Why All The Bad Luck??? :(

Balatarin
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CultureVulture
by CultureVulture
20-May-2012
 

...So my relationship with my Iranian boyfriend has recently ended... To be more specific, HE has broken up with me... :(

To cut a long story short, both of us are students residing in a Western country. We get to know each other through a mutual acquaintance. Initially, I had not thought of going into a relationship with him when he first asked cos I barely know him well even as a friend back then. However, he was very charming and sweet, and I thought, give it a try. He's my first ever foreign and Muslim BF. He' also one of the very first Iranians I have ever known in my life. I am Chinese, by the way. Then when I tried to get him to change our relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship", he refused. N I also discovered that he has tokens of love from his "ex GF (ex, or so he said)" still in his room. I mean, who will bring something from an ex all the way to an overseas country if you are no longer in love or in a relationship with her? It was then that he told me his parents had arranged for him to marry someone "next year". I got a shock of my life, and finally managed to get him to call his parents to tell them he wants to be with me (we were together for about a week at this point). Anyhow, he said his parents told him to break up with me (he did). But then, when I tried to convince him that if we were together longer, his parents might come to terms with it and allow us to be together, but he then turned around and insisted he is now the one who does not want to be with me anymore, saying that "cos you are not Iranian". Anyhow, on hindsight, I don't really think he did call his parents cos I caught him that he had been telling me lots of lies in the past, after he decided that he did not want to be with me anymore. So I guess the phone call was only something to make him look good when breaking up with me.

I had loved him with all my heart, and prior to the "phone call (which was never made in front of me)", I had told him that I would be willing to convert to Islam should things work out with us in the end, that I will learn all that I can about Iranian culture etc, to make him and his parents happy. I will be willing to do all that I can, but why must he cheat me and lie to me?

Before I met him, I knew another Iranian guy whom I actually like and admire very much as he is so intelligent and emotionally sensitive. But I think he is also just trying to cheat me and want to use me only for a sexual relationship (I never did have XXX with that Iranian ex BF I mentioned above but he was always trying to although we were together for only a fortnight), because he also has things from his ex GF in his room. More importantly, he asked me something which made me decide not to start a relationship with him although I had liked him so much at that time. He asked me if I had ever had XXX with my ex BF (when I told him it is offensive in my culture to ask a woman this, he said he also said that to show me why he kept those things from his ex - cos they did do that and thus he is still emotionally attached to her). Then he also kept on asking me if I am a virgin. I never answer any of his questions cos I feel is rude of him.

However, after all these bad experiences with both guys, I discovered that despite my twice broken heart, I have fallen so much in love with Iranian culture and especially with Iranian men. I just don't understand why both Iranian men I like are both like this (i know fewer than 6 Iranian men). I don't like to stereotype but from now on, I am really terrified of dating Iranian men anymore no matter how nice people they are cos I really don't know why I keep having all these bad lucks and running into the bad ones which always appear as such good men, good people, good Muslims at first???? :(

Balatarin
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CultureVulture

Re: Thank You for Replying :)

by CultureVulture on Tue May 22, 2012 07:05 AM PDT

Dear Shepesh,

Thank you for your kind encouragements :) After reading all these comments from all these members, I am starting to feel that maybe I should not be dating any Iranian or any Middle Eastern men anymore, cos the cultural differences are too great; that I really lack the intuition to know a sincere Iranian BF from one who is only after some temporary fun. I guess it sometimes just boils down to luck, cos someone I know of from my hometown actually married her Persian Prince - but the guy has been working there for the past two decades or so, and it is only after 10 years of being in a relationship. I was told that the gal was the one with the parental objection, hence the 10 years, but I don't know...

Cheers

Haze


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Faramarz

Men and Women with Motives!

by Faramarz on Mon May 21, 2012 06:03 AM PDT

 

Dear South Asian,

It looks to me as if you are ready for a committed relationship and even like to upgrade your fb status to “married” and your Iranian dates are not.

Just because you have arrived at a certain point in your life that you are willing to give your unconditional love to someone, it doesn’t mean that they are at the same place in their lives and are ready to receive your love and reciprocate.

One of the trickiest part of a relationship is to know where the other party’s head is at, and it appears to me that your BF is not where you are and also like many Iranian men who have strong ties to their parents and family, he is tempted to go back home and marry a “good” Iranian girl that his parents would approve of. Most men from traditional cultures like Chinese or Indian grapple with the same issue too.

As for the sex thing, some women look at sex as a special thing that is reserved only for the special men in their lives. If that’s the case with you, then bring it up early in the dating process so the guy knows what your motives are (first commitment, then sex, finally marriage)

I am of the opinion that sex is an integral part of an emotional discovery in a relationship and one needs to go through it to gauge his true feelings about the other party. So there is nothing shameful about it.

Good luck, and please remember that Iranians may be traditional, but they are not religious at all and you should not convert to another way of life just because you are trying to marry someone. Do it only if it appeals to you.


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Esfand Aashena

CultureVulture ALL Iranian men are chauvinists!

by Esfand Aashena on Mon May 21, 2012 05:16 AM PDT

Some of the things you say in your blog doesn't make sense.  For example, who says to his BF after a week that he should tell his parents that he shouldn't marry his ex and instead marry her?  Who calls a date her BF only after a week?!

