Ali P.

Uh ....Regrets

Don’t take a chance of loosing the one who is precious to you :)

Moving

Dear Ali P.

Bebakhshid yek kami deer ressidam be mehmooni :-)

Still, I wanted to say how much your piece moved me, and it did not give me the impression you are a particularly dark or depressed person.  In fact, your hilarious comments on other blogs (why oh why  would you hate Ali P. ? for example) show what a humorous, fun loving person you are.  Reading this piece, and the subsequent comments in which you give a little bit of your background, make me realize also what a strong person you are: A Survivor!

Anyways, all this to say how much I enjoyed this other side of you.  I really love the repetition which gives the article a rhythm, like a poem, and the clean, crisp use of language.  It is hard to write so beautifully and concisely and succeed in evoking thousands of feelings in the reader.  It's the opposite of the verbose and flowery language where, metaphor upon metaphor, often in the end, it says nothing.  (I know, I am guilty of that bad writing LOL)

You are fast becoming one of my favorite writers on this site.

Best to you and yours!

Niki

...

LoL ... Ali i was just kiddin,nothing else ... God bless you :=) .

Ali P. responds

   I appreciate everyone who read, or responded to my blog. I may have come across a little more depressed , as I really am. Quite a few regrets are those that many non-immigrant people also may have. It's done, and over with and there is not much you can do about it, but to learn from them and move on. My Iran of 26 years ago is history, and exists only in my memory, and the minds of those of my generation. I won't find it, even if I make a trip there. I , sadly, know that. 

IRANdokht: Last thing I intented to do, was make you cry dear. Thank you very much for the poem. In exchange, I'll send you the "money money money" lyrics :-)  ( But if you were one of us, bacheh-haa-yeh bad, you should I already know it!)

Anonymouse: Thanks for the advise. I am aware of the recent relaxation of restrictions on travel to Iran, but I have my own reasons for not going there; at least yet.

Tahirih: Kind words as usual. I know Bahaii's have an issue with Amir Kabir, questioning his role in the massacre of Babian movement, and I can understand that. We can discuss it some other time. I do thank you for your comment.

Saeed K.: Ain't that the truth??! It's never too late to start : Always be the last one to let go of a hug.

AnonymousDoost( Raad):Sepasgozar for your comment. I am glad you have dealt with this sorrow, and have come to terms with your identity. We shall overcome brother.

Rosie T.:I totally agree. Your prespective as a non-Iranian is very interesting and appealing to me. Please keep writing. Thank You.

Abarmard: I thank you my friend. Regret is an old emotion because it comes only upon reflection. I am glad I have these regrets. I do not want to be the same person I was 26 years ago; just like I do not want to be the same person, 26 years from now.

 Ali Parsa-another Ali P! : With that name, you must be a very cool guy! Thank you for your post. The truth is, although I was a teenager(16 years old), I did spend some time in Iran's notorious Evin prison. In addition, I left illegally, and have not made an attempt to cover my identity over the years, in any anti-government demonstration or gathering abroad. My immidiate family is also out. There is a very slim chance of me being in any kind of trouble with the IRI, but I do not wish to take any chances. Last time I was far more innocent than I am today, and it took them some time to sort things out, while I was sitting in jail. I'd rather wait, and visit a free Iran.

To Faribors Maleknasri M.D.: I am glad this brought back memories of your childhood. Malek-ol-shoaraa is indeed a great poet. I have his "Damavand", and may post it here some day for you. Thanks.

To: Mehdi A. : Maybe it is the distance, or the lenght of time, that you build up such a great, rosy picture of Iran in your mind, and when you go, you come back disappointed.I have had friends, who went back for a visit after decades, looking for the Iran they left behind, and never find it. I have a glorified image of Iran in my mind. The ugly, bitter memories, have faded away, or pushed out of the way, and the sweet, innocent memory of those days have surfaced. Part of the reason of me not going back- I hate to admit- is the fear of losing that feeling, that Iran is the greatest place on earth. I'd like to keep believing this.

 Thank you very much for your comment, doosteh aziz.

To: feshangi: Haalaa hay maa ro hol bedeh bereem haa! Vasvasamoon nakon! I'd like to hear about your experience before, during and after your trip, after 18 years. Maybe you can write about it here some day. Looking forward to it, and thanks for the comment.

To majid: doosteh aziz: I received your email. I'll write you back soon. I merely mentioned that I have not been back in 26 years. Everyone drew their own conclusions. We should talk, and we will. Thanks.

To RedWine: Doosteh aziz, I do not remember ever claiming such a huge title as "Iraan-shenaas" for myself. I consider myself a student of Iranian history, with much interest, and tons of questions. I have this nasty habit of asking for proof, and citation, before swallowing something that has been presented to me as a fact. Unfortunately, lack of this habit is prevalent not only among us, beesavaadhaa, but among you "intellectuals" as well. Thanks for taking the time to read, and reply, to my blog.

