bahmani

Recently, probably longer than that though, I have noticed that my articles (are they really?) and posts have taken on a far more sarcastic and almost bitter tone. It seems that I am like always inexplicably angry these days.

Looking back on the past 15 years of my writing for this site, it seems a far cry from where I first started. Let's see, the first stage of my "Journey with JJ" was the "Looking Back" or nostalgia stage. This was when I posted articles like "Areh Jooneh Ammat!"or pieces about the good old days, usually waxing romantically, the days before the revolution, during the Shah, giddily oblivious to the harshness and realities of that time.

Next came "exploration" or forays into creative writing subtly tinged with political intrigue, pieces like "My
fantasy dinner with Reza Pahlavi", which drew both wide acclaim as well as the accusations of daring to have dinner with the son of our former dictator.

I fund solace and optimism in discovering "Iranians doing un-typically Iranian things" and am proudest of my interviews with heroes like Kourosh Mahboubian (see Pesar-e
Darya(Aqua Boy)), and then young filmmaker Ramin Serry who had just released his first film "Maryam" (see Something
About Maryam").

I then forayed into Music and Album reviews with discoveries of greats like Shahin & Sepehr (see Princes
of Persia), and the now legendary Kiosk (see The
revolution is here).

But politics kept creeping up and into my zehn as I began more and more to push and probe that thing that so often stares us in the face but which we sadly choose to push aside, and blur, and wipe and ignore. Like a fly that keeps buzzing around your head that you are too lazy to roll up the newspaper and get of your ass and kill it, and so we just continually wave it away, hoping it will go off and leave us alone. Which it never does.

I tried the whole support the Iranian-American thing, writing glorifying supportive articles on groups that try to do good like NIAC, and profiles of good decent Iranians-Americans running the campaigns of US poltiicians. It was fun for a while.

But I have to say that after Ahmadinejad's 2007 speech at Columbia University, and then the disasterous events of 2009, it's utter fizzle in 2010, combined with turning 50 in 2011, I have to say everything pretty much seems to suck to me these days. I can rarely find good in anythgin, and seem drawn obsessively to the downfall of any idea. For it must surely be a ruse, and if not it must certainly be doomed to fail.

Almost every word I write these days is out of objection, anger, frustration, pathetic self loathing, and cynicism. See what I mean, I just did it again!

I don't think I am wallowing in self misery, because my anger isn't really targeted at me and my ultimate failure to live up to what and where I aspired to be at age 50. My ascerbium is always targeted at others, who seem to not meet my unreasonable expectations, this newfound standard of minimum perfection, which of course to me is entirely reasonable. Everyone else is just too damn weak, chicken-shit, or lazy.

The first step to recovery though is apparently not hitting bottom, because I am in fact riding higher than ever. I can stil spot the bullshit in anything you care to offer, a full mile away, farther if we're betting with drinks, so I am in blissfully true denial. But the first step, I think is in recognizing and admitting that you indeed most certainly do have a probelm. Which I indeed most certainly do.

Unfortunatly realization and doing something about it aren't related in the least.

So the question is, will I continue to worship at the altar of Satan's cousin and fallen angel Vitriol? Can I stand to put aside the imperfections of others? Can I temper my anger and apparently unreasonable demand that my country be free from evildoers that routinely sodomize any hope that trickles from the wellspring of Iranian aspiration?

I have no idea. We'll just have to see if saying "Please, After You" feels as good as saying "F**k You!"

God! I have a feeling this is going to be hard!