انتقادی از شعر "عقلِ شور"


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انتقادی از شعر "عقلِ شور"
by Ari Siletz
14-May-2011
 

پیش از آنکه شروع به خواندن مقاله دکتر محمدرضا شفیعی کدکنی (م.سرشک) کنم گفتم  به تحقیق مختصری بپردازم تا مطمئن شوم در باره وی افشاگریی نشده باشد که اگر احیاناً با انتقاد ادبی ایشان توافقی کردم حمل بر همکاری سیاسی شود. بعدش فکر کردم که خوب شد که شد! بهر حال اگر خواننده نقد ادبی ایشان را نزدیک به حقیقت دانست و بعد معلوم شد که استاد در شکست نبرد سالامیس نقشی داشته، بنده مسئولیتی نیمپزرم (و در ضمن املا ء غلط  نیز ضمیمه همان شانه خالی کردن).

حرف حساب ایشان اینکه بعضی از اشعار معاصر به طریق "جدولی" سروده میشود. به عنوان مثال جدول زیر را ارائه میدهند:
يک‌       سطر      شعرِ     عشق‌       سرودم‌

۲    دو       رکعت‌     نماز     صبح       خواندم‌

۳    سه‌       ساغر      شراب‌   ارغواني ‌  نوشيدم‌

۴    چهار    قطره‌      اشک     شادي       گريستم‌

۵    پنج‌      عدد       آيينه‌     شفّاف‌       آوردم‌

سپس با  بریده هایی از سطور افقی، کامپیوتر وار مصراعی "نوین" ترکیب میکنند. مثلاً:
۱) يک‌ سطر اشک شادي‌ گريستم‌.

۲) يک‌ سطر آيينه‌ي‌ شفاف‌ آوردم‌.

۳) دو رکعت‌ شعر عشق‌ سرودم‌.

۴) دو رکعت‌ نماز عشق‌ سرودم‌.

۵) سه‌ قطره‌ شعر ارغواني‌ خواندم‌.

۶) سه‌ قطره‌ نماز شادي سرودم‌.

۷) سه‌ ساغر شعر عشق‌ خواندم‌.

گاهی وقتا بد در نمیاد و خوباشو سوا میکنن. پس از چند دفعه اینور اونور کردن بالاخره یه چیزی در میاد که بشه اسمشو گذاشت شعر. بقول استاد در دوران صفوی هم بعضی با این کارا به مقاماتی رسیدند.
کاری نداریم، نوش جان "شعرا" و خاک بر سر هرکی الکی گفت َبه َبه . خود این  مقاله  شیرین را به قلم  استاد اینجا بخوانید. هدف اصلی اینست که  شاید ما هم بتوانیم با شعر جدولی شهرتی کسب کنیم و یا حد اقل خودمان  را با افشاگری هایی از نوع ادبی سرگرم کنیم. اینهم شروع بازی با چند  مصراع از شاعری گمنام برای بزر پاشی جدول.

این بار من یکبارگی در عاشقـــی پیچیـــده ام

این بار من یکبارگـــــی از عافیـــت  ببریــده ام

دل را زخود برکنــده ام با چیـــز دیـگــر زنده ام

عقل و دل و اندیشـــه را ازبیخ وبن سوزیده ام

ای مردمـــان ای مردمان ، از من نیاید مردمی

دیوانـــه هم نندیشد آن ، کاندر دل اندیشه ام

دیوانـــه کوکب ریخته ، از شـــــور من بگریخته

مـــن با اجل آمیختــه ، در نیستـــی پریــده ام

و اینهم سروده ای معاصر از خودم بنام "عقلِ شور"

کوکبِ عشق ز دل  سوزیده ام
بارو بُن از عافیـــت پیچیـــده ام
دیوانـــه ، از من نندیشد مردمی
چیـــزِ دیـگــر بگریخته از بیخ من
ترسانَد مرا، در نیستـــیِ زنده ام
عقلِ  شـــــور از مردمان پریــده ام

به،به. شعر چه خوب منظور میرساند.

