Elderly Care: the age difference later in life

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Elderly Care: the age difference later in life
by Esfand Aashena
31-May-2011
 

In response to Elderly Care: invitation to Write

All of the stories written on this series so far have been good memories and I thought to share a not so pleasant memory. 

I loved my uncle Saeed.  He was a Sarhang (Colonel?) and in Military and before revolution he retired and got into some side businesses and then later became a full fledged retired person traveling when he could.  He had a daughter in London whom he would visit and when she and I were both in Iran and in our teens he married his second wife who was about 16 or 17 years his junior.  His first wife went to London a year or two into the revolution and settled there with their family.

He also had a home in Caspians and in summers I'd stay with him for a week or two every now and then.  His second wife was nice but also tempermental and you'd see flashes of her throwing a tantrum at my uncle and basically trying to be controlling the more years passed and my uncle became older.

In the past decade when I've been going back to Iran for visits I'd meet them in parties or their home when I visited them.  Early on parties were order of the day when I was new and my family and loved ones were up and running but in the past 2 or 3 years no more parties.  No soup for you!  Actually I like this better, never like to go to parties as much and rather visit places or spend private family time with those who are close and we have some some background with.

Anyway, when I'd visit my uncle I'd see his wife telling him what to do and what not to do, what to eat and what not to eat and so on and so forth.  In one of these parties when the host had invited everyone to a chelo-kabobi instead of a party at home my uncle confided in me that god bless you since you're here we're able to go to this chelo-kabobi and I can have a koobideh (ground beef kabob) which I haven't have had for years!  I smiled and said to my uncle; enjoy and bon apetite!

Then every year I'd see my uncle's health deteriorate and one year walking with cane and the next year with a walker and very small steps.  On occasions his wife would come to our home for visits and my uncle wouldn't come because he was too frail to leave the home and his wife would tell us that she has 'tied' his diaper (which by the way is bad when you 'tie' and not use the velcro, but I guess the elderly open the velcro easily but not the tied strapes) for few hours and has to get back to tend to him.

To her credit she did tend to him and took care of him to the end but watching her boss him around and always complain created a confusing outlook.  When she yelled at him in front of us I always thought in private she'd be 10 times as bossy.  On few occasions he'd shout out too and retaliate only to watch her yell back that much louder!  When he passed away she did everything she could to give him the proper burial and funeral ceremonies and to this day she has kept all his photos around the house but I'll always think about how my uncle was treated or may have been treated in his final years.  Taking care of elderly is very hard and not everyone has the patience or willingness to do it the right way.  Some do it however they feel like or "think" is right.

They were married for 25 years and I guess the moral of this story is that if you have a younger wife and thought that she'd take care of you in old age, think again, you never know.  I can't say everyone is like that, some are better and some are worse but you just don't know how people react in these situations.   I wish her well and don't know how her life would be in her old age but more often than not what goes around comes around. 

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more from Esfand Aashena
 
Soosan Khanoom

I will Faramarz

by Soosan Khanoom on

as soon as I stop laughing 

LL..OO..LL

 

 


Faramarz

سوسن خانوم

Faramarz


Since we are in a very difficult job market and high unemployment, there is a lot of competition for this position. Please post your resume here and highlight your qualifications clearly! In order to improve your chances and get an interview, you may want to write a cover letter detailing how your specific skills match this position. Otherwise, you will just receive a system-generated thank you letter.

Please be advised that we will keep your resume on file if other suitable positions are available in the future.


Esfand Aashena

Hajj khanom I agree! Don't forget animal rights issues! LOL!

by Esfand Aashena on

Everything is sacred


hajj khnom

Mammbo, jumbo mind is fun

by hajj khnom on

 We older couples are fine. Now someone has to tell younger people in family to leave parents alone. We know what to eat and what not to eat! We do not care about side effect of sleeping pills or if the plastic cause cancer. We like to fry our eggs in a butter! and so on....................

  


Esfand Aashena

Soosan Khanoom you're preaching to the wrong choir.

by Esfand Aashena on

Everything is sacred


Soosan Khanoom

It is news to me !

by Soosan Khanoom on

I haven't been in the Iranian community for such a long time that everything concerning courtship , love, marriage is news to me ...... 

So according to you:

1) It is a high paid job

2) There is a job security here .... I mean the possibility of getting laid off or getting fired is very low. As the matter of fact, due to the age of the employer it is almost zero. 

I have some questions for you or any other like minded Iranian men on this site(cause IC happens to be a good place to interact with these creatures )

Question #1 

How many hours of paid leave comes with this job?  particularly paid vacation time and paid holidays ?

Since sex as you mentioned is not on the old man's to do list then paid leave vacation hours is very important for the employee's productivity.

The employe (the woman) may still have Love and Sex in her to do list ... a summer in spain with a lover would do it as long as it is paid by the employer.