Anyway, I am an Iranian man and am going to assume that you're in your late 20s to mid 30s.  I can tell you that not all Iranian men are religious and in fact, most of the men you meet outside Iran are NOT religious.  Though you may find some of them mumble some jiberish Arabic prior to engaging in a sexual intercourse only to cleanse themselves of the sin of having premarital sex and make it kosher to have temporary sex!

Anyway, Iranian men are sex deprived creatures (like most Middle Eastern men from other countries) and their first instinct it to have sex with any woman they meet as soon as possible, if at all possible.  If not then they'll move to the next woman while keeping you on their waiting list! 

Good luck and don't worry about these things.  The right man will come along just don't ask serious questions or ask him to change his relationship status of Facebook a week into your dating experience!

 Everything is sacred


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default

Please count as good luck, not bad

by Shepesh on Mon May 21, 2012 05:09 AM PDT

It is better find out some people are not on the same wavelength as you are before any serious relationship starts. All that you are explaining is normal growing up experiences, finding oneself by experience. Can I also say there is no advantage to limiting oneself to one culture or type, go on dates with people who are interested in you and you find worthy of you, paying you the respect you deserve. I wish you luck in all your adventures, life is good and will get better in time by your aquiring a tougher skin. 


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CultureVulture

Re: Reply to My Blog (Why All The Bad Luck???)

by CultureVulture on Mon May 21, 2012 03:34 AM PDT

I will also like to add that I am a woman who dresses like the average girl-next-door; I don't wear revealing clothes, smoke, drink alcohol, or go clubbing (not that I mean girls who do these are bad or give a bad impression). The most revealing clothes I ever wear is just the shorts at home during the very hot summer cos it is too hot to wear long pants or bermudas.

So I really don't know why both Iranian men who have ever proposed to me to be their GF are both men with motives :( 


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CultureVulture

Re: Reply to My Blog (Why All The Bad Luck???)

by CultureVulture on Mon May 21, 2012 03:28 AM PDT

Dear Yolanda,

Salam :) Thank you so much for caring enough to reply and for all ur well wishes. I had thought that nobody will want to reply to this blog :(

Yes, you are right. After what has happened to my relationship with X (my ex BF), I have decided that I will NEVER consider converting for anyone again, never ever, cos it is just not worth it. If I do ever want to convert in future (which is very unlikely), I will only do it if I am convinced and want to do it for myself, but not for any man or his family ever again. The reason why I had thought I would convert for X is that I have always been a strong believer in that all religions are fundamentally the same - to teach others to be a good person to self and others. Thus, I had thought that even if I were to convert from my much-cherished Buddhism to Islam, it will be only different in name but not in spirit, cos both just boil down to the same teachings of peace and love. However, after the experience with X, although I still believe the same of Islam, Buddhism and all religions, I have come to the conclusion that converting for a man and his family is like asking a proud engineer to convert to becoming an arts teacher - that it is not a matter of which one is better cos both are fundamentally good and useful, but which one we feel more inclined towards. Two people can still be in love and have a happy marriage and be good to each other and to society, but it does not mean we need to change certain aspects of our non-negative beliefs/interests to be happy and getting on well together. 

I'm from Southeast Asia (hence am exposed a lot to Muslim and Hindu cultures cos we have lots Hindus and Muslims in my region) but currently studying in a Western country where I met X in our same Uni :) Are you born Persian or are you a foreigner married to/in a relationship with an Iranian?

Actually, I honestly don't think I like Persian culture cos it is better than Chinese culture or any other cultures. As my nickname implies, I am very interested in all cultures, that all cultures are good in their own ways, and I LOVE to meet people from all walks of life and from over the world :) However, I grow to love Persian culture after getting to know X and his Iranian friends. Even though I know now that all his charms and sweetness are just for show only, that all he cares about is to show off egoistically to his friends that he has made a conquest of me, that I matter nothing to him, not even as a friend, I think my love for Persian culture is quite apart from my love for him. I think I no longer love him cos the X I loved has never existed at all (cos it is just a personality he made up to cheat women) but the legacy of Persian culture will always live on in my heart. I love tahdig, I like to drink doosh and I LOVE the genuine warmth and generosity of genuine Iranian people. That is something his betrayal can never take away from me. It is forever to stay in my heart.

However, my main concern right now is that; should I met another Iranian man in future who expresses his likling for me or whom I like, how do I know if something is wrong with him? Cos I am worried that the reason why I fell prey twice to falling in love with the wrong type of Iranian men is cos I lack the cultural intuition to know a good Iranian man from one with motives. Any idea about early warning signs? Will appreciate if someone can advise on this, thanks lots :)

Cheers

Haze


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yolanda

........

by yolanda on Sun May 20, 2012 10:34 PM PDT

So sorry to hear your twice unrequitted love!

Please don't convert to Islam for the sake of your boyfriend!

It is good to be independent and have the mind of your own, like the wife of Facebook CEO, Priscilla Chan. She is a MD!

Good luck with everything!

Thank you for sharing!

Question: Is Persian culture better than Chinese culture? Which part of China are you from? Taiwan? Hong Kong? Mainland China? born in US?


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