جدول خودرا بسازید ، قوائد خودرا ابداء نمایید، و دل کباب کنید.

...و در ضمن شوخی کردم، منظور اصلی جلب توجه به مقاله استاد محمدرضا شفیعی کدکنی است، که شاید لزومی به گفتن ندارد.


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more from Ari Siletz
 
divaneh

Dear Anahid

by divaneh on

Thanks for your kind comment. I found it very generous and very modest at the same time.


Mash Ghasem

...

by Mash Ghasem on

Ari jan,,thanks for your posting of M.Sreshk's poems. You have some imagination dude, kudos. The imagery of victim's tears dropped in her aggressors eyes is very strong. Can't get it out of my mind, if not a poem, there's definitely a science fiction short story there!

Vildemose: my pleasure.


vildemose

MG: Thank you for that

by vildemose on

MG: Thank you for that enlightening essay on theodore Adorno.


Ari Siletz

At Mash Ghasem's request

by Ari Siletz on

سفر به خیر
به کجا چنین شتابان؟
گون از نسیم پرسید
دل من گرفته زینجا
هوس سفر نداری
ز غبار این بیابان؟
همه آرزویم اما
چه کنم که بسته پایم
به کجا چنین شتابان؟
به هر آن کجا که باشد به جز این سرا سرایم
سفرت به خیر! اما تو و دوستی خدا را
چو ازین کویر وحشت به سلامتی گذشتی
به شکوفه ها به باران
برسان سلام ما را...

..........................................................................................

دریا

حسرت نبرم به خواب آن مرداب
کآرام درون دشت شب خفته ست
دریایم و نیست باکم ازطوفان
دریا همه عمر خوابش آشفته ست

............................................................................

 
پاسخ
هیچ می دانی چرا چون موج
در گریز از خویشتن پیوسته می کاهم؟
زان که بر این پرده ی تاریک این خاموشی نزدیک
آنچه می خواهم نمی بینم
و آنچه می بینم نمی خواهم

دکتر محمدرضا شفیعی کدکنی

م. سرشک

در کوچه باغ های نیشابور

 

 


Anahid Hojjati

That poem by Divaneh is one of the best Farsi poems

by Anahid Hojjati on

that I have read on IC.


divaneh

Dear Ari

by divaneh on

That's a beautiful idea, but I don't know if I can come up with anything. This issue makes me really angry to the point that I don't care what they wish to do to this mean bastard as long as it serves as an example to any other idiot who may be contemplating of ruining someone else's life. 


Anahid Hojjati

سلامی به دماوند From محمد رضا شفیعیی کدکنی

Anahid Hojjati


 

 This is one of Kadkani's poems which I like and should resonate with those in Diaspora:

محمد رضا شفیعیی کدکنی (م.سرشک) سلامی به دماوند باران شبگیر اسفند شسته حریر هوا را در آبی بی کرانش بینی همه دور ها را. بر کرده از کرانه آن سو دماوند بشکوه آن مشعل جاودانه. مانند آرش كه جان را در تیر هشت و رها كرد این لحظهها بی قرارم، تا جان خود را در سرودی گذارم: یعنی به جای همه جمع یاران -دور از وطن در هزاران دیاران كز دل نگردند هرگز فراموش- گویم: سلام!ای دماوند خاموش! It looks like there is a formatting problem with this comment where I have inserted the poem .

Mash Ghasem

...

by Mash Ghasem on

Incidentally, since Schoenberg was mentioned, I couldn't resist mentioning this essay on Adorno, Schoenber and Atonal Music, cheers

Theodor Adorno's Theory of Music and its Social Implications

//www.moyak.com/papers/adorno-schoenberg-aton...

