Esfand Aashena
به زبان فارسی
PICTORY
LATEST MUSIC
SEARCH
Online Dating Tips
07-Feb-2012
I was looking at CNN and they had this article Pitfalls of Online Dating and it reminded me of an article I had written few years ago on Persianmirror.com. While the new online dating scene may be different with Valentine's Day being just around the corner and everybody going all nuts again, I thought to repost my article in honor of this holiest day on the calendar!
Of course if you're looking for a uniquely Iranian gift for your Valentine, I recommend Faramarz's Bowl of Sholeh Zard!
------------
I used to respond to newspaper personal ads back in the early 90s before online dating became popular. I am no longer in the market – did not find my wife online – but can share with you some of the quick tips that I think can help you navigate these internet personal ads and find some success. These rules should apply to all age groups, so don’t say I am too old or too young for this.
First of all, I’d like to talk about Iranian websites such as iraniansingles.com or iranianpersonals.com or similar websites. American websites are plenty but unless you live in North Dakota or Arkansas I suggest you stick with Iranian websites. Although, if you are in South Dakota and stuck with yahoo.com or match.com as soon as you say “Iranian” - in any way shape or form - your prospective date disappears in a New York minute! So no luck either way!
Now here are some rules that should be easy to follow:
1. Do not doll up too much! Guys, do not grease your hair like there is no tomorrow and gals do not throw out your cleavage like you’ve just come out of plastic surgery! Be modest and let your other qualities and outlook speak for you. Try to be sexy and decent, just don’t go overboard. A little less hair grease and a little less cleavage will do just fine!
2. Do not give out your High Definition large picture unless you’ve achieved a level of communication with your date that says s/he can write a sentence or 2 or can talk about his/her feelings regardless of whether or not s/he knows good English.
3. Guys if a girl is looking for a guy who is “financially secure to the bone” do not take her seriously. You can play games with her and say you are a CEO or a VP or something just to get some laughs but if someone is looking to pick your pocket instead of your brain, she is just wasting her time, never mind your time.
4. I will skip the usual give away items, like full figured, adventurous, romantically challenged or hopeless, full of energy and so forth. These really don’t matter and you have bigger fish to fry but they are good to know.
5. Rarely you’ll like the person you meet in a blind date at first sight. There is always something that is not right and even if you like him/her chances are s/he didn’t like you. That is one reason not to over do it with perfumes or colognes, remember rule number 1 above!
6. Always meet your date for a short encounter in a very public place for coffee or something. Some place where you can easily get the hell out if things were not nearly as advertised. In one case my date ended up being a married woman who was looking for a date for her sister!
Meet in a famous hotel lobby, like Sheraton, Hilton, Marriott, Hyatt or other hotels. These hotels usually have nice lobbies with comfortable chairs where you can have coffee, a glass of wine or beer or something. You can also meet at Starbucks or another coffee shop or a sandwich shop in a mall.
The point is that it is better to start with a simple place and move to dinner at another time or later that evening if things work out and you both want to continue it. If you don’t want to stay and torture yourself it’ll be hard to leave in the middle of a 3 course dinner.
Also, try to meet your date early, as soon as you exchange few emails, maybe on the first or 2nd weekend. If you wait too long you’ll be wasting your time.
Once you meet few people online and meet some of them in person you’ll know what to ask and what to look for. You can exchange a simple picture and meet in person to get a better idea and go from there. I think online dating is really good and if you do it right you can find many people and even have a long term relationship and possibly even marriage.
Meeting the right person online is hard just like any other relationship and the way you start it shouldn’t be any different from the way you go about carrying yourself. Once you find the right person, the same old traditional rules apply and you are on your own. If you find yourself talking on the (cell) phone for hours and hours or texting thousands of times, something is wrong with that picture. Either you are off or your date is off! While it is normal to be excited and talk for hours in the beginning, it is not normal to do it consistently. You should meet in person and do things together instead of doing it over the phone!
If your date is telling you that s/he has to do some stuff with his/her family and doesn’t have time, it is normal. Don’t take it the wrong way unless s/he does it over and over again. You should have plans of your own and shouldn’t substitute email or phone with seeing each other in person.
So try your luck and do not get discouraged if your date doesn’t like you. Move on to the next date. One thing I never did was speed dating and I wish I had an opportunity to do it. If you have the chance to do it, I’d highly recommend it.
Last rule of online dating is not to be discouraged if you get rejected. You may like your date and send an email and ask for a 2nd date with dinner and the works, but you may get rejected. These days people dump each other via a text message! Don’t worry about it, just move on to the next person (and the next person) until you eventually find someone.