To: n.zanincanadai: Fellow-ghorbati: Just what the doctor ordered:  On the PC, Iranian.com, of course,reading the latest n.zanincanadai and others' comments, a glass of wine,Dariush's "baraadar-jaan"(especially the old version with khes-khes in the background)..."soltaan eh jahaanam beh cheneen rooz gholaamast..." Thanks for the recommandation :-)

To Nazy Kaviani: What a splended pleasure to hear from you dear Nazy. I know much of the work of this great site is done by you, and you all are doing a wonderful job. As I mentioned earlier, I merely expressed the regrets I have in life, now that I am in my early 40's; maybe it is part of that 'midlife crisis' everyone talks about. For example, I do not know if things were any different if I had stayed back home; I still would have regretted not visiting my grandparents enough, or the way we treated animals. I am sure I am not alone when I look back, having  those regrets, not believing what a bunch of stupid, ignorant, bacheh-haa-yeh bad, we were . But, as you put it so nicely,"zendegee aabtanee kardan dar hozcheh eh aknoon ast..." and ...

I am ready to swim :-)

I very much appreciate your comment.

Perhaps because I'm not Iranian...

or at least because I'm not an Iranian in the WEST...I have a different take on things from most of these posters..I think you wrote a beautiful poem.  I think your sense of nostalgia and regret are universal.  I think they are part of the human conditon.

I think we are finite and it is our nature to wish to be infinite.  I think we are bonded and it is our nature to wish to be unbound.I think there are many ways to express this and I think your poem expressed it wonderuflly well. We have regret about the past because we want to be MORE than we were.

We are ALL exiles and we ALL want to go home no matter where we live,  Home is somewhere ELSE because it's MORE than what we are.  

Yeah, sure, go have a drink, visit Iran.  But what does that have to do with wishing you hadn't hurt dogs, or your grandparents, or people who were suffering from discrimination? And most especially your maid,  What does that have to do with wishing you'd done MORE?  I liked it very much.

Gloom and Doom, Doom and Gloom!

Dear Ali P.:

Why are you so hard on yourself? You know plenty now! You have grown and learned and experienced so much in the years since 1982, and what you didn't learn and see before 1982 matters little now. You are obviously a very good Iranian, attentive and interested and inquisitive, reading and learning all the time. You are one of the kindest and most civilized members of this community, judging by your considerate and thoughtful comments and your interest in what others have to say and show here!

All of us were ignorant Iranians when we were younger and have come to appreciate Iran's poetry, arts, geography and history more as we are aging, caring about its future. That is in the very nature of life and growth, no matter where people come from. It is infinitely more feasible and valuable to be a caring and considerate citizen of our world when we are adults than if we were the same when we were children, whether or not such a thing was even possible! Adults can do a lot more than children can, needless to say. I continue doing things now, as what's passed is in the past. As Sohrab Sepehri says:

 زندگی آبتنی کردن در حوضچهء اکنون است....

Fellow ghorbati, listen to

Fellow ghorbati, listen to some daryoush's Baradar Jan and drink some wine. You'll get over it for a few days. Repeat the pattern when the feeling comes back.

...

loool... In hamun ali aghast keh miad az ma kolli irad migireh engari keh irun shenaseh,ha ? hehehe

Mr. P man!

I didn't see anywhere in your writing that you have intentions to go back and having a problem to do so! Is that the case?

If so, I as well as many others have stories of how we did it, and I  think our stories will encourage you to do so.

I'll write you an e-mail 

Nostalgia is like dark

Nostalgia is similar to dark chocolate. They both are bittersweet, and too much of each is not good for you.  Too much time spent longing for the past takes one away from the realities of living NOW. 

I agree with a lot of the suggestions already made.  One trip to Iran will bring back so many emotions that you will not believe. You will catch up with a lot of the things that you may feel you have lost or missed out on. The trip will energize and rejuvenate you.  I took such a trip some years back after 18 years of being away. It was the best thing I did for myself in years.

Go for it dear Ali. 

Feshangi

Go back and enjoy yourself !!!

If you miss Iran so much you should go back regardless of your ideological affiliation... but somehow, I gather that what you're yearning for is a return to your past. Nostalgia is a powerful human emotion that many of us share.

