Sic Semper Tyrannis

Much manufactured outrage has been pouring on this and other sites over the denial of the sale of an Apple product to an Iranian citizen at a Georgia Apple store. Of course, none of the practitioners of these chivalrous acts of chest beating has addressed the roots of the problem, and the reasons why Iranians are treated like dirt around the world. So, in order to make this as easy and painless as possible, I have devised a five point “how to” manual that can be easily practiced by the Iranian population at large. If followed closely, there will be a more than likely chance that Iranians will be allowed to purchase computer products in the Great Satan land of the United States:

1) Stop supporting terrorists. That includes groups that the United States calls terrorist organizations, such as Hamas and Hezbollah. You can call them “freedom fighters,” but the United States—the country that you begged to give you a visa, and where you currently are—considers them terrorist organizations. So, take off your chafiyeh scarf and stop professing your love for those Neanderthals.

2) Stop chanting “Death to America” every single day. Aside from it being so 1960’s and so Che Guevara-ish, it’s tacky and it alienates the people in Georgia that you’re trying to buy an iPad from. The same goes for burning American flags. Good ol’ boys down South don’t like to see their flag stepped on and burnt on the streets of your capital. So, they take it out on you when you try to buy an iPod and listen to Dariush and Ebi.

3) Stop appeasing the Islamic Republic. And stop calling anyone who doesn’t appease the IR, and who doesn’t march lockstep behind the great NIAC rahbar –and Mohammad Javad Zarif’s BFF--a NeoCon Jew who hates Iran. Note: you can have your impressionable budding filmmaker intern write about systemic, institutional oppression of women and political activists in Iran instead of writing another It’s all Jews' fault that Iran is in the mess that it’s in today piece on Iranian.com.

4) Stop diverting attention from Iran. And stop posting article after article after article about a dog peeing in Israel, as if there’s nothing wrong in Iran, so we have to worry about what home is being built where in the West Bank. Focus on your own problems. That way, the terrorist IR can be removed and the Iranian people can have a decent name in the world.

5) Say something when your country does crazy shit. Like here, when it reiterated its three decades long goal of totally annihilating another nation. I saw no outrage when that bit of news came out. You all went about your business of hating Jews and hating America as if there was nothing wrong about calling for the annihilation of a whole nation. And no, this is not in response to Israel’s threats. The IR started this bullshit 33 years ago.

Anyway, just follow these simple steps and you will hopefully be able to buy iPods while you visit your cousin in the United States. Until then, and until you get to the root of the problem and the real reason why you’re in the hole you’re in today, you will have to use this device to listen to your Homeira songs, this device to type your papers and this device to make phone calls.