If you are persistent enough it will be a matter of when not if. Matters of heart take time and you shouldn’t be discouraged if you find yourself doing this for a few years. There is always someone new to these websites and soon they’ll become “experts”, like you!
| Recently by Esfand Aashena | Comments | Date |
|---|---|---|
| Goodbye the old iranian.com, I'm gonna miss ya ;-( | - | Dec 05, 2012 |
| Persian parties are like Persian history! | 34 | Dec 03, 2012 |
| In memoriam of i.com freedom fighters! | - | Nov 09, 2012 |
RECENT COMMENTS
IRANIANS OF THE DAY
| Person | About | Day |
|---|---|---|
| نسرین ستوده: زندانی روز | Dec 04 | |
| Saeed Malekpour: Prisoner of the day | Lawyer says death sentence suspended | Dec 03 |
| Majid Tavakoli: Prisoner of the day | Iterview with mother | Dec 02 |
| احسان نراقی: جامعه شناس و نویسنده ۱۳۰۵-۱۳۹۱ | Dec 02 | |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Prisoner of the day | 46 days on hunger strike | Dec 01 |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Graffiti | In Barcelona | Nov 30 |
| گوهر عشقی: مادر ستار بهشتی | Nov 30 | |
| Abdollah Momeni: Prisoner of the day | Activist denied leave and family visits for 1.5 years | Nov 30 |
| محمد کلالی: یکی از حمله کنندگان به سفارت ایران در برلین | Nov 29 | |
| Habibollah Golparipour: Prisoner of the day | Kurdish Activist on Death Row | Nov 28 |
Esfand Jaan
by Faramarz on Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:45 AM PSTI have had my share of rejections, mainly with blond sorority girls.
During the "Marg bar Amrika" era my Italian buddies hooked up with a couple of nice looking girls from the Kappa House. These girls had just done the Semester at Sea and had fallen in love with Italy, the culture and the men. So they fell for my buddies with not much effort.
I met one of their friends at a party and initially she gave me the right vibes, but as soon as she found out that I was from Iran, her tone completely changed. But she still wanted to hang out with us so she introduced me to one of her friends, "Leslie Topol!"
So I danced with Leslie Topol a few times and tried to be nice, but I could see that my buddies were looking at me and laughing and I knew that I could not hear the end of this one. So I came up with an excuse and left the party early. But they still gave me a hard time and teased me for quite a while.
.
by Anahid Hojjati on Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:21 AM PSTduplicate
Esfand jaan,
by Anahid Hojjati on Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:19 AM PSTMany Iranian men have also married non Iranian women. In my family, several have US born wives and nowadays, I see more Iranian men with Asian wives. I think it is easier for non Iranian women to accept another culture than it is for non Iranian men. But then again, any case is different.
فرامرز جان اومد نیومد داره!
Esfand AashenaWed Feb 08, 2012 04:36 AM PST
Anahid jaan even though it's a chore but at some point it becomes good and you can roll with it.
I dunno about adoption, though it's good, but perhaps your friend can diversify and look beyond Iranian men. Iranian women have a better chance of scoring a non-Iranian partner, be it American, Hispanic or European, because they are "exotic"! But Iranian men, you know, are Muslim and fanatic!
Faramarz jaan as the Rolling Stones song goes, you can't always get what you want!
Of all your dates and escapades that you've written about they've all been about you being the dumper but none about you being the dumpee! Now I'm sure there must have been at least one such case! So please tell us the story of the one who dumped you! It should be funny!
Everything is sacred
Thanks Esfand Jaan
by Anahid Hojjati on Tue Feb 07, 2012 01:47 PM PSTThanks Esfand Jaan for the blog, and thanks guys for the comments, informative and funny.
A friend of mine who has been active on online dating, told me recently that she is not waiting for the right man to start a family. She is planning to adopt. She also does not seem to have very favorable view of online dating. As Esfand noted, dating like this seems like a chore. I think it is like a job interview or actually much worse. Since with a job interview, almost all places treat you nicely and you might get a job that pays good amount of money. As result of online dating and then meeting the guy, you either get rejected or if it ends in more dates, down the road, it might turn out that the guy is not a nice guy at all. With all the drama that people seem to go through in relationships these days, it seems that many of them are waste of time and energy.
Esfand Jaan
by Faramarz on Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:55 PM PSTYou have a thing for blond highlights and I am sure that you show it when you meet women.
That is fatal!
Never show your hand until you have seen their hand. And never insist beyond the first request.
You may not see her again in your life but your honor and dignity will be there every day to give you a hard time!
But you already know all of this.
شانس آوردی کنسرت قرار نگذاشتید!
Esfand AashenaTue Feb 07, 2012 12:49 PM PST
I recall one case where after a few emails this woman agreed to meet. As it turned out we decided to meet on the same afternoon when Ebi or Moein (forgot which one) had a concert in town later that night.
