How much Independency Is too Much?

Azadeh Azmoudeh
by Azadeh Azmoudeh

I always thought it is good to give your husband a sense that he is needed. For the same reason, I always used to ask my husband's help on the works to be done around the house. Not that I don't know how to change a light bulb, put tiles in the bathroom, paint the whole house, or my new project today assembling the bookcase. However, I always asked for his help in each and all of those ecept the last one. I thought in a sense I was helping him with his self-confidence and how I relied on him being the MAN of the house. Meanwhile, knowing how to do all by myself, I showed my respect and appreciation in his help and what would I have done without him? Right? Wrong!

It was proven  to me today that my husband thinks it is a sickness to be "needed" or "in need" of someone!!! No matter how much I tried to make him understand that it is important and satisfying to be needed in a relationship, he still thought it is a sickness!

I promised myself not to ask him any more of those pretentious favor, although some of them were not pretentious and I really enjoyed him doing something for me. This morning, after two weeks, I took the bookcase that we bought from IKEA inside and despite of the heavy package I took it all the way to the study room and started asembling it. Was it hard? At all. Did I enjoy doing it, you bet. I felt I no longer want to be dependent of him and thank God he calls it sickness. Now, my fear is how much independence is too much? Doea he care if I do everything by myself and never again ask for his help? Where does that lead our new relationship to? I have to wonder, if you are strong emotionally, physically, and financially then what is the need for another person in your life?


Recently by Azadeh AzmoudehCommentsDate
Pro-choice, Man Advocate, or Feminist?
Oct 25, 2008
What a Small World II !
Oct 19, 2008
What a Small World!
Oct 04, 2008
more from Azadeh Azmoudeh
Azadeh Azmoudeh

Reply to All

by Azadeh Azmoudeh on

Irandokht e aziz! My husband knows about my blog and my IM this is the way our relationship had become. Is he happy about it? I do not know! Communication is a main thing in a relationship and seems like it sometimes we lose track of it!

Dear FN, Thanks for your imput. You said what we all are struggling to realize: The inevitable! But I do appreciate your feedback. He's not an absolute scorpion; however. He is an injured old tiger, who has too much pride to accept his shortcming. I used to resent hi, now I learned to respect him as who he is and get on with my life which in a sense impacts our children too:)

And, finally our bajenaagh naghi my favorite reader:). Thanks for your comment, no he is not lazy, but he takes grudges. It is unfortunate for some of us. Actually, as of now I was talking to him about it (I am open) and told him that in order to carry on with a relationship, we need to open up instead of shut off and let the time solve things. I talked to him about feeling to be needed and his response blew my mind away: "Yes, it is a good feeling, but I don't want you to be crippled without me!!!!!!!!!!! Crippled? You wanting him to feel like a man who knows stuff?



not an expert...

by IRANdokht on

Could your husband be upset with you because you posted your real picture and instant messenger ID publicly?

some men take that kind of thing real hard and show their contempt in different ways...

but I am not an expert in relationships like you are.

Good luck 


bajenaghe naghi

azadeh jan

by bajenaghe naghi on

i to believe that it is nice to be needed in the relation ship. i have always liked to do things with my hands and put things together so it has always been a fun thing to do. and i feel good when my woman asks me to help out around the house. i think your husband is either to lazy or may need to visit a shrink.i don't want to be rude to you and your husband but that is only my opinion.   


Have no fear

by FN (not verified) on

It sounds like you are "screaming" for help because your "house is on fire". I don't know, I think your husband is "not a man" but a scorpion lay in wait to sting you. You don't go along with it, so you go on "calling yourself a bitch" even though you seem to be a very nice woman. Your marriage seems to have failed already, not because of the chores around the house (whether you ask him for help or not), not because of "lack of love in the marriage", but because he seems to have reached a point where he resents you now, and you resent him.

I don't think the bookcase you bought was his choice. He most likely resented purchasing it from day one. He has passed the point of doing things for you to please you. He probably has his reasons for behaving this way, and he has his side of the story to tell, but who cares about his side. For all I care, if he wants to, he can start his own blog and tell all about it all day till the chickens come home. He probably resents you too for blogging about your personal life. To be honest with you, I would be resentful too, but that's how it goes nowadays in this nick of the woods. It's the age of globalization of personal problems. If a man resents his woman he better be prepared for someone in India to hear all about it.

"How much independence is too much?"
There is no 'too much'. Do, and learn how to do, as much as you can handle. There is nothing you won't be able to do on your own. Most everything that is sold in this country comes with an instruction. Men are doers, that's why they don't stop to ask for direction. Women are better at reading instructions and following 'how-to' assembly directions. Most things that require assembly is manufactured in a way that it would need simple tools. I don't see why an intelligent woman as you would not be able to do any thing that she sets her mind to do. If you already helped him with paining the house and tile work, and you already put the bookcase together, I don't see any reason why you couldn't do anything else. You would make a good role model for your children.
However, I do believe there is such a thing as division of labor, that there are things that he should be doing around the house, and there are things that you should be doing. But, if he doesn't want to do his thing that's OK too, don't argue with him about it. Empower yourself and learn how to do those things too. Put him to shame. When the day comes that you are to ready to leave him you'll be a complete package. You don't need a man to validate you.

"Does he care if I do everything by myself and never again ask for his help?"
I don't know. He has to blog it and we have to see what the guy in India says.

"Where does that lead our new relationship to?"
It will lead you to the inevitable.

"If you are strong emotionally, physically, and financially then what is the need for another person in your life?"

I don't know. As a man if I had a womb and if I could impregnate myself I don't know why I would want to have a female partner in my life! But I believe that question was in regard to your relationship with your husband, so I say the hell with him.

Take care of yourself,

Azadeh Azmoudeh

Yalda khanoom

by Azadeh Azmoudeh on

First of all let me thank you for your comment. I need to clear some points in your though: 1-exaggeration for who my dear? You or any other reader??? Nope it is not in my blood. 2- attention? again not. Seems like it I was not able to give the jest of what I wanted to. Being a family counselor, I think I need a little or two about the things you mentioned!!!!!!! However, my point was in marriages, ususally, what kills the connection is respect, intimacy, and giving power to the partner. By asking my husband to the stuff around the house, I in a way was telling him he's important and in need. Yalda jaan, sese of appreciation and knowing that you are not only a wife, but a contirbutor and in need of your husband/wife is basic in maintaining the marriage. Nevertheless, my husband does not want to be seen as being in need, BUT, likes to be needed in his own way.

Interestingly enough, you pointed to a very sensitive issue and that is one of us has to be fed up with pretending! Your mistake was pointing to the wrong one! Moreover, the whole fact of marriage is you are not as dependent as you used to my dear. You need to give away some and compensate.  

Exaggera PEACE


Azadeh Khanom,i am sure you

by yalda1980 (not verified) on

Azadeh Khanom, i am sure you know how to change a light bulb and put a bookcase together. if you do it yourself, you don't have to ask and pretend to be needy first and thankful later to anyone else. that's good. painting the whole house and putting in tiles sounds like a little exaggeration but that's ok,too. what you say is not about tasks and projects around the sound like a woman who is in need of attention from a man who has stopped being a partner in a marriage,without energy or dedication to what matters to his wife.even if you put 10 bookcases together and paint the whole house yourself,you would still need to know what to do with a man who doesn't want to help not because you need it but because he should. your problem is bigger than you think or isn't about dependence or independence,it is about the marriage itself.