Varinder on the mouth please so I can see how you do it?"
he asks sweetly.
-- "Don't be so disgusting, Navdeep and you, Siamack, can stay where you
are!" Snaps Varinder before I can approach her for a French kiss.
-- "The poor Kid is only trying to learn what comes naturally at his age,"
Varinder glares back at both of us before looking the other way in disgust.
So I have made it my mission to open his eyes to the world of girls. The good thing
is that he is into older pretty girls - 16 years and older. If we are driving somewhere
he will spy a pretty girl, draw my attention to her and ask me to score her out of
10. This has become such a fun sport that we have persuaded Varinder to take part
too. At first reluctant, she became so absorbed that rows took place about fair scoring
and how women pushing prams, with children and/or husbands could not be included.
Only women walking by themselves were fair game and score-able.
Before the women's rights contingent among you send waves of emails, I have made
a point - believe me I have - of being balanced with my scoring. I have made sure
that he recognizes beauty is only skin deep and people's personalities are what really
make them beautiful. That said, we have created the following rule: "N scoring
ugly, fat chicks who smoke cigarettes."
We continued this game on-line by visiting hotornot.com.
Hours have been spent pouring over the pictures and I myself have submitted a photo
for scoring. It was while we had left Navdeep on his own with the laptop that I noticed
he was no longer on the same site. I could make out pictures of big chested wome
in provocative poses.
-- "What are you doing chimpy?"
-- "I don't think this site is suitable for someone your age."
-- "Yes it is," he replied
A closer look revealed he was visiting the WWF wrestling site. None of the women
were bare chested and they all looked very masculine and muscular.
-- "Nav, these women look awful."
-- "Why?" He seemed genuinely surprised.
-- "Well... look at their muscles and jaw bones."
-- "Their boobs are all fake."
I explained, using the photos as examples, that real breasts did not
look like tightly stretched balloons. It dawned on me that his 12-year-old mind had
already been programmed to believe that artificial looking boobs were the norm.
For the rest of his stay he has shown me pictures (none were bare chested) and asked
me if they look real or not. Now, nearing the end of his stay, he is averaging an
8 out of 10 accuracy score in real breast identification.
One of the things he is being constantly told off about by his older sister is his
farting. He may be only 12, but already he can fart to order at a moment's notice.
What is more, the fart can be extremely smelly. So I warned him. I challengd him
to dare to fart one more time. And when he did before running out of the room, I
resolved to teach him lesson he would not forget.
The next day, I took him completely by surprise. He was totally absorbed with the
XBox - tongue sticking out and eyes wide - when I walked over to hem, turned around
and farted at him loudly. For an instant he looked stunned. Then I saw his nostrils
twitch before he dropped his controller and ran in the adjoining room covering his
nose and mouth. He was beginning to look very upset. He started to smell his shirt.
-- "My mum washed these just the other day" he squeaked pitifully.
-- "Gorgeous I didn't poo on your clothes, I just farted on them. And now
you know what it's like."
am sad to report that he never 'got' the lesson and he is still farting like he owns
His favourite Xbox game is 'Splinter Cell'. After Varinder goes to bed at around
10pm, Nav and I sit down to play 'til very late. Occasionally, I leave the room to
get myself a drink and return to find that he has stopped playing. Reason? Splinter
Cell is a scary game for someone his age to play alone. So we play together - huddled
up against any surprises - and directing the mission of our agent through the CIA
I feel extremely protective towards my brother-in-law. I tuck him into bed and leave
a small light on incase he gets up in the middle of the night (he has nightmares
about Michael Jackson chasing him). I educate him about the female gender and try
to reverse any lasting damage to his sense of good & bad; real & fake by
pointing out the differences. In turn he is making me into a more tolerant, centered
This is all good training for becoming a dad some day.
Does this article have spelling or other mistakes? Tell
me to fix it.