I guess we both thought that if things went well we could take it to the concert and go from there.
We met in a coffee shop or something in a mall where we got coffee and some pastry. She was very aalaa mode with blonde highlights and massive hair! She was all dolled up and I thought she looked pretty so I did my best to impress her. Afterall 50% of the equation, which was me, was resolved and I had approved! I don't think I looked GQ that day and was looking very generic!
So after a while we talked about the concert and I wanted to know if she was going. She said she needs a ride from her friend. I said I'll give you a ride but she said thanks but she was planning this with her friend and if she doesn't go she won't go either.
So long story short she received several calls during our date and then she said she has to go now and then I "offered" to walk her to her ride which I did and then she quickly got in the car and feleng-o bast!
Everything is sacred
ب
Jeesh DaramTue Feb 07, 2012 12:30 PM PST
با شما موافقم، یعنی در واقع صد مایل رفتنش خوب بود، ولی برگشتنش خیلی اذیت کرد. البته در بین راه بازگشت در وودلندهیلز مارکت توقف کردم و یک مقداری پنیر و نان بربری و سبزیجات خریدم و روحیه ما را قدری بهتر کرد و در بقیه راه نان بربری گاز زدیم و بروزگار غربت اندیشیدیم
Long distance relationships are a no no! No siri bob!
by Esfand Aashena on Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:08 PM PSTJD jaan I should've mentioned in these tips that do NOT get involved in long distance relationships! Not worthed at all and a big mistake. Although in your case and California a 100 miles is not that long distance.
It is so much easier to get to know someone in Europe or Australia or America while they are hundreds or thousands of miles away because you want to expand your "search" parameters!
I'm actually seeing among my family and acquintances that some are falling for people in other states or even countries, one case in Latin America, and the guy is even asking them for money and only then their 2 cents falls that it's time for them to get out.
Online dating is good but it can take a while before one can get a hang of it. There are also TONS of scrupulus men and women out there who for one reason or another are in it to take advantage of people's good will and naivity.
If you could get past the first (blind) date she could've groomed her mustache! First impression is key!
Everything is sacred
ک
by Jeesh Daram on Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:56 AM PSTکاملا صحیح نوشتید. در عنفوان جوانی یکبار بیش از صد مایل رانندگی کردم تا رسیدم به رستوران دریا در ایرواین کالیفرنیا تا یک دختر خانم را ملاقت کنم. حالا بماند که موزیک ناموزون چقدر گوشخراش بود و گارسون مکزیکی که با لغت سماق هنوز آشنا نبود و بطور کلی خستگی راه، ولی چیزی که خیلی مرا تحت تاثیر قرارداد سبیل دختر خانم بود. هرگز سبیل او را فراموش نخواهم کرد و بطور کلی روز خوبی بود
Dating is not fun!
by Esfand Aashena on Tue Feb 07, 2012 08:43 AM PSTMaryam jaan Iranians are experts in eveything!
Faramarz jaan dating is fun when you're young and dumb! It's fun when you and your date can laugh about a crack in a wall!
However, as you grow older and get a relationship or two under your belt, dating becomes a chore! You have to decide what to wear, what to say, how to act, what turns you on, what turns you off, how long is this going to take ....
Of course if can get into your date's pants on the same night it can be fun but then again that may not be a good thing! So it's a dilema!
Dating can be fun once you find someone you like and once you find that someone then yes it is a serious thing and not everything serious is boring. Besides finding someone you can just hang around with, without any commitment is not that hard, there are other kinds of tips and articles about that! The main theme though is that in an uncommittted relationship both couple are like lost and don't know what they should do with their lives. Low self-esteem. Looking for someone else they can have a serious relationship with!
A good double date movie is Booty Call (1997) where this guy asked his girlfriend whom he had not have sex with yet to bring along a friend to meet his friend so she can relax and be more comfortable going to bed with him. The shenanigans by Jamie Foxx and the other 3 are hilarious!
Everything is sacred
Esfand Jaan
by Faramarz on Tue Feb 07, 2012 08:15 AM PSTThanks for your advice. You covered a lot of ground here. But the theme of your blog is relatively serious as if one is trying to buy a house or a car!
Dating should be fun and if it leads to something that would be extra.
How about making the first date a double-date? You tell the prospect, "why don't you bring a friend and I'll bring a friend too?" Well, as long as we end up with 2 men and 2 women, and not 3 and 1!
I think double-dating takes the edge off the first date and it doubles the chances of somebody ending up liking somebody. Also, there is always safety in numbers!
Esfand Ashena, Great advices
by Maryam Hojjat on Tue Feb 07, 2012 07:59 AM PSTI agree with all your recommendations. You must be expert like me.