(nice blog though)

Bacheh-eh Bad

بلبل پر بسته ز
کنج قفس درا

نغمه آزادی نوع
بشر سرا

My mother used to sing these tow "bayts". Only these tow. In that time i was too young to be able to ask her to sing for me all the poem. later, as I was able to search by my own for the complete poem i had a big probleem: I did not know where I had to search and for what. After so many years, now I get indirectly a little help from a bacheh-eh Bad.
if this bacheh-he bad had not existed, if it had not missed so many usefull apportunities at home, if it were a Bacheh-he Khub.... if .... if... and if somebody had not made a joke calling the chile of once bijan and had not sent all the story with "Naghme ye Azadi", so I dont know how i could have gotten the poem i am searching for since years and the name of the poet. Very little I could learn about Malek ol shoara in the school. Very much I like him and I respect him. Does any body have the full text of Div E Sefide PA Y DAR BAND...? I would like to download and print it for me. The Naghme ye Azadi I have downloaded allready, I print it later. Greeting

What are you afraid of?

I used to feel the same way for about ten years before fining out that my concerns were baseless and in vain. In fact your concerns for not visiting your homeland could be interpreted as your honest attempt to seek comfort by sharing them with us. The only plausible reason for not wanting to visit Iran is having had an anti-government stand, but if you left Iran in your teens that seems to be out of question. Moreover, your writings indicate that you are a level-headed young man with a sincere and neutral stance on issues. If I am right, then please consider hopping a plane and visiting Iran. Believe me, as a sensitive and logical person you will find that the visit will do miracles in the area of mind-body relationship and physical and mental health. The move will be one of the best therapeutic steps you have ever taken in your life.

Ali jan

Most of your regrets are based on ideologies and concepts. You have gained that, which is far more advanced than many who still have not come close to this realization.

Maahi raa har vaght az aab begiri taazast.

Cheers my friend

Tahirih, you wrote:

"I guess I realized that you do not have to be close to be with her(Iran)."

 Love is like water, darling.  You don't have to drink it to bathe in it.

Rosie

Ali P Jaan,

Motshaker, Sepasgozar va Mamnoon,

You have me in tears, thank you for reaching in
and speaking your mind and letting the world know your pain.

I feel the first step is to recognize one's feeling and then work on healing.

I too felt the same way when I left Iran in 1984
but now I have come to feel comfortable in my own skin and as an Iranian-American.

I have developed very positive feelings for my adopted homeland, the US, and have tried to keep the things I like from my Iranian homeland.

I will always not feel totaly at home either
here in the US or there in Iran.

This process has also helped me gain something very valuable, a strong sense of self and individuality.

Getting there was not easy but worth the journey.

Dadash Kuchikat,

Raad

Friends and Family

I should have hugged them warmer, harder and longer,and more often, and I didn't.

Ali p,I used to feel sad on my aniversary too, but....

Iran is in our heart ,just know that there are lots of people right now there that they do not love it. We are here so far and Iran is in our soul.I have been so depressed for the first 15 yrs ,then something changed .I guess I realized that you do not have to be close to be with her(Iran).

I liked all your list and I am mostly as guilty as you and had most of your regrets, except please not the AMIR KABIR!!!,he was not as great as they portray him.Also being a female I did not throw rocks at dogs,but saw you guys doing it and did not say anything!!

Sir, I just found this link for you ,Happy aniversary, mine is June 23rd,83.And have not been back yet.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-tu3DDwiZI

Sincerely,

Tahirih

So go back and visit

If you have passport problems it can be solved.  Many people have gotten their passports after 30 years and went back for a visit.

Some of the stuff you missed aren't that big of a deal. Like reading more books and less TV? TV was much better than it is now.

Last name of your maid? she mentioned it, you just don't remember it.

Picture of Amir Kabir instead of James Dean? What's the difference?

'Persian Literature' class? for whom? kharejeeha?

'Morgh-e sahar" instead of ABBA? what's the difference?

Social discrimination? when?

Enjoying days spent in vatan? you had fun otherwise you would not have these regrets.

:0) ...ناله کم کن

علی پی جان

اشکم رو دراوردی به خدا

این هم شعر مرغ سحر

مرغ سحر ناله سر کن

داغ مرا تازه تر کن

ز آه شرر بار ، این قفس را

بر شکن و زیر زبر کن

بلبل پر بسته ز
کنج قفس درا

نغمه آزادی نوع
بشر سرا

وزنفسی عرصه این خاک توده را

پر شرر
کن

ظلم ظالم ، جور صیّاد

آشیانم ، داده بر باد

ای خدا ، ای فلک ، ای طبیعت

شام تاریک ما را سحر کن !

نو بهار است ، گل به بار است

ابر چشمم ، ژاله بار است

این قفس ، چون دلم ، تنگ و تار است .

شعله فکن در قفس ای آه آتشین

دست طبیعت گل عمر مرا مچین !

جانب عاشق نگه ای تازه گل ، از این

بیشتر کن ! بیشتر کن ! بیشتر کن !

مرغ بیدل ، شرح هجران ،

مختصر ، مختصر کن
!

شعر از : ملک الشعراء بهار

IRANdokht