ENERGY

Let's face it the battle lines between Iran and the US over Iran's alleged pursuit of a nuclear weapon, are about as thin as the hair on Khamenei's Ghormeh Sabzi smelling head.

But until the day when Iran announces it though, we'll never actually know.

Actually now that I think about it, even then, we won't ever know. I mean even if they showed us a, iPhone or Android taken 3DHD video or even an 8 megapixel picture taken by an iPad(2) or Motorola Xoom (x pronounced z), of a tall donkey (or camel?) phallus shaped missile with a radioactive symbol painted alongside the Allah-O-Akbar on it, with that ominous James Bond film-looking black and white pointy tip, does that really mean it's a nuke?

Which unfortunately now raises the question, why are all missiles shaped like dicks?

Wait, did I just write that out loud?

For all we know, the dick - I mean missile being displayed, could have been made at one of those south Tehran Joosh-Karis, where the people from North Tehran go to get their family initials monogrammed in elaborate Western fonts, onto those fancy iron driveway gates and fences for their villas.

Maybe welded by hand by a guy called Hassan Agha Jooshkar. With blood shot eyes because he doesn't like to use a welder's mask. And he probably is a real short guy, but with a big black mustache and looks like Mario without a hat, and he's balding, smells like gasoline, with a half smoken filterless cigarette dangling from the side of his mouth. And he has like 8 kids, and his wife Mina wears a chador, but a white one, in a faint saffron-smelling floral print, the fold held seductively sideways, between her bottom lip and top teeth, rhythmically loosening and tightening about her body as she walks to buy a nice Sangak for Hassan, with each step hinting the shape of her ample bosom and wide hips, torturing the shop keepers on her way, like the sweet moan of the mullah in a far away minaret, calling the faithful to prayer.

But I digress, and I'm just being a romantic. Or a pervert, your choice. I think we can all now agree, chadors don't actually work.

But what I really mean is, we'll never really know, until we really know, if you know what I mean.

So I'm officially done worrying about it. I also take my lead on what to worry about vis-a-visa from NIAC. I mean if NIAC is shitting bricks about the MEK getting (more) US government funding, and Iranian students getting longer tourist visas, why on earth should I worry about Iran's pursuit of nuclear "energy"?

So I won't.

Instead let us talk about one bright spot in the universe we know as Iran shall we?

To paraphrase the famous, but not yet deceased 21st century Iranian poet, painter, scientist, chef, self recorded porn-star, weight-loss through yoghurt guru and socially networked philosopher, Omid Djalili, "...[our] part of the world is famous for 2 things, phlegm, and oil. And we are running out of oil". We most certainly seem to have an abundance of natural gas too.

Indeed Iran has the 2nd largest proven reserves of natural gas. As my many chest-shivering friends from Khuzestan can certainly attest to this from their own experience, having grown up near the "Ateesha" or in Agha Jari, where gas flows like wine, but then with the added effect of burning into hot orange shooting flames, right out of the ground.

But do you know all you can about natural gas? Because Iran has an obscene lot of it.

Here are a few facts you might want to consider as you perform your "patriotic duty" and line up like every good Iranian should do, and vote for (mostly) fun and prophet, in the next Iranian election:

Natural gas is abundant in Iran. At reserves of over 1,045 Trillion cubic feet, at current capacity, if Iran switched the remaining 25% of it's power plants (18% from Oil, 7% from hydro-electric) to Natural Gas (75% of Iran's current power plants run on natural gas), Iran would only have enough power for about 55,528,301.886792452830189 years. So it's clearly not enough. Hence Iran desperately needs nuclear energy. Why else?

Because Iranians are obviously known to be some of the most frugal and efficient people on earth (based on a recent Costco survey and hence the continued arguments with Israel), natural gas also has a high energy-efficiency, or ability to convert over 60% of the Gas burned in a generator into electricity.

In comparison, coal converts less than 34%. Oil is better than Coal but only about 40% of Oil converts into electricity when you burn it, instead of rural women accused of adultery.

As a fuel that burns to make electricity (Oil, Coal, used Mollah turbans), natural gas also burns cleaner than any fuel, emitting 70% less CO2 than coal and oil.

If used in transportation such as cars and buses and trucks, factor in a further reduction of over 90% less automobile emissions and smog, or what Tehranis call, Hava.

So natural gas is certainly one good alternative fuel source that Iran can switch over more to.

Nuclear is hard to gauge because the amount of energy you get out of it depends on how "enriched" it is. The more enriched your radioactive fuel, the more electricity you can get out of it.

This is probably why Iran and the rest of the world are so concerned about Iran's level of "enrichment". Probably.

But Nuclear is also far cheaper in cost. Well, not if you factor the high cost of paying the Russians to build one for you. And the potential environmental and humanitarian disaster risks like Japan recently experienced is nothing to worry about, because it's not like Russia has ever built a faulty nuclear power plant.

OK except for Chernobyl that exploded in 1986 and 35 years later is still glowing. And only 56 people died in the Chernobyl accident.

OK sure, 27,000 cases of child and adolescent cancers have been recorded, and huge increases in birth defects and a 10,000% increase in the number of Down's Syndrome births, but come on who doesn't love a cute Down's Syndrome kid. Especially those tough looking feisty ones.

OK, so 800,000 hectares of agricultural land and 700,000 hectares of forest had to be removed and essentially paved over in concrete. Paving and concrete-pouring jobs are good jobs.

It's not like Natanz has any agriculture or forest or concrete-pouring jobs, or an unnatural abundance of Down's Syndrome kids.

Let's face it, it's not like there are that many people any of us know or care about in Natanz anyway. Even if by some remote, random, sheer chance of an unlikely one in a million shot that an Israeli or any other super power nation's covert attack could somehow magically happen, and there might, might, might, be a tiny small nuclear accident in Natanz, it will probably just be good for the local economy.

And Fuck 'em, they should have moved.

So with all the natural gas Iran has. Enough to keep Iranians in the light (but sadly not enlightened) literally forever. And even though it is the safest, most efficient, and earth-friendly fuel ever found so far, I hope after this, that you can finally now see that there is absolutely No Way that Iran would ever be after a nuclear weapon.

I mean, come on, what's the next conspiracy theory? World domination through spreading outdated deity worship cultism, masked as a viable alternative political-economic system, through intimidation and secret financial support of state sponsored international terrorism?

Next thing you'll be telling me there is no such thing as Amoo NoRooz!