Paid sick days are also important.  See, once a year may not be enough, besides she may just want to spend some time doing outdoor activities such as skiing or scuba diving with her significant other and occasional over night stay in some romantic places... may be the weekend gateways ...  but if she gets the weekends off then it is fine ... probably no need to call sick anyway .....

 Question #2

you mentioned and I am actually still laughing "They also know that the husband will kick the bucket sooner and they'll have years left to live the remainder of their lives however they want."

What if he did not kick the bucket soon enough?  See some times those greedy old guys can also cheat death .... now what is she supposed to do?

can she just cut the life support and send him to heaven ?

or can she just hire a maid to do the chores that you mentioned like cooking and house cleaning so she can spend more time with her lover and of course with the old guy's money

and, oh, one more thing .... she does not mind that the old fart have sex  with the maid ...  she does not even care .... and that is if he can do it !!

and oh, oh, one more thing ....... women become more sexual and desirable and beautiful  as they age ... they are like fine wine or persian rug ..... now the poor old guy can not even get back to his high school sweet heart to dump her all the mentioned household and caregiving chores either;she is probably got married to Ashton Kutcher by now ....  

sorry with all due respect to older dying men ..... that happens when anyone leaves " love "  out of the equation .. 

 

 

 

 


Faramarz

حاج خانوم

Faramarz


This blog and my comments in particular are not about people in your age group. It deals with much older people, their challenges and their relationships. My mambo jumbo theories come from my jumbo mambo mind!


Esfand Aashena

Thank you for your comments and now some responses

by Esfand Aashena on

Jasonrobardes I don't know why you think boasting on the number of girl friends or prior encounters you had with various women of different descent makes you an expert.  First of all, you're not the only man, Iranian man, who has had multiple partners.  Many had more experiences than you and in the end chose an Iranian woman and lived happily ever after!

Second, I take your ex-wife (non Iranian) to have nagged you to divorce and you were the one choosing her.  Now if there is another reason for her being an ex, please accept my apologies in advance.

Third and most important, if you haven't been able to find a good Iranian wife or girlfriend you're not alone and that shouldn't be the reason to dish Iranian women.  They can be choosy and if you're lucky enough you end up with a good one and if you live outside Iran then your choices are that much more limited which is the main reason Iranian men end up with non-Iranian women.  Technically Iranians (men or women) are more of the nagging breed and here you are "nagging" about Iranian women!  Aren't you?

Hajj khnom wish you a happy retirement and looks like you're off to a good start!

Soosan Khanoom you've never heard of Iranian men marrying younger women to care for them in their older years?  This is news to you?  Well it isn't.  Many men (not all) who marry younger women have that mind set.  It's not like they've never been with a women their own age, many are divorced and daily sex is not on top of their list anymore.  They care more about food and household chores.  Sounds bad doesn't it, but it's true.

As for women who marry older men, many (not all) women marry older men for money and financial security and other security that comes with it, such as perhaps not wanting to work.  They also know that the husband will kick the bucket sooner and they'll have years left to live the remainder of their lives however they want.  Some (not all) will also not be as caring as they should and turn the eye and ignore while the spouse is going through his final years.

This isn't a pleasant subject but many have these stupid mindsets. 

Everything is sacred


Soosan Khanoom

Esfand

by Soosan Khanoom on

You mentioned:

the moral of this story is that if you have a younger wife and thought that she'd take care of you in old age, think again, you never know. "

so you think men marry younger women to have some one to take care of them at old ages .... that is the most ridicules  statement I have read .. it actually is so funny .... things that can only be circulating in Iranian men bloody mind !!

Now why women marry older men ? hmmm let me think to take care of these old guys when they are old ...... but wait a minute, aren't these men already old ?!!  The pay must be really good for such a full time boring job ...

And love ?  What's love got to do with this? There is no such a thing in Iranians dictionary when it comes to marriage ... it is all business as usual  ...

 


hajj khnom

Mr Faramarz

by hajj khnom on

Where did you get your mambo jumbo theory form?

Your theory sounds right when comes to a housewife and working man but not when both couples are working and share house chores and get retired almost at same time. My Hajj Agha is a retired man and I am closed to be retired soon. When he stopped working, I cut my hours to be home more often and I can not wait to be fully retired to spend more time with him. I have never been the buss of the kitchen and he always took part in every chore around the house, including raising our kids. It all depends to type of relationship of wife and husband, closeness’ of age and how much a couple willing to comprise. Couple just have to be patient when comes to weakness.

 


Anahid Hojjati

Jason, I agree that Iranian women nag but I don't know if

by Anahid Hojjati on

others don't. I usually meet women from other countries at work which is a totally different environment. I think one reason Iranian women criticize much is because every one is so concerned about how they measure up to others. So and so's husband did that or the kid made gold out of clay or whatever. Any way, you cannot say that when people nag, their points are wrong. people have nagged to me and I criticize my loved ones too and in both cases, I see that sme times, there is a reason to nag. Foundation is there.  However, those who nag, are also lazy because if they were more creative and active, they did not have to nag.


jasonrobardas

"And the earth turns " Said Gallileo

by jasonrobardas on

    As I said in my previous posting , Nagging is a cultural trait in Iranian women . It is their very second nature . It is rooted in years of suppression in our male dominated society .

