Four days ago I got home late around eleven and sat on my sofa facing the balcony. I remember clearly only because it was then while I was looking at the dark sky outside of my window that five symbolic knock hit my door. I ran happily to open. I knew it was Eli. She was smiling and asked if I am happy to see her. I didn’t need to tell her. It’s been about a month now that we are letting go. I am not sure how to put it, but we are not shy to allow ourselves to develop feelings.
She had told me many times that she knows me too well to feel romantic about me. For nights I was thinking about what she had said and gradually entered the stage of depression. A month ago she came in to my bedroom and told me that she can’t imagine life without me. Since then I come home, cook dinner and she comes in and we dine and play, laugh and talk all night. There is something strange though. I know what it is but I don’t know where it comes from. There is a cloud that hangs right above us! Simply put, I just don’t see us together. I feel, as any day things will change. Why do I feel like this?
Two days ago Sina calls and tells me that he did not get the job. He has been trying for a while now. He still lives with his parents and hopes to become independent. I listened but cut him off and talked about Eli. He knew it was coming anyways. I had realized that it was not Tehran, my apartment, or my job that had made me the happiest man alive. About a month ago I saw Eli dressed up and had put my favorite perfume on. She passed me saying a friendly hi and ran to the elevator. She seemed too excited going on a date, she seemed too excited going on a date, she seemed…the word kept repeating in my head and I couldn’t get it out. It was her that I wanted, not Tehran, not anywhere, just her. I asked Sina to come to see me since I needed a company. He came and thankfully with a bottle of Aragh or Vodka. I spilled my heart out and told him that I love Eli, I wanted Eli, and I couldn’t let her go. The thought of another man with her was banging my head and my senses were running wild. Chilled and hot simultaneously. My breathings irregular and loud had made Sina nervous. He tried to calm me down. He told me that he was shocked at my sudden reaction. I had always run away from relationships. I do not want to get married and had made that clear to everyone that I had ever met. I went to the balcony and shouted Eli, Eli God damn it Eli… And there was a tender voice that followed, Zahr e maret Daryush. I smiled and ran out…
She had asked me if I was jealous, and I said no way. I didn’t want her to see me weak. I found out that she was not on a date but went out with her friends to a movie and Pizza. I am still not sure what had happen to me and I am not even sure if Eli knows it.
She entered my apartment four days ago and went straight to the mini bar area. She asked if I wanted any, I didn’t but said yes. She was acting cold but smiling warm. I couldn’t read her well. She asked if I had missed her that day, I didn’t answer. I never liked this girl and boy thing that as soon as they get a bit close they begin this I miss you, no I miss you, no I miss you crab. She was looking at me. Let me spill my hearty to you people. Eli is beautiful. She is just an amazing person, powerful, driven, passionate, and whatever nice thing that comes to your own mind. To me, she is beautiful and that’s just it. I hate to talk about her eyes and face, it’s cheesy and it would sound like a novel rather than my diary. At this point all I can think of is that I love my life and I love Eli.
Last entry: Tehran (http://iranian.com/main/blog/daryush/tehran)