 


Mash Ghasem

...

by Mash Ghasem on

خدمت جناب حضرت "خیر" باحال. عزیز جان حالا که دست شما گرم شده چند تا از
اون شعرهای باحال، ناب استاد را  اینجا بگذار، تا ملت بگیرن شعر نفس یعنی چی؟
مثلا  " به کجا چنین شتابان " یا کل شعر " از محاکمه فضل الله حروفی"، یا هر چیز از کتاب "  در کوچه باغهای نیشابور " یا ....سپاس
دمت گرم و سرت خوش باد.

Ari Siletz

Some replies

by Ari Siletz on

Orang, I quite agree formula can't substitute for soul. Or if somehow it managed to fool us, that formula should be elevated to soul status. Are you familiar with the Turing Test? Poetry would be the ultimate Turing Test.

Divaneh, thank you for the verse from Kolliat e Koravi. On a somber note, yesterday I pondered an imaginary story where instead of blinding Majid Mohavedi, Ameneh Bahrami puts 5 drops of her own tears in each of his eyes. Justice is done as for a few moments he cries with her tears. Would work better as a poem, but I couldn't pull it off. However the poet who wrote  this poem easily could!

 

Mash Ghasem, found it!..............."آخرین برگ سفرنامه باران این است که زمین چرکین است" -   .very hard hitting for a verse so little and soft.

 

 


Mash Ghasem

Prof. Mohamamd Reza Shafiei Kadkani ( M. Sereshk) is also

by Mash Ghasem on

a great poet as well. He probably has written the shortest modern poem in Iranian literature. Does anyone remember that one?

Hint: It starts with The Last Page of Rain's Journey.

He has many, many  other  great poems as well, respect for his works is appreciated, cheers


divaneh

محظوظ شدیم

divaneh


با تشکر از اری گرامی بسیار آموزنده و جالب بود و بنده هم از یک شعر قدیمی بهره گرفتم و این شعر جدید را ساختم.

یه توپ دارم هوا میره

نمی دونی تا کجا میره

سرخ و سفید و آبیه

قلقلیه قلقلیه


Anahid Hojjati

Orang jan, you misunderstood me

by Anahid Hojjati on

You singled out my comment and wrote something opposing it while I said what you are saying. Please read it again.If you still have trouble understanding it, let me know to explain it more for you.

Basically I said that sometimes Ostaads have trouble connecting with a poem since they have seen it all. Ostaads get bothered by lack of perfect technique while average reader does not care about perfect technique. Any way, I wrote what you wrote in a different wording.


Orang Gholikhani

Frankenstein

by Orang Gholikhani on

Ari jan,

 

Thank you for your post. It is very interesting. Many times, I’ve been told my poems don’t have “appropriate” format and they cannot be named “poem” and many times I read poems which was well balanced and classical but didn’t give me any feeling or any thoughts.

 

As you mentioned, we could easily write software for creating a poem. Here you have a site for fun which create automatically “intellectual seemed sentence” in French //www.domisse.fr/fun/management/pipotron.html .

 

I think a poem is like a human being, it you don’t see a soul it is a dead poem. As Dr Frankenstein you could put aside some words, rimes even rhythms but without soul they are not alive and not a poem. Continuing the same thoughts, you shouldn’t judge someone saying he is good or bad, you like it or you don’t like it. Sometimes, I’ve some poems which may miss something somewhere but for me it is like as having a disable child, I like them even if they haven’t “standard format”.

 I saw in below comments, Anahid referring to some “Ostaades” who did literature study during years and read a lot of poems. Of course it could help and we need them but it doesn’t make them good poets or good writers. Creation cannot be learned in school. You could find more poetry in a Shepard song than some of our “Ostaades” .  All real poets, as Hafez and Khayams has always considered themselves as students and eternal seekers, nobody is Ostaade.  

Regards.

Orang


ahang1001

آری گرامی

ahang1001


من نه با آرنولد شوینه برگ.. و موسیقی

Twelve-tone technique

.میونه خوبی دارم و نه با بعضی از شعرهای نو که هر دو بنظر من ناهنجارند...