    Through out my life , I have dated women from various parts of the world . I have had brazilian, Thai, Japanese, Dominican and latino girl friends  . My ex- wife was a french Canadian and my present one is a filipina .

    Age can be a factor here but for most Iranian women , it does not matter how old the man is . They will provide him with a constant supply of nagging on a daily basis .  

  


Esfand Aashena

Nagging is universal and unisex!

by Esfand Aashena on

It doesn't matter if you're Iranian or not, nagging is universal.  Maybe some have it less and some more but you can't find a nag-free spouse! 

You are not raised in the same family and households so either you or spouse are bound to find differences = nagging!

You may skip few decades and be busy with work and other stuff but as you get older you start nagging more often, I mean you yourself not your spouse, so at that time you just hope that you have a spouse who won't make you more miserable than you already are!

You have to have played your cards right "by then" and then you're fine.  I guess you know what you're going to end up with and are prepared for it more or less.  In my family the vast majority of spouses in their old ages have been very caring and very loyal to the end and they are all Iranians and most of them only one marriage. 

Everything is sacred


jasonrobardas

Iranian women are naggers!!

by jasonrobardas on

   At the risk of making a generalization , I have to express my feelings about this issue . Iranian women mostly love to nag . Nagging , nagging and more nagging ....that is all they do , particularly the ones of the previous generations . In most cases, it is not even the age difference , Nagging is just part of the package !

   Years of societal pressure on our women , have turned them into individuals who feel trivialized. The only way for them to be in control is through  constant nagging and criticism of their mate .

   This is what I have observed all through my life with family members and friends . I was smart enough to marry someone  from another continent far away .


Esfand Aashena

Faramarz jaan we're talking post-retirement way past-retirement!

by Esfand Aashena on

My uncle and his second wife travelled together and from the outside you'd think they're in peace.  I understand the dilema of men retiring to home and spending day and night with the wife.  Japenese seem to have a lot of problem in this regard and I recall few years ago there was a report out about elderly domestic abuse or something that basically they can't get along!

Anyway, once you're in your final years and months you can hardly speak or walk.  So you're in no position to make any demands or argue or fight.  The major problem becomes going to the bathroom and cleaning and taking baths.  At that time your spouse is either understanding which is good and in peace, or trying to foolishly discipline you into not going to bathroom as much or making you embarrased about.  It seems mean.  Poor fellow has no control of anything anymore and you're getting mad at him.  And then gloat about all the loving care you're providing.  Doesn't seem fair to those who actually DO provide a loving care. 

Everything is sacred


Faramarz

Age Difference is Only Part of the Problem!

by Faramarz on

Esfand Jaan,

I see the same problems in elderly couples that are close in age. Here is what I think the root of the problem is.

In our parents’ generation men generally worked and women managed the home and other things and as a result men really didn’t have much to say about the food, the sofa or other daily matters. The first sign of the coming problems is when the kids leave the house and the men retire and spend too much time around the house. That forces the couple to face each other for long periods of time and that’s when the hostilities begin! As I have said before, men and women are two completely different creatures and are not meant to spend too much time together. Just think about it. When was the last time that you went to a party and men and women were mingling with each other? It only happens when one is hunting and the other is being hunted!

During the early retirement days and as long as men are mobile, they find an excuse (like going to Costco, or clean the yard or garage) and stay out of their wives’ way. That lasts for only so long and as they get older and want to sit around the house and watch the Iranian programs on satellite TV or talk politics with their buddies, that’s when the real hostilities come out. And since women are generally in control of the food, the frig and the kitchen, they make sure that the poor old men really pay a high emotional price every day.

For example, since most women are not as much into Koobideh as men are, one sikh of Koobideh becomes the source of all evil in the universe!

So here is my advice to the nearly-retired men. Don’t be lazy and assume all the cooking responsibilities as soon as you can. Your wife will think that you really love her and will be more than happy to relinquish as much of the daily chores as she can. She will still maintain her iron-clad control of the kitchen when there is party (can’t touch that!) Over time she gets used to seeing you hop around the kitchen and maybe she will go to the garage and fix the car!


Esfand Aashena

Well there are those who are patient.

by Esfand Aashena on

I also know of couples who are alone and not much family around but they live a peaceful life and not so much bossing and being sour.  Some also have a big age gap.  I guess it has to do with the person.   

Everything is sacred


yolanda

.........

by yolanda on

Thank you for sharing! I heard similar stories before from couples with big age difference! Well, the guy is old and frail, so he depends on her for everything.......she becomes impatient!

I have to say that her job is not easy......she is  pretty much a home-care nurse!