و مانند همان جیغ بنفشند

البته سلیقه ها مختلفند

و اما این آقای دکتر شفیعی که نمیشناسمش...چه کند؟

جز اینکه این  چیزی بنویسد و ابراز دکتری کند.

باشد که شفا یابد

شیرین

 


Ari Siletz

Some replies

by Ari Siletz on

Mash Ghasem: thanks for the refrences to Goldmann and Barahani. Kadkani makes brief reference to Goldmann in his article; seems like an interesting mind to study, though perhaps not a trivial task to understand. Don't know Barahani's critical argument warning of a crisis, perhaps a summary of your take on his points would help. Kadkani seems to "blame" the state of mind of society which encourages literature that does not contain "kalaam e nafs," relying instead on formulatic verse construction. Interestingly he takes a jab at Sohrab Sepehri followers (though not at Sepehri himself). He contrasts the current "Sepehri" era with praise for our Mashrooteh era poetry--perhaps because what the poets had to say was on a larger scale.

 

Ahang1001: Glad you liked the article. A response to Kadkani's anti formulatic attitude is of course the music of Arnold Shoenberg.How else are we going to break away from our habits of the mind--what we think of as harmony?  Though from the article I think Kadkani wouldn't have a problem with Schoenberg in that his musical innovations are done "right"--ie. with full knowledge of the previous formulas of music composition.

 

Anahid: I don't get the impression that your poems are jadvali. Your point about political bravery is well taken. Kadkani's emphasis on "eternal" verses may be ignoring "temporary" artistic expressions which burn bright but shortly. But refering to my reply to Mash Ghasem, are the opposition poets simply expressing the anguish of oppression, or do their poems--as in Mashrooteh poetry-- reflect an emerging new mindset? A new view of who we are and how we relate to each other.

 


Anahid Hojjati

Interesting blog, thanks Ari

by Anahid Hojjati on

I usually write what I think and what sounds nice to me. All of us are influenced by poets before us whom we have read. So if you read a jadvali poem from me, blame those before me, since, I never sit down to make it jadvali. However, only an Ostaad has time to worry about these kind of things. Regular readers just read a poem and connect with it if they like the content or how it sounds.  Regular readers also care whether the poet is famous or they like him/her because of factors like bravery that the poet has shown such as those poets in Iran who write against IRI.

People like Ostaad Kadkani have seen and read much poetry and have written many poems themselves and have doctorate degress in Persian literature so they are not as easily influenced or don't feel connected as easily as average person. If a poet wrote a jadvali poem but his/her poem brought joy to readers or they learned from it, he/she has been successful. Thanks Ari for writing about Ostaad though. As they said "harche az doost resad nikoost" and i have great respect for Ostaad Kadkani.


ahang1001

ممنون از این

ahang1001


ممنون از این مطلب آموزنده

بار اول از به  بالا تا به پایین خوانده ام                                                                          بار دوم از به پایین تا به بالا خوانده ام


تا که پی بردم به این راز نهان

شعر ها گویم از این پس ...بس روان 

 


Mash Ghasem

...

by Mash Ghasem on

Thanks for Kadkani, hadn't read anything from him for a long while. It's always good to read from him, whether you agree with him or not,  not to mention one of his teachers, namely

Lucien Goldmann

//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucien_Goldmann

Although Kadkani never uses the term Crisis, what he points out to might also be a symptom of a crisis in Iranian poetry. Which is exactly what Reza Barahani used to call it. Haven't read anything from Barahani on this either for a long while. Might not be a bad idea to find out, cheers


Ari Siletz

Picture credit

by Ari Siletz on

Please visit (MOBA), The Museum of Bad Art.

The site says, "since 1994, the Museum of Bad Art has been dedicated to bad art. It is
only through the efforts of the worldwide Friends of MOBA that we have
been able to carry out our mission: to bring the worst of art to the
widest of